The Haunting Time Is Coming Near!

The Ghoullog - Mountaintop Haunt at Cranmore, North Conway, NH

Day 4 - Before the Movement Hurts

In my nest of blankets I could have sworn I folded up and left at the bottom of my bed, I wake up in a mess of quilt, sheets and down throw. I'm half in, half out of them all. I left my camera in reach, next to my bed- so I reached.

I didn't sleep well. The Lidocane patch on my back has scrunched up, and it needs to be fixed. This will stay on until 2:30 today- since that's what time I finally had Mom put it on this morning. A 12 hour run, it helps with the pain- but not completely. Anything that alleviates this awful stabbing, sharp, dull and achy spasm is being tried.

I'm guessing perhaps Mom or Dad came in and threw the covers on me- it did get quite chilly last night. But I always sleep with my windows open in the summertime. I'm typically good with a sheet. I have no idea how I ended up in the midst of a blanket nest.

Turning over, easing my hips to the edge of the bed so I could swing my feet over... Hurt. A lot. This is the only time of day that I'm lucid. I can't even say that I'm coherent, the pain is overwhelming. Then come the medications... Which make me numb.

This is no way to live life.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
This too shall pass.

I will run.
I will play.
I will swim, hike, climb.
I will canoe.
I will ski.
I will buy a motorcycle.
And a 4 wheeler.
I'll ride them like I did before.
I will have fun.
I'll go sailing.
I'll try kayaking.
I'll wear my high heels.
I'll go dancing.
This won't last forever.

Day 4 - Waking Up, originally uploaded by The Snarky Princess.

Two pictures today.

An early post.

This was especially hard, since I woke up in a considerable amount of pain. It's raining, the barometric pressure is crazy, and my medications have worn off.

The first few moments of opening my eyes, and having the new day register all hits me like a truck.... I focus my eyes, the light is too bright and causes an instant headache.

Simply bringing my arm up shifts me a little bit, and it's sheer pain radiating which I feel. From lower-back right down my leg. Thank you for being around, rain. You've made my day hard already.

The sound of the rain, relaxes me. It's strange how something that hurts me also has such a calming effect.

What do you see here?


Since taking the pictures, and making the post.... The medications have kicked in. I feel... Sludgy.

Like, I'm moving in slow motion. I'm underwater, murky water, can't focus on anything under there... But feeling the mud below my feet. Feeling the dirt circling me, the particles. Each particle. Hypersensitive. Underwater- is this what it's like?

I scratch my skin, and it hurts. I'm not pressing very hard at all. Surprised my fingers are taking over and typing the words for me, because they sure aren't making sense in my head. And I didn't expect my random thoughts to be legible. I thought I'd have spelling errors galore, but that's also what spell check is for. Look, I can still joke a little. Hah. That amuses me. Wow, using big words too. *giggles*

What's the point of getting out of bed, if I come downstairs, take my meds, and want to go right back to sleep? I should be smart and take them up to bed with me. There's an idea... But I forget. I'll forget in 20 minutes I did this. I'll forget I took the pictures, and will take more with every intention to post them... And only then will I realize that I already did. Hah. I do, though, really like the photo I had for yesterday. I love being home. Photoshop- the REAL deal- ROCKS. So much easier to use than GIMP (I'm not cracking a joke, that's the actual program) wow I'm rambling.

I've grabbed a blanket, so now I'm not so cold. Sounds bother me. Especially when you put in a DVD- that whole THX sound check thingy drives me bonkers. I hate that sound. I mute it. Dad loves it. He doesn't. Someone yells, even if it's myself, it's like it resonates in my head and I hear it twice as loud as it's done. AAHHH. It's awful. And I think the range of sound, in addition to it getting louder as it goes, is what gets me. It really, truly makes me plug my ears so I don't have to hear it. My hands are starting to have the tremors again. This irritates me.

I still can't believe he dumped me. After three years of waiting for him. After not seeing anyone, dating nobody for 3 years. He said he loved me. I said it back. When I say it, I mean it. I hate that word- but will use it if felt. And it was. Is. I'm so numb to this, thankfully. Otherwise- I'd be a wreck. Perhaps it's good that I don't have a chance to analyze it in the mornings when I get up. I'm too focused on needing to get downstairs and get my meds, eat some food, and sit to wait for it to kick in. Then I realize I think about things. I loved him so much. I don't think he understands. I think he's lying in saying he doesn't want me. Whatever. That thought for the day is done. At least on here.

I need more water. And a nap I think. Maybe not, the spasm is cramping and making me curl to my right side- elbow into hip. UGH. Maybe I'll work on jewelry. Yes, I need to do that. Need to sell some. I wonder if there are any craft fairs- I can have someone sit in for me or something. I can't think about that right now, it's too much. Too much. Too long I've been like this. Something's gotta give.


shizhappens said...
July 14, 2010 at 12:37 PM

I don't think it's a good idea for you to have your meds upstairs. By leaving them downstairs, it makes it so you have to get out of bed. That's a GOOD thing. Maybe you should put them in your car so you can get some sun, or some fresh air. Even on a rainy day, smelling the freshness and newness in the air... it will help you appreciate what you still have. You're a strong person, Amanda. You are going to zip through this phase of your life, and when it's over, you will look back and realize how much stronger you are for having gone through all of this. *hugs*

Snarky P said...
July 14, 2010 at 1:00 PM

Yeah... You're right. That's why they're in a bag, on the floor next to my chair here. It would just make it easier if they were upstairs- but that's why they're not.

I'm constantly looking for ways to get stronger, be up, but some days it's just so hard... I don't want to. But I do it anyways. I do go for car rides with Dad or Mom when they go out- just to get me the heck out of here. Two of my friends have also grabbed me for a day to just ride around, go hang and sit together and chat. It sucks that I'm not mobile... But I will be soon.

Thank you for your kind words- they're very much appreciated :)

*hugs back*

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