Specialist, and Fire Pit

And hopefully, most can come along Monday when I see the specialist I've been referred to. The appointment was supposed to be in three weeks, but they had a cancellation. So you bet I said yes I'll come in on Monday.

I'm going to try and not sound so down and depressing when I write- but I can't lie to you and tell you it's not easy. It isn't. The medications I've been put on make it hard to concentrate on anything, and as far as motivation- well you can say that's kind of not a word in my recent vocabulary. I'm drowsy, lethargic, and yes... Lazy. But I'm doing what my doctor told me- and that's to stay as quiet as possible. I do have to get up and move so that I don't totally atrophy or anything, which would be bad... But basically, my days are the same in and out. I'm trying not to be so... Sad. It's difficult. I can't even make myself a decent meal because I can't stand on my feet for that long... But microwaveable, that's doable. Ready to eat- even better. Have it served to me? Heaven.... And preferred, ha hahaha.

Aside from the leather recliner that I've been parked in, or my awesome memory foam bed, I've picked out a comfy recliner chair from our backyard for dusk. One of those unfolding doohickeys, I was surprised to actually be comfortable in it. What a wonder. I take a walk out back, one of family lights the fire pit, and I soak my clothes with bug spray and sit back.

It gets me fresh air. It gets me a little mobile, around a bit- other than going to the grocery store to get prescriptions.... Or to try and stay comfortable during a car ride to an appointment. I've had at least a dozen already, and I've been back here for 10 weeks. About once a week I've seen my doctor. Speed bumps kind of hurt. Potholes are worse. I sit and stare at my little fire. The sounds of the night- crickets sometimes, just as dusk... The pesky hum of the skeeters... The wind through the leaves of the trees we have. Pine cones tossed in as kindling, and hearing the snapping of the pitch as the fire burns it. The smell of the burning pine, wood, it smells so good. Then tipping my head back, as dusk fades into darkness and the sky lights up with stars. Like little white fairy lights poked through black velvet. It's nearly a full moon, and it lights up the woods with a silver gleam. It's pretty. It's these little things I never noticed before when sitting around the fire with my family. I know it's the medications that make me notice- and it's that which also makes me forget.

Tonight will be another fire night... So I'll wait until dusk, my sister and I will have dinner... Then go out and sit in front of the fire together. It doesn't matter if we joke, it doesn't matter if anything at all is said... Life is to spend time with those you love. And it doesn't matter if you have lots to talk about, or nothing at all. What matters is that you spend time together.

Still Unanswered Questions

No makeup. Pure, unedited pain. These are now my eyes.

Still marbled, and a touch of violet. But unable to really focus.

They go from blue, to gray to green. Depends on how much pain.

The violet always stays though. Little purple ring around my pupil.

I cry a lot. Without good reason. Or maybe it's for one, I'm not sure.

All I know for sure, I don't recognize me anymore.

I've more new medicines to take. It's incredible... With what I've already been medicated with- I should be doing backflips and theatrics for Barnum & Bailey's Circus. Or Cirque de Solelil. Either one. The fact of the matter is... I should be ok. I should be walking without problems, without a cane, without having to lean on my Dad or my sister or brother. I hate this.

I hate being with myself. I hate not being able to think clearly. I hate not being in control of ME anymore.

I know, in time, I'll be fixed.... But it's taking so long for things to get lined up and in order. Two months already, more than actually, and I'm still waiting. We can't figure out what's wrong. Why can't things just fall in to place as you do them? Does life really have to be so hard? I feel like I'm nearly to the end of the mythical rope... I know I'm really not, but it feels that way. It's just... I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired and medicated. It's the only way I have to control the pain, the spasms... But it's not improving. Rather, it has... Just slightly. All the medications, all the shots should have helped. Should have. I want to why they haven't.

I'm seeing a new doctor hopefully within the next week- and maybe he'll be able to tell me whether or not he can fix me. He's an Osteopath and Neurosurgeon. Don't get me wrong- my own doctor is wonderful. The man has magic hands- and typically he can have me fixed up in no time. I don't know what's different this one. We know what the end result is- torn ligaments, torn muscles, pinched and severely inflamed nerves. But the why is still elusive. Why I'm in so much pain. Why I'm not getting any better. Why all this resting in this blasted recliner day in and day out isn't helping me get better. Why none of this is helping even remotely.

It's like... I don't have any say in my body anymore. It does what it wants, when it wants. I haven't driven my own truck since April 16th. I haven't gone out with any of my friends. I really can't.... Though I'd like to. I want to be able to sit and chat and catch up with some folks. But I can't even stand to listen to the own thoughts that are bumbled, jumbled and an absolute mess inside my own head. Besides, when I DO start to talk, most of the time, I don't realize I mumble.

Literally, I mumble and slur. Thanks medications. I'm trying to hold a coherent thought- and most of the time I lose it. Especially if someone says anything- a sound, a dog bark, computer noise. Boom. Gone. Thoughtless and dying of loneliness. New ideas spring up, and just as quickly they're gone. I'm used to being able to thought process through things- I'm a good problem solver. Right now, I couldn't even find my way out of a paper bag. Even with a drawn map. And flashing lights clearly pointing the way. Roadmapped for me.... I don't have a chance in hell finding my way out.

I hurt. All the time. I do not tell you this to make you feel sorry for me. I tell you this to explain why I haven't been really talking to anyone. I've been so frustrated with myself, I don't want anyone else to see me so... Weak. So helpless. Out of control. Not myself. That's what I'm scared of.... If you don't see me as you're used to- you'll run. And not to anyone specifically... Just in general.

I know typically I'm the joker, I'm the laid back easygoing body. Now... I'm a lump on a log. Most days I don't want to bother with my makeup. I throw on clothes that fit that aren't hard to get into. I've lost nearly 30 lbs because of the medications- they make my appetite next to nothing. I've gone from a size 18 when I came home 8 weeks ago, to a 14 bordering on 12 now. I'm cold almost all the time. It's the weight loss thing, unless I'm moving around (which isn't happening much) or I'm sitting out in the sun. Heh, the medications also advise me not to do that. I think. I saw it on one of the labels somewhere, but I can't find the bottle. Not sure if I'm still taking it. I don't want to dig through my bag to try and read and find it.

I miss working. I miss being on the phones, talking to people. The interactions. I miss all the aspects of what I used to be. What I will be again sometime... I hope. I know I'll get back there again- it's just.... I need it to be soon.

The Waiting Game... Sucks.

And so it's still determined that nothing is abnormally wrong with my bloodwork. This is so entirely frustrating and absolutely baffling. The thyroid issue is under control, and I'll have that checked again in about 5 months. But there's still no explanation as to why I'm still locked up in such a severe spasm in my lower back.

I've more new medicines to take. It's incredible... With what I've already been medicated with- I should be doing backflips and acrobatics for Barnum & Bailey's Circus. Unfortunately- I'm still stuck at the "stay off your feet unless it's absolutely necessary" part. Not quite where I had hoped to be by now....

Tears. Not as in crying, but as in torn. Both the ligament and muscles in my back are torn- and this is most likely from my car accident and falling down the stairs in 2007. My doctor doesn't think I've ever healed properly from it- and this resulting spasm is happening because I wasn't treated the correct way when it first started to flare up. It's already been a month since I've been home, and I'm just barely starting to have it relieve. I'm part of the mistake, considering I have a high tolerance for pain and I wait until I'm past where I should be to see a Dr. So, bad on my part, but I'm religiously seeing him now. I'm getting a little relief- and I'm noticing I'm moving around a little better. But that's not good enough for me... I should be moving around a lot better than this. And it's frustrating.

I have a cane. I have a walker. I didn't think at 29 I'd have either. The good news is that I don't need to use them forever. This injury is fixable. It's just a matter of figuring out what medications will be the magic combination to do the trick. Out of the bagful I've collected, I've now been knocked down to just a few. All of them together was starting to give me bad heartburn, which of course is no fun- and really worrisome since they're so harsh on my tummy. I don't want to end up with ulcers... So a pain medication, a skeletal relaxant, a heartburn reliever, and an anti-inflammatory is what I'm now on. The pain med/relaxant combination isn't what I was hoping to take- but... It's medication that helps. I'll also be losing more weight, since the two together make me have almost no appetite and just the smell of food makes me sick. Since I've been home, I've already dropped 20 lbs. It's sure not because I'm exercising- lol. So more will go- and I hope we can get this tamed so I can get back on my feet and back to work.

This combination of medications is a trial- meaning the anti-inflammatory and heartburn ones are on the table to see if they help. I hope so. Sheesh. Anything that says "May cause dizziness" knocks me the hell out. I'm like a zombie. I just don't eat brains. Or humans. Or really anything at all. And I'm totally and completely rambling again. Another MRI may be in store for the other condition mentioned, but it's a remote chance I have said problem. I don't even consider it something I'd even have- as other symptoms haven't presented. So therefore, I believe I don't have it. It's a case of inflammation cutting off nerve responses- and me falling down because of it. These new meds should help.

On a weird note- celebrating Memorial Day yesterday we had gone to parades in various towns around up here. Me- I pretty much just sat in the car and watched the Legion and Band Members march past, and listen to the services being given. The weird part was that apparently there are really bad wildfires up in Canada that are raging- and the winds shifted just enough that it blew the smoke down here. Yeah- I'm totally not even kidding at all. My lungs aren't too happy with me- with the asthma and all, but it was weird being outside and smelling campfire everywhere we drove. I mean, I can sit in front of a campfire- no problem. But this was like a haze that blanketed everything- we couldn't see nearby mountains or some cliffs- never mind Mt. Washington from the Vista! That's how bad it was! But yeah... My lungs aren't too happy- so in addition to Dory, you can call me Wheezy too.

Oh, and I got more succulents. I'm going to plant them in a bonsai pot that I have, so I'll have a pretty little succulent garden to look at. Since I can't garden outside like I want to, the best I can do is sit at the table inside and do it. Hah. We'll see... I've been procrastinating planting them all week.