Total Restriction and it's Driving Me Nuts

So I saw my doctor yesterday.

There isn't much to report unfortunately. This is so frustrating.

All these medications, all this time staying so quiet, trying to heal my body from whatever is wrong with it this time... And progress going so slow it's almost as if I'm going in reverse. At least I'm not being told it's all in my head, I'm making it up, or give up because there isn't anything to do. I have a walker and a cane now I'm supposed to use. It's so embarrassing. And that's only if I have to go out- since as of yesterday my doctor has put me on complete restriction. I can go up and down the stairs twice a day- once to come down in the morning, once to go to bed at night. The only time I can get up and walk around is if I need to stretch, or if I need to go the bathroom. Otherwise- I'm stuck in this blasted recliner. I can't believe I have a walker. 29 years old, I'm not supposed to be in this kind of condition. I should be out, running around, going places and doing things. Instead, I'm in a comfortable and manageable pain level at the moment and limited as to what I can do.

We also did yet another blood test yesterday. Doc tried to move me in such a way to release some of the spasm when I saw him, and instead of relieving the pain, it shot me right back up to a 10 and I nearly screamed. I cried. It hurt so badly I couldn't even talk- and I swear- my doctor almost started crying as well. He felt awful, because what he was trying to do was supposed to help me, to release the spasm that I'm still completely locked in. He's not sure why I'm still so bound up- especially with the course of medications he's had me on for the past 5 weeks which should have knocked this out nearly completely. There's something underlying, and there's a condition that's been mentioned which I won't discuss at this time. I'm hoping the blood test that they're doing will end up confirming I don't have what he mentioned. I don't have any of the other symptoms that typically present themselves- but the falling down is a concern. The tests being run will hopefully identify something we haven't seen so far. I just hope it's something we can identify quickly, and get addressed and under control.

I thought things would be different.
I just want to cry nearly all the time. Things are so overwhelming, and yet so boring- but compiled it's just.... A lot to deal with. I didn't think I'd be walking this path alone- but unless I'm reading an avoidance completely wrong- it's exactly how I'm going to have to deal with all of this.
I'm just... Feeling so lost right now. In a puddle of quicksand, that I'm sinking into even though I'm trying to stay afloat. I have my parents and sister as my wonderful support group here at home, but there's someone else I thought would be around too. I know the light is at the end of the tunnel, but it seems like I can't get there... Well, I said that wrong. I will get there, it's just taking forever to get to it. I just hope that light doesn't fade, or move further away. I miss his voice. I miss his laugh. I haven't been able to talk to him- and it's killing me inside. When we're together- I feel like everything falls right in to place- naturally. When he's not here, I feel like I'm missing part of me. I'm so sick and tired of having to hold everything together, in, and get things done that all I want to do is break down and cry for a while.

I think I'll go to bed now, cry myself to sleep again tonight.

Nearly a month

Since I've been home.
I've got few answers- but it's better than what the doctors down in VA told me to do- aka "give up" and "it's all in your head".

Needless to say, my real Doctor up here couldn't believe the spasm I'm wracked with, the amount of pain I've been able to withstand, and how I managed to get along day by day for nearly two months just by taking excedrin. I told him sheer will. Stubbornness. Knowing that I can and will be fixed- somehow. I'm not a quitter, I'm a fighter. And I'll fight this till the end.

The update so far is this:

I'm still falling. Had a pretty bad one yesterday, landed on concrete, but got home and took care of it. I'm still not getting along really well- but it will come with time. My doctor basically has me on totally restricted movement- bed, recliner, and getting up and moving around to get the muscles moving- but nothing strenuous. No picking anything up. Limited bending. That sort of thing.

Last week I had two nerve blocks done- which hurt like hell. The pinch of the needle, and when it hit the nerve hurt like you wouldn't believe- but when the medicine went in.... On a scale of 1-10, and me being a near constant 9/10.... Brought me right down to a 7. Few minutes later, 6. Few minutes later 5. I've been hovering the past week between a manageable 3-4. That I can deal with. The medications he has me on makes me loopy- but thank goodness for lidocane patches. Those help pain like you wouldn't believe. It's just nice to have the excruciating pain from my lower back and hip radiating down into my bum just sort of dull now. The only part still aggravating is the fact that I am still falling. That, and the pins and needles and sometimes numbness I get in my right leg.

I'm sick of this recliner.
Used to love it- but it's where I park my ass now when I'm not in bed, or at the kitchen table eating. This injury will heal- it's just going to take time- and me not being impatient. I'll even be back to normal if I don't push things too hard, too quickly. I think Dad would be angry if I burned this stupid goddamn thing. lol

I know I've been hermity.
I've been a flat out bitch.
I haven't meant to be... It's just... I really don't have good excuse.
I'm in a lot of pain. I'm medicated. Instead of wanting to see people, I don't want to. I know I shouldn't be avoiding- but I can't help it. It's just... All I do is sit around. It's sad. I miss my friends. But I just am antisocial lately. I apologize.

I work when I can (and stupid me, I effed that up and have to get it fixed tomorrow), otherwise I'm just like Dory. I've got goldfish syndrome. I forget everything. Seriously. If I don't write things down that I have to do, I totally forget what it is that needs to get done. It sucks. BIG TIME. I can even be mid-thought, or sentence with you, hear a sound and bam.... I totally lose the entire track of what I was on. You wanna talk about a train wreck- well, there it is folks! I spent most of today thinking it was Monday if that gives you any clue.

I'm trying to figure out other things too, with just life in general, and I don't know what road I'm supposed to take now. It's not so clear- when just weeks ago it had seemed so simple. I just want to sit on the dock, my feet dangling, him sitting behind me with his legs around me and in the water, arms hugging me, my head leaned back on his shoulder, and listen to the sounds of the lake and the woods.

I can't even do that, because I have no way to get there. It's too far away, and I can't drive yet.

Feeling....

Left in place.
Outside looking in.

Sitting on my ass is really starting to get to me. It's starting to get me antsy- and I want to be up and moving around when I can't.
There are things that have happened recently that have me a little down and under the weather. It's stupid really, mostly. There were goals I had hoped to have achieved by now- but in what, I'm not quite sure. And that totally doesn't make sense. Maybe someday it will.

I'm a bridesmaid this year. I'm a guest at another friend's surprise wedding.
I'm sure my middle sister will be engaged soon. My youngest sister is graduating high school in a few weeks. I remember being her age... Being excited. My brother's out in Vegas- doing really well.

Me?
I'm stuck at a sitstill.
I say it that way- because I can't move. Well, limited... And yes, since coming back to see my doctor- I've been able to get some relief from the pain I've been in and we're thisclose to a diagnosis and a fix. Which I'm excited about.

So why am I down.
It's because... I can't be up and going. It's difficult to stay positive. It's hard to put a smile on my face when all I want to do is close my eyes, and disappear until I feel better. A little green jealousy bug has bitten me- and I know it's totally unfair and not anyone's fault but my own for feeling this way... But it's part of the reason I've been so hermity.
Spillage of the guts time, which I'm not good at and I expect people to not like to want to read or even understand any of this. Added to that, I'm medicated so what I say probably won't make much sense anyways.

When asked as a kid what I wanted to be- I first said a ballerina.
Why? I'd get to wear pretty tutu's, ballet slippers and dance around.
Asked years later- and I could only think of one thing I really, really wanted.
To be a good mother.

I mean, lets face it. I tried college. I didn't cut it. I partied too hard, got too into the social aspect of it and well- just didn't do well. There were certain classes that entertained and challenged me, which I did well with... But did I ever honestly tell anyone that I didn't actually see myself ever getting a degree?
No.
But I just did. Sure- I could have done the English thing- since it came so easy to me. But that's a lot of reading (not making excuses, it's just my work was too detailed according to my professors and they didn't like it- what a surprise). The assignments I'd turn in wouldn't be the required length of bullshit filler they needed it to be in order to be considered a "project". Why? I pull out the facts. I write down the important stuff. I don't add fluff, pomp, and blow smoke up your ass just to make a paper 10 pages instead of the 6 I have all the information already detailed and listed in. I don't know how to write fluff. Not when it comes to factual basis articles. Creative writing- yeah right. Blogging is about the extent of that creativity.

Could I have transferred to Art? Sure! But seriously... There's a reason people are called starving artists and I didn't want to be yet another paint smeared, frustrated student working on projects all hours of the night and finally getting frustrated with how my project wasn't cooperating and most likely saying fuck it... And tossing a paint can on it and ruining the entire thing. No patience in that arena. None.
Jewelry school? I've been toying with the idea.
I've been getting better with the materials I'm using, creating, and sometimes selling. My problem is getting people to buy. I'm not coming down on my prices- because it's my time and effort that goes into these pieces I create and I'll be damned if I let them go for cheap. I charge what my items are worth- not a penny more. And not exorbitant. But I'll tell you... This economy sucks. The way I make sales? Markdowns. Promos. I lose money- but gain repeat customers. That's what's important- and that's what I keep telling myself. I need a better marketing scheme. And honestly- I don't think I can make a living just selling my jewelry unless I get a fucking miracle that falls out of the sky. Riiight. Let me wait on that one for a while... Not.

What's my downfall?
Being supportive of all those around me. Which sometimes I let lapse- since I try to take care of everyone other than myself. Why? It's easier to fix problems that belong elsewhere than try to face my own demons. They're personal- they know the ins and outs and what I don't want to face- and that's the difficult part that I've been learning to take head on and defeat on my own.

I totally didn't see myself right here, this moment, right now- with what I have. But I have determination that I'm not staying down for long- no way, this isn't forever. It's not going to stay this way forever. Things very soon will look up- even if I have to drag myself up to do it.
My sadness comes from deeper within. I'm lonely. I thought I'd be married by now- but that's my own damn fault. I run. I shouldn't have- years ago, I never should have. And I promised him this time I won't. The only way I'm leaving is if he tells me to go. It's just... It doesn't quite feel real yet- even being back yet, seeing him... It's almost like he thinks I'm going to up and disappear in to thin air. I'm not.

My definition of success in all this, in life, is to be a good mother. I want the babies to raise, I want the man I love to walk that road with me, I want to do it as a partnership as it should be done... I know it's not going to be easy- but it's something I've wanted for years. Kind of hard to do that when I've got running shoes on and already picked a direction of exit which has the least amount of resistance and obstacles- which I'm done with. The shoes are off, retired, threw them in the garbage and now I'm not going anywhere. I want him to tell me I'm his. I want him to tell his friends, family, that I'm his again. Past feelings aside- it's our business what we do. And that's all I'm saying on the personal subjects.

Call me crazy, but I want to be out in the dirt digging and planting flowers. I don't want to be in an apartment forever. I want to be pruning hedges or bushes or whatever, and watering the grass in a yard I can walk around in. Chasing squirrels out of my yard. Growing strawberries, mint, basil and tomatoes. I want a beautiful garden filled with flowers that will bloom all spring and summer, with a little pond. Maybe some fish too. I want a little firepit I can sit around at night and warm my feet by, curled up next to him and just listening to the sounds of the water, sounds of the night. Going to sleep in his arms every night, and waking each morning that way. Telling him I can't wait to see him later... Him giving me that million dollar smile... And knowing we'll both be counting the minutes till we meet up to do whatever- movie, dinner, hiking, surprise... To just simply love him.

Yes, yes yes. I'm getting that freaking nesting feeling for some stupid reason and I want a place of my own I can clean, organize and call my own. Well, our own. I want to make dinner some nights, and have it made for me others. I want to take random road trips and not have a destination planned- just a tent in the back of the truck and a few sleeping bags and an air mattress (of course, so I don't wreck my back). Go do random crazy things just because we can... And we're kooky. We're always good at being kooky.

The happiness that my friends have... So many of them... I want some of it.
I think I have some of it... Actually, I know I have some of it. But maybe I'm looking too hard, or not enough. Or maybe just not communicating it the right way. Maybe it's just too buried under all this worry and concern. I want little bebes. At this rate, it seems like there are no kids in the future- and it breaks my heart. I just want to cry about it. Every time I turn around, it's someone else I know that's adding another little person to their beautiful little family- and don't get me wrong PLEASE- I'm SO happy for you all! Really I am! It's wonderful news and I'm thrilled for you all!

But a little piece in me hurts, a small one, because it's not me with that news.
It's just me, standing in the corner, with the smile on my face and congratulating you.
Then once that's passed, I go to the hallway and let the tears fall.
This is why I haven't been talking. This is why I haven't been answering calls. This is why I've been generally avoiding everyone- because I didn't want to fall apart at the seams. A lot of it is the medication talking- which makes me blabber- big news there.
But... Fuck it. It's written now.

Still not many answers

As far as diagnosing my back.
Don't get me wrong- my doctor up here is awesome and has helped a lot lately- considering the lack of "help" I received down in VA. It's just frustrating spending day in and day out pretty much between my bed and a recliner- occasionally getting up to take a car ride to an appointment, pick up meds, or just to get out of the house and move around a little bit. It sucks. I hate being limited like this.

This time frame? Three weeks so far of just this staying quiet. The spasm started back in the beginning of March- so in actuality, it's been months.
Three weeks of trying medications, some of which work, others which help a little, and others that should have helped that haven't really done much good. That one baffled my Doctor. The good news is that I will heal- this isn't a permanent injury. But what it will need is time, and careful attention.
As far a what caused this: a traumatic injury.
Right off the bat I named it off- March 24, 2007, car accident. Then later that year, right after Christmas, falling down the stairs at home and bouncing down on the same part of my back. I'd call that trauma, right? Doctor agreed. Since then, spasms from time to time, but always manageable. And they always went away after a while.

Most of you know... I have my lazy days, of course.... But I'm a go-getter. I like having things done. Prepared, worked out, in order, organized, done. Perpetually in motion. Now- I'm literally at a standstill and can't do much of anything. It's enough to drive anyone mad. Like I say though- it could always be worse. The funny thing is- had the doctors I'd had down in VA listened to me, and given me the medication I had asked for to help- this never would have pushed itself to the severity it has right now. I could have been on the pain relievers, muscle relaxants, taken a week easy- and bam... Been better. I guess there's just too many people going in to offices, faking injuries, and abusing the medications when prescribed. Which sucks for me- considering the people that do legitimately need the medications can't get them.

As a quick run-down- because I for the life of me can't remember who I've now told or haven't, and my heads all foggy and befuddled- the quick version of the diagnosis so far.

I have some pretty good sized bone spurs on my vertebrae discs, which means there's calcification build up and they're sharp. This is abnormal- since when an injury happens, your body is supposed to deposit cartilage to to the spot that's injured- not calcium. This is typical when it comes to arthritis, especially in your back. When an injury acts up, or you hurt the area where the degeneration is- inflammation ensues- and unless you catch it early and get on anti-inflammatory meds- it'll progressively get worse. Not crippling- but pain and irritation wise, it'll become quite unbearable quickly. (That was stage one for me). These spurs eventually will need to be removed, and here's the good news- aside from my lower lumbar spine where I'm having all these problems- the rest of my back is in perfect condition! The discs in my upper back are all healthy, the bones are cube shaped normal, and alignment is normal.

Abnormal is the bottom part. So now that we've determined that I'm inflamed, this irritates the different layers of muscle that are in your back. There's more than one- and typically, when someone has a bad spasm- it's one layer at work kind of twisting you about and hurting. Well- because I didn't get the help that was needed when I first started having this problem, the deeper layers of my back muscles also became inflamed, irritated, and they too started to spasm. The problem here? They all go in different directions. Yes, that's right. I have muscles pulling this way and that in such a bad torque that it's literally twisting my vertebrae in opposite directions of where they should go.

This severe spasming that's going on, along with the inflammation of the muscles and material down there is pinching the nerve bundle that sits right along your hip. This is where most of your nerves are located in your lower body- especially the sciatica. Since this injury is presenting itself the way it is, what my Dr. thinks is happening is I'm in such a severe and locked up spasm, severely swollen and inflammed, and unable to really get it to release- this is causing the problem of me falling down. All the swelling is somehow getting to the nerves and when they get pinched, all signals are turned off. It's like blowing the fuse box- everything shuts off- and down I go. I know it's not my fault... And I know I shouldn't be embarrassed when falling down happens... But I am. It's like, time stops and everyone looks at me.

Today it was at the grocery store. Frozen isle section. First time I've ventured out of the house since my Dr. appt on Wednesday. Walking with the cart, leaning on it thank goodness- and step, step, step, fall... If I hadn't been holding on to the cart handle like I had been- I'd have smashed my mouth to hell. My Dad had his back turned for just a minute, and it happened... And this poor guy that watched me fall was befuddled. He was trying to help me up, asking if I was ok... All I could do was say "Yes, I'm ok, thank you." and tried to get up. It took me nearly a minute- I couldn't move. It's so embarrassing. I know it shouldn't be. Then three other people in the isle came over and asked if they could help... And I nearly started crying... I surprised me because I didn't think people cared anymore. Hah. Most of the the time they just walk by you, pretending they didn't see anything so that they wouldn't have to get involved. It was a nice surprise to see that some random strangers still give a shit about people that obviously have something wrong.

As for now... It's staying quiet. Very quiet. Most of my time is spent sleeping because of the meds, working on some jewelry projects when my hands aren't shaking so badly I can't work. I've been trying to focus on work work (since they've been kind enough to let me work from home) but with these new medications, I just can't focus. I mean... I can read... But I can't process, if that makes any sense. I can see what the problem is- I can identify it- but when I go to type it out... I lose it. Poof, gone. It's absolutely awful.

I don't like being scatterbrained. I don't like not being able to focus or concentrate. I don't like being a hermit- which is pretty much what I've been doing too. It's not that I don't want to see my friends... It's just... I want to curl up in my pj's, under my blanket, either in bed or recliner, and watch the back of my eyelids. I simply have no energy. In about 5 minutes I probably won't remember even writing this blog- how sad is that.

I do need to get my butt moving and sell some jewelry.
I was able to find some pretty glass beads, so hopefully more will be on the way. We'll see. I just don't know yet. Anyone wanna donate to "Amanda's Back Fund"? LOL.

The Update as of Recent

I just wanted to let everyone know that I've been holding up ok.

And so is kitteh, as evidenced in her new hangout spot within my houseplants!

Since early March, I've been plagued with a back spasm that just hasn't let up or given me any relief. After seeing my PCP, and her subsequently telling me that she wouldn't give me the combination of medications I know would have cleared this up... I had to resort to making an appointment with a neurosurgeon.

Needless to say, don't trust the fancy name unless you know someone that has seen them before and can provide an excellent reference. It took me nearly three weeks to get in to see this doctor, and after being poked, prodded and made to do move in ways that I had already explained were extremely painful for me. His recommendation for treatment was "Heat/Ice Therapy, Chiropracter, Physical Therapy, Narcotics, Tens (electrical stimulation and ultrasound therapy), Accupuncture, Giving Up, Some Fine Surgery".

Giving up?

GIVING UP?

Seriously? A doctor, a neurosurgeon, told me to give up.

I'm certain some of my readers here have dealt with pain... And some even with chronic pain... Would you for even a moment think of giving up????

I left his office empty handed. No medications, not even prednisone which in my case would have been used as an anti-inflammatory which was badly needed. I made sure to insist I had an order for an x-ray, and MRI. Symptoms thus far had been the back spasm, on my spinal column, radiating out toward just above my right hip. From here, the pain radiated upwards a little bit, but the majority was the shooting pain, numbness, and pins and needles that would go right through down my hip, bum and all the way down my leg and out my toes. Random times I'd fall. Just be standing, then boom- on the ground. Go to stand up from a sitting position, boom, right back down on the floor. Kneel down, attempt to bend, it could be anything. Boom... Falling on my knees, bum, side.... It didn't matter.

I had the X-ray done. Then the MRI. Refused to go back to the "neurosurgeon".

The second doctors I got ahold of, the "Orthopedic Specialists" who took me another two weeks to get in to see them told me they didn't see anything wrong with my back. Not from the MRI, not from anything. He sat there, asked me questions, checked my reflexes in my knee.... And that was the end of my appointment. The audacity of this doctor that got me the most was that he said this was all in my head. And obviously I have a nerve problem.

I thought this was a little silly- so I questioned him... If there's no problem, why are you saying there's something wrong with the nerve in my right leg. Particularly the sciatica. His response was to promptly get up and leave.

His assistant was kind enough to come back with a prescription to refer me to yet another specialist- to have a nerve test done. I didn't need that- I needed my back fixed. I was only at that point able to broach the subject of taking short term leave from work to get my back issues sorted out, diagnosed correctly, and fixed. The assistant left, then came back and told me it would be $175 for this new doctor to fill out the paperwork. Three pages. Two hundred bucks. I was appalled. I questioned that- cried in the office, I was so hurt at this point. In this amount of pain, no medication, driving myself to the limit because things needed to get done and I was the only one I could rely on... I was having a mini-break down.

That doctor popped his head into my waiting room and simply said "I won't fill this out for you. You need to see the neurosurgeon you had initially seen to get this done. Have a nice day."

I broke down. Took my records, didn't give them any further paperwork, and informed them I was not going to be back ever- nor refer their practice to anyone else.

So started the Emergency Backup Plan.

14 days, turned in to 7. I packed up some of my things, made an emergency call to my parents- and said I need you to come pick me up. They drove down to VA to come get me... Packed what I needed, and scooted me back home. Now my doctor up here had all my records before I had seen him- which is what I planned.

A good piece of advice for anyone with back problems- see first an DO- Doctor of Osteopathy. My doctor here has helped me through this since my first two injuries- my car accident in 2007, then falling down the stairs right after Christmas that same year. I've had flare-ups since then- but nothing this severe or long lasting.

Over the last week, he's helped me more than both those other two nuts did in two months. I have medications- muscle relaxants, and a pain reliever. He was appalled that all I've been taking was Excedrin Back & Body for the amount of pain and spasms I was literally hunched over with. My first appointment, he couldn't touch me- I was too bound up. This was when the pain meds and muscle relaxants were called in. I also had a steroidal shot in my rear end that would bring down the inflammation. Waited two days- and had to see him again. Not much relief- which not only was he surprised at, but he could feel in my back as well. He couldn't touch me for fear of hurting me.

So last week, he put me on an oral dose of steroids in addition to the rest of the medications. Today marked the day of the time passed, and I went to see him again. I had fallen twice this past weekend. Once on Saturday on to pavement (of course, the one day I venture out) and this morning, coming down stairs. That wasn't so bad, as I made myself push back and just sort of landed on the stairs sitting down hard. Diagnosis from me? Pain is alleviated to manageable, but the spasm has not let up. He felt as much as well. On the table, he had me relax as best as he could, then moved my right leg around. Excruciating in most positions.

Then he says, there... That's it.

What's it?

He said "You've got a severely torn ligament on the right side of your spinal column. This makes sense- it wouldn't show up on the x-ray or MRI, but I can feel it slipping. Your disc is slid out. This is the reason for the amount of pain you're in."

Me "Oh. Great."

Doctor "Well, you're young... You'll heal... But this will take a while, and you need to stay absolutely quiet. I need to do a procedure on you to help this give you relief- is that ok?"

Me "Yes. Anything, please. I don't want to hurt."

Doctor "On a scale of 1-10, right now where are you?"

Me "Between 9-10."

Doctor "High threshold of pain?"

Me "Yes. Usually why I end up hurt more than I should by the time I get to the doctor."

Doctor "You need to not wait that long from now on, ok?"

Me "Ok."

So.... Today.

Two nerve blocks, with more steroids. Let me tell you.... Having it done wasn't as bad as it seemed it would be. My doctor has magic hands- he really does. Told me there may be a slight chance of bleeding, or infection to the injection site. It would hurt- the medicine going in. It did... But only for a moment. And in that moment... Relief. Pain level went from 9-10 to 7 in 5 minutes. Level 5 in another 5 minutes. Here I sit tonight, and I'm at a level 4. Manageable. Didn't think I would feel this kind of relief for a while, nevermind by having my doctor suggest this as an alternative.

As it stands, I have to go back in another week for a checkup with him. As I'm making progress more slowly than he'd like, and I'm going a little stir-crazy in the process, whatever it takes to get me back to semi-normal would be just fine with me at this point. I'd be quite thankful. If this block lasts for at least the next week, that means he'll be able to help me more and we'll have at least some sort of idea at a treatment plan. However, if things backtrack- it would mean that other options- including surgery- would then have to be discussed. But when that time comes upon me... I shall do so.

As things look, I'll be working sporadically. I'm not used to sitting around and being idle.... But I'm also having some trouble making my jewelry since my hands are still shaking. I think I'll try to make some tomorrow- but we shall see just how well I progress along. I'm also home amongst my scrapbooking stash- which makes me rub my hands together and grin! So many stickers and embellishments... I don't think I'd have room for another shop on Etsy! Perhaps I'll just make them for my friends and family... Who knows.

My sincere apologies for ranting and raving on and on to everyone... But I wanted to let everyone in on what's been going on, and why I haven't had the chance to be online much at all.