The Haunting Time Is Coming Near!

The Ghoullog - Mountaintop Haunt at Cranmore, North Conway, NH

I don't wanna play games...

With my medications. But that's what the Dr. said... And that's currently what I'm apparently going to do. We need to manage pain, get me out of it, before moving on to a medication that will supposedly ease the spasm in my back. I'm so sick and tired of feeling like this- pain, then numb.

This new medication I got a few weeks ago makes me feel underwater- foggy, numb. We're increasing the dosage because I'm not pain free- I'm just more comfortable on this medication than I was Tramadol. The one I'm taking now is Neurontin/Gabapentin. It's an epileptic medication- which apparently Tramadol can induce if taken too often, which I was doing and not aware of it- but it's also a very strong pain killer. It's baffling both my Doctors that this isn't under control, never mind healed at this point. The spasm in my back just will not let go. Torn muscles, ligaments... But not healing. Not getting better. It hurts.

It's been 4 months of this pain. 3 months since I came home, in 4 days. I wake up in the mornings, the only time of day that I'm lucid. And the pain is horrible- mind numbing in a totally different way than the medications make me. I usually ease down the stairs in the morning on my butt. Too afraid that if I step down, my leg will eventually one day give out and I'll go toppling head first down the stairs. It hasn't happened yet, I sure hope it doesn't. Some mornings, though, I'm able to step down- with my left leg first. Not often though. Then the meds kick in. I get the sensation of slowly going underwater, then the fog comes. And the pain disappears. Mostly. Not completely... But like I said, we're working on that. The medication will be increased gradually over the next few days. More fog. More sleep. The skeletal relaxant only relieves the stiffness in the morning. Celebrex, well, I haven't noticed much of a difference being on it- to be totally blunt. Maybe I just haven't noticed it. It's quite possible.

I think the water therapy is helping. Moving in the water, stretching out, it does help. Even though it's little steps at a time- it's better than no improvement. I'm just very down that I haven't had significant improvement. It seems I'm at a standstill, a red light that has no intention of turning green anytime soon. Things are just piling up, and I'm trying like hell to deal with the stress of it all. I'm antisocial, but I miss my friends. I'm hungry, but not. I'm losing so much weight, I might end up gaunt soon. (joke) I don't want to do anything, but I miss being out too. It's ridiculous.

My mood swings are up and down, ridiculously unpredictable. Not in a bitchy or bad way, only foggy. I want to do something, and then I change my mind and decide no. This medication, we've decided, will be increased. Which means I'll be sleeping even more than I have been. I'll be foggier and need to focus more on what's being said to me in an conversation- I'll have to concentrate. I may ask for things to be repeated- I'm sure I'll miss some of it.

Despite all this overwhelming shit, I'm determined to make positive out of it.
I don't want to stay negative.
The purpose of my new project- the picture a day for a year, perhaps longer... Gives me a reason to look forward to tomorrow. Not that I'm thinking any crazy thoughts- I'm not- I'm just tired of being in chronic pain. I need a positive influence- creativity to flow. I need to devise what picture I'll take. How I'll take it, the setting, the conveyance of emotion. Will it be happy? Sad? Unreadable? Portraits of me, each day, no matter now good or bad I feel. It may be my entire body. It may be my face. It may be my hands, eyes, back, or any other part of my body that I may or may not show. It's a work of progress- a work in progress. It's me, plain and simple. Watch as I change, a progression of growth and trying to cope with anything that life may throw at me. I think it's a good project. A positive growth experience. I'm two days in, and I'm happy with what I've done. We'll see how long it takes before I get aggravated with it- as I'm sure I will. But mark my words- I'll do this for at least 365 days straight. I said I would.


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