The Haunting Time Is Coming Near!

The Ghoullog - Mountaintop Haunt at Cranmore, North Conway, NH

200 Random Questions Survey

It's been a while since I last updated, I've been pretty busy and absent minded as usual. I thought a little reintroduction to myself would be ok to do- considering I haven't really been around in a while.

1. Who is your oldest friend? How long have you known them?
Kristen S. I've known her since 3rd grade.

2. Would you date someone you met online?
Probably not. You don't know what kind of a creep you're talking to.

3. What's your favorite song?
I have too many to list.... However, "Unchained Melody" is one of them.

4. Do you get along with your parents?
Yes, I do.

5. What are you wearing right now?
My pj's. It's Sunday, I'm allowed. Comfy pj pants and a long-sleeved t-shirt from Martha's Vineyard.

6. Yahoo or Google?

7. Do you have any piercings?
My ears, and a tongue stud.

8. Have you ever cut yourself?
By accident, yes.

9. Have you ever been on the radio?
I don't believe so.

10. What does the world need less of?
Violence and stupidity go hand in hand.

11. Cappuccino or coffee?
Coffee- from Dunkin Donuts.

12. Chocolate or vanilla?
Chocolate all the way!

13. Do you study the Bible?
No. I don't.

14. Where did you go to school?
I went to school first in MA, and graduated from high school in CT.

15. How much do you weigh?
About 170. I don't look it, and I don't mind it. I'm a curvy girl. More chicks should be comfortable in their skin no matter how much they weigh.... True beauty comes from accepting yourself and being comfortable in your own skin. As I am.

16. Are you registered to vote?
Yes, and I DO vote.

17. Do you like yourself?
Not lately. I'm frustrated my body isn't cooperating with me, but I am making slow progress. I've become hermity and depressed, and I'm trying not to be.

18. Have you ever gone skinny dipping?
Yes. But I'm not telling you where.

19. Last time you were really really mad?
Ummm, that would be at the state governor and the former Democrat .

20. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Finishing up watching "The Devil's Advocate", and then went to bed.

21. Do animals go to Heaven?
I believe they go somewhere other than here. If you choose to call it Heaven, then that's where they go.

22. Kleenex or Puffs?
Puffs. They have the healing soft aloe in 'em so I don't end up looking like lizard nose.

23. Dominos or Pizza Hut?
Pizza Hut- I love their breadsticks.

24. Do you get enough exercise?
I can't do any right now. Or at the very least, minimal. It sucks.

25. What is your favorite female name?
I have a few, but in case I have children, I don't want to say :) Nobody get's my baby's names. IF I have any... Until they're born.

26. Do you drink alcohol?
Occasionally. The medications I'm on aren't really conducive to drinking. I prefer my tea.

27. Have you ever been drunk?
Oh yes, many a time. Mostly in my younger years.

28. Have you ever been on a motorcycle?
Yes, and once I'm better... I'm getting one.

29. Right handed? Left handed? Both?
Right handed to write. Ambidextrous for most everything else.

30. Do you think you're attractive?
I think I'm pretty, but not super-model worthy.

31. When do you get up?
Whenever I can manage to crawl out of bed.

32. What's your favorite movie?
I have way too many...

33. One rumor that's been spread about you:
Haven't been any lately, because I haven't been socializing.

34. Have you ever been dumped?
Yes. And he didn't even have the balls to do it face to face.

35. Have you ever been hit on by the same sex?
Yes, a few times. It's quite flattering, but not my cup of tea so to speak. And I tell girls who I think are pretty just as much as well.

36. Do you like taking surveys?
I'm outrageously bored today. My back hurts, and I don't want to get up out of my chair yet.

37. Orange juice or apple juice?
Apple cider.

38. What's your favorite band?
Nine Inch Nails.

39. TV or movie?
Movie- specifically DVD's. It's too friggen expensive to go out and see a stupid movie now.

40. Do you consider yourself religious?
Not by most people's perception.

41. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?
More times than I'd like to admit.

42. What kind of music do you hate?
Most rap, grunting and groaning heavy metal, and twangy country.

43. Have you ever done yoga?
No, I haven't yet.

44. What's your favorite store? 
Any place that sells shoes or jewelry.

45. Say something annoying.
"Something annoying"

46. Who did you last talk to?
Meem. She's over at the kitchen table.

47. What is your hair color?
Red & Black.

48. Where do you live?
With my parents for now, until I can get 100% fixed up and back to normal.

49. Do you like walks in the park?
They're alright.... Can't do them now, I'd hurt myself.

50. Mints or chewing gum?
Mints. I have braces- no gum for me!!

51. Have you ever made out with just a friend?

52. Do you believe in spontaneous combustion?
Not spontaneous. If I see someone do it, then I'll alter my opinion.

53. Do you get annoyed easily?
That depends on whether or not I'm PMS-ing, or if I'm already in a bad mood. Typically? No.

54. Have you ever been late to work because of myspace?

55. Do you still use film for cameras?
I have a digital camera.

56. Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea?

57. Have you ever smoked?
I quit cigarettes.

58. Have you ever prayed to Bhudda?
No. But I have rubbed a Bhudda belly for good luck.

59. Would you be president if you could?
Yes. Maybe I could help this fucked up economy.
60. Land or water?
Water. I love water. I'm a Pisces- I'm at home and most comfortable near it.

61. Have you ever searched for your own name on Google? 

62. Have you ever been toilet papering?
No, I'd feel too guilty.

63. Watching or playing sports?
Watching. I'm too small to play.... I'd get road-killed!

64. Is there happiness in slavery?
If you're talking about the NIN song, then YES.

65. What is your favorite name?
I don't think I have one?

66. Hot or cold?

67. What is your favorite number?

68. Would you go rock climbing?
Sure, once I'm better and I know I'm in good physical shape that my body could handle it.

69. Would you try to take over the world?
Yes. LOL.... Pinky and The Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain...

70. Why do you admire people?
The ones I admire have good qualities that I share.

71. What is the last thing you said to someone?
"I don't smell burning paper."
72. Would you go skydiving?
No. My luck, the chute wouldn't open.

73. Have you ever peed your pants after age 8?
No. I potty trained well.

74. Do you hate yourself?
Some days I dislike myself, but I don't hate myself.

75. Do you smile a lot?
Not as often as I used to... I should. I just don't feel happy much of the time.

76. Have you ever been abducted by aliens?
If I have been, they erased my memory and I have no recollection.

77. Would you chug beer? 
No, I like to sip my beers. And only the good stuff.
78. What's your favorite drink?
Kahlua or Bailey's, on the rocks.

79. Have you ever broken a bone?
Not that I've worn a cast for. I badly sprained or may have fractured my two pinkies.

80. Favorite age you have been so far?
When I was 24, and I had someone I let go that I shouldn't have. But... Everything happens for a reason, and things still haven't changed. So I'm sad it's over- but I deserve someone that will make me happy.

81. Cars or boats?

82. Would you be my friend?
Um, who's asking?

83. Favorite day of the week?
Every day is the same to me. Unfortunately. It's been that way for 7 months. And not much longer if I can get better quickly.

84. Have you ever beat someone up?
Yes. Nobody ever messed with me after that.

85. Would you have plastic surgery?
No, I'm happy with what I have.

86. Have you ever seen Nine Inch Nails in concert?
YES!!!!! <3 <3 <3 <3

87. Have you ever kissed someone in the rain?
Yes. It's sexy.

88. Who have you met online?
My online friends are just that- online. Many of them are fellow crafters. We're fun.
89. Do you read much?
Yes. I typically have 2-3 books going at the same time.

90. Are you afraid of the dark?
No. I'm not.

91. Have you ever been to a concert?
Yes, many of them... All fun!

92. Would you eat sushi?
I make my own sushi! nom nom nom nom!!!!!!!

93. Do you like the band Nine Inch Nails? 
Redundant question. Yes, I LOVE them.

94. Do you have any collections?
Collections of what? Bras? Yes. Undies? Yes. Socks? Yes. Fairys? Yes. DVD's? A few. What other collections should I have?

95. Are you color blind?

96. How much cash do you have right now? 
HAH. Hardly any. That's what happens when you're out of work because of a severe medical condition, short term disability is denied and you have to appeal, and can't go back to work or else can sustain permanent injury. It's friggen irritating.

97. Who is your newest friend?
MMmmm..... My online gal pals :)
98. Do you smoke?
I quit. From time to time, I'll have a puff of a cigarette, but otherwise.... I don't touch 'em anymore. I don't want 'em.
99. What is something you wish you were better at?
Being in a relationship that lasts longer than just a few months.

100. Last phone call?
Ummmm.... Feline.

101. What was the last compliment you received?
I have beautiful eyes.

102. Name one person you love, and why:
I can't name just one person. My family- because they're all here for me when I need them. My friends, because they are too.

103. Would you lie to your best friend?
No. Not unless it was a little white lie to cover up a surprise.

104. Tofu or bacon?
I like both, but I'll take the bacon please.

105. Who do you talk to most on IM?
I don't have IM. I use FB chat, but that's about it.

106. Are you a health freak?
Nope. But I try to keep a balanced diet.
107. Explain what you think about abortion.
I don't think it should be used as a form of birth control, and for "oops" moments. Abortion kills a child. However, if it's a product of rape, incest, or the child will have severe birth defects that will kill it shortly after birth if it even survives- I think it's the woman's choice (and in the case of birth defects, the father's as well) as to what she will do.
My personal opinion is that life begins at conception- even though it's a glob of cells dividing, it's the miracle of life that's beginning.
108. Have you ever been arrested?
109. What was the last insult you GAVE?
*flips off woman on cell phone blocking traffic because she's not paying attention* "Go back home you @*#&$)! Mass-hole!!!!!"
110. Favorite comic strip?
Calvin & Hobbes
111. Why do you like the music you do?
I listen to a wide array of music. I lifts my spirits, makes me feel better, and makes me want to dance- even though I can't right now.
112. What do you think of reality TV? 
113. What do you call those little plastic things on the ends of shoelaces? 
They have a formal name??
114. Do you sleep naked?
Not typically.

115. Hug or kiss?
I don't like it when people touch me. I like to initiate, but it's ok if some people hug/kiss me. Just don't surprise me... You might get slapped by accident.
116. Would you flip off the pope?
If he did something stupid, yes.
117. Would you set yourself on fire?
No, I'm not that much of a jokester.

118. Do you like dogs?
Yes, but I'm a total cat person.

119. Do you love someone?
I love my family.
120. Your crush's first name: 

121. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
"Another day, I look like shit.*sighs*"

122. Yoga or pilates?
Pilates is fun.

123. Have you ever danced in public?
Of course. When I can move, I got some good ones!

124. Ocean or pool?
Ocean. Nothing beats hot sand, bright sun, seashells, waves crashing on the beach, salty air.

125. What is your favorite sport to watch?
Football and Ice Hockey!

126. What is your biggest fear? 
It's a tie between Spiders and Clowns.

127. When do you go to bed? 
Whenever I can manage to fall asleep and stay that way.

128. Who do you talk to most on the phone? 
My doctor's receptionists.

129. Do you find dead people interesting?
Some of them.
130. Logic or art? 

131. What does the world need more of?
Understanding. Common sense. Compassion.

132. Do you brush and floss?

133. Do you like to learn? 
I try to learn something new each day.

134. Would you run from the police? 
I can't run... lol

135. Have you ever been camping?
I love to go camping! Just can't do it in the condition I'm in now... Hopefully, next summer.

136. Lace or satin? 
Lace over Satin.

137. Have you ever written a song?

138. Have you ever missed a meal because you were busy on myspace?
No, I hardly bother with that site anymore. Too many freaking ads.

139. Emily Dickinson or Walt Whitman? 
Both excellent writers. I can't choose.

140. McDonalds or Burger King? 
Neither one. I saw how chicken nuggets are made, so now I'm afraid of what's in the burgers. The apple pies are potatoes!!!!

141. Do you like dancing?
Yes, but I can't do it. Yet.
142. Coke or Pepsi?

143. Favorite country?
My own- America!
144. Shorts or pants?
145. Have you been on drugs?
Currently on prescription ones. It's all legal.

146. Do you want to have kids?
I'm undecided. I'd like to, but I think I'm getting too old now. Besides- I don't want to settle down just for the sake of having kids. That's unfair to them.

147. Do you want to get married?
Maybe someday.
148. Are you a vegetarian?
No. I'm an omnivore. I love my meat AND veggies. I'm not at the top of the food chain to eat like a rabbit.

149. Do you know how to drive a car? 
Of course I do. I prefer driving trucks though.

150. Happy or depressing music?
Depends on my mood.

151. What is your eye color?
Blue. They change colors- I go from light, to medium, to dark, and there's a ring of violet close to my pupil which is kinda cool.
152. Would you drop out of school or quit your job?
I never dropped out of school, and I've quit a couple jobs.
153. Do you believe that animals have souls?

154. Do you hate someone? 
Yes, I do.

155. Do you ever use your full name? 
It depends what for.
156. Have you ever shoplifted?
No. I'm too afraid of being caught.

157. Have you ever been in a movie?
Do youtube videos count?

158. Do you have a bad life?
No. I'm just having some difficulty with it these past 8 months.
159. Favorite city?
Boston. My hometown.... I <3 it!

160. Would you give money to a hobo?
Yes. Some of them.

161. What is the perfect day for you?
When I wake up and I'm not in pain. And perhaps finding someone I want to be the last thing I see at night, and first thing when I wake in the morning.
162. Are you a neat freak?
I plead the 5th.

163. Have you ever fallen in love with a neighbor?

164. Are you ghetto?
Hahaha, no.

165. If you had to get married now, who would you want to marry?
I don't have to say.

166. Group or single dates?
Both are fun, and both should be done in equal parts.

167. Last time you used the bathroom? 
A while ago.

168. Have you ever considered suicide?
Yes. During some bad spells. But... Someone always has it worse off than I do, and committing suicide would only hurt my family. The sun comes up each day- and it's each a new one to make things better.

169. Do you know how to drive stick?
Yes, it's fun! And I even know how to drive it without using the clutch!

170. Have you ever asked someone out?
Most of my boyfriends I have.

171. Would you date someone younger than you?
I have. But never more than a year younger than me.
172. Have you ever been to a different country?
Just up to Canada so far.
173. What is your favorite flavor in general?
Peach, or pistachio.

174. When you wake up, what is the first thing you think? 
I wanna sleep just a little while longer....
175. Do you get motion sickness?

176. How tall are you? 
177. Do you like the band Radiohead?
They've got some good songs.

178. Explain what you think about dating.
Heh. I'm close to giving up. It sucks sometimes, because you allow yourself to be vulnerable and open up to the other person- and a lot of times it's not reciprocated. And then they hurt you by tearing your guts out. But not everyone does that.
179. Favorite type of shoe? 
Heels. I just can't wear them for now.

180. Have you ever gone streaking?

181. Do you believe in yourself?
Yes, I do.

182. Do you own a camera phone?
Duh. I think they're all pretty much camera phones LOL

183. Do you want to go to college?
I have been, I just didn't graduate. I'll go back for an esthetician's license though.

184. Who do you want to meet?
Whomever comes into my life.

185. Have you ever sworn?
Often. I need to stop...

186. Have you ever gone to a private school?
No, I haven't.

187. Have you ever kissed someone?
Duh, of course I have.

188. Do you believe in love at first sight?
No. Lust at first sight is the more accurate term.

189. Have you ever performed on stage?
Yes, when I was younger. It was cute.

190. How do you vent anger?
I cry. I used to go out and drive around. Listen to music. Talk to my parents.

191. Why are they called fingers if they don't fing?
Stupid question!!
192. Have you ever skipped school?
Yep.... And I got caught... So I got in-school suspensions.

193. Do you own a car?

194. Who is your favorite celebrity? 
I don't have one.

195. Do you hold grudges?
It depends on what's done to make me angry.... Sometimes I let it go, others I don't.

196. Do you wear glasses?
I have them, but I don't wear them as often as I should. I don't want my eyes to get worse.

197. What's your family like? 
Awesome. Silly. Funny. LOUD. Bickery. We're fun.

198. Have you ever been on a road trip? 
Yeah, kind of.

199. What does your name mean?
Worthy of being loved, Friend.
200. Last time you saw your dad?
About 2 miliseconds ago- he's cooking something at the stove.

It's been a while....

Since I've posted, and I apologize.
There's a lot going on.... And while I've been kept busy with some things, there are others that just reduce me to a lazy, sleepy slug that just doesn't want to be social.
I've failed epically on my picture a day for a year project. I'm going to start it over. Soon.

I just wanted to check in and let you know I'm doing ok.... I'll write more tomorrow.
xoxo ~*SP


I had another Dr. C appointment, and I woke up completely twisted and kinked the wrong way. Pain on a scale from 1-10 was maintaining at 5. He immediately saw the way I was sitting, felt my back, and said "You're tighter than a tight drum... Let's go..."

Off to the manipulation room we go... And he has me lay down. It was nerve block day. He didn't want to adjust me before the blocks, so we went through all the usual- release form, benefits, pros and cons, and he got the needle. Now... I'm not afraid of needles, as I've been stuck with them so many times before, it's like a little pain prick and it's gone. I've had many hospital visits because of my chronic asthma, and I'm also a blood donor when I'm well and not on medication. To divide off here for a moment, it's really upsetting to me I can't donate blood right now because of the medications I'm taking. *pout* I'll be well someday- and I'll pick back up then. Anyways- first up was mapping which nerves were the most inflamed. This was the most hurtful, excruciating painful part of the process- as he had to use his fingers and push into my back. If you remember correctly, I can lay on that portion of my back on memory foam, or a soft chair/couch, but anything harder than a light pressure on that spot of my back is like sticking a hot fire poker into my flesh. Yes- that bad.

He was kind enough to find the outer nerves first, there were two, before moving to the inner ones. They were the worst- forcing my muscles into a spasm that won't let go, because it's so inflamed and painful. So in go his fingertips- which I'm sure had he touched any other part of my back wouldn't have hurt at all- and I nearly jumped off the table. I wanted to scream, but I buried my head in the pillow and grabbed the sides of the table to concentrate on not moving. This happened a few times, since he needed to pinpoint where these suckers were- and as it turns out, there were two badly inflamed ones within this section too.

He went and got the medicine, and came back with a needle that made me think twice. Even though he had given me one block before (just one area), I hadn't seen the needle last time- only my parents did. I just concentrated on relaxing as much as I could. Signed the release form, and here we go. He started at the top of the affected area, right above my right hip, and moved down. The medicine stung a bit going in, but the pinpricks of the needle going through my skin bothered me this time- and my Dr. quipped that I was "thick skinned". I laughed to myself, because if I had moved, it would risk him losing control of the needle and either ending up in the wrong place or hitting the nerve itself. I'm proud to say, even though it hurt... I stayed absolutely still. I concentrated on how my hands felt on the table... He finished with the 4th shot, then my leg was cold. I thought it was just me.

Dr. C had me roll to my side, then picked up my leg. It didn't hurt as bad... It worked! Success! He was able to adjust me, since all four of my vertebrae from L3 to S1 were out of place- of course, causing me pain and keeping the inflammation high. While the spasm really hadn't released much, he was able to adjust me to get all four back in- which he hasn't been able to do at all up until this point. I was relaxed enough through my lower back now, with the aide of the block, for him to move me.

Then the test... Of whether or not I could walk ok. So I got up hesitantly, and took a few steps. My leg was still really cold- and he said it was normal, the chilly feeling would wear off in a few days. I still felt twinges and pain, but it wasn't nearly as bad. Going through the pain beforehand completely wiped me out, which is why I didn't do anything but sit in my chair for the rest of the day.

This morning, I've noticed while I don't really have the constant pain which is sharp in that section of my back, I've got a dull throbbing ache instead. The difference is that it's bearable. For the first time since this whole thing started 6 months ago, it's bearable- and I'm not medicated to high heaven, not in a fog. Not useless. I still am noticing a slight amount of pain down my leg- but again, nothing like it had been. I think because I had felt it so long, I didn't notice how bad it really was. Coupled with the new medication I'm on, which blocks the pain receptors from getting pain signals, it's a welcome relief to feel like this. I just hope a sneeze doesn't slip anything out of place in my back- which has been happening. I've noticed I'm a little straighter, but I'm still favoring my right side, because it does continue to hurt a little. I'm really hoping this block works more than 6 weeks- which was the average the other one lasted... Even though they're supposed to last 6 months. Aye.

I'd say we're starting to finally make progress in the forward direction. Pain level is 2 today. Leg is still cold though.. Hah.

Day 42 - Candy Corn Eyes

I was absolutely, unequivocally, without a doubt self loathing and miserable today. Right back to the red lipstick, AGAIN, to bring my mood up.

It's like a swipe of the color fixes a lot of things. It then inspired me to finish my face- and I came up with a new eye look inspired by fall. Candy Corn inspired eyes. The heavy black shadow really makes the colors pop- for an unusual look. Harsh, bright colors brought my mood up instantly.

My father didn't like it.

I just smiled.

Day 41 - Bite the Rose

I needed to feel better.
No motivation- yet again. So I broke out the red lipstick, since I can't wear my high heels. I think it worked quite nicely.

A black rose to compliment my mood was perfect.

Never Forget.

3 Firemen Raising American Flag at Ground Zero. Image from
Yesterday, it really bothered me what our current "president" was discussing in his over an hour-long press conference. Aside from not really answering questions asked in any way, shape or form, and instead reiterating his agenda, how great his policies are, how his administration is changing things drastically, blah blah, blah... It really stung when I heard, yet again, what he is trying to make today. Attempting to declare September 11 a day of "national service" devoted to cleaning up parks, roadways, neighborhoods- volunteer for the bettering of our communities.

Photo by Michael Macor. Image from Chronicle,

I'm sorry- but this "national service day" should not be reserved for a day 2,977 American Citizens were murdered by extremists. (I do not count the hijackers in amongst the victims) Volunteer work should be done year-round, not just on 9/11. Today is a day to honor those who died. For the fathers, brothers, mothers, daughters, aunts & uncles, children, grandchildren, cousins and friends of ours who died. A day to mourn the brave rescue teams- both the Police and Fire Departments, and other rescue crews who arrived on scene- who tried to save as many people as they could- many of them losing their lives to do so. Today is a day to remember, never to be forgotten. It seems to me that many already have. While I think the first few anniversaries of 9/11 were a little over-exposed by the media weeks in advance... Now, it's like they've saved it all only to be mentioned today. The actual day. I was horrified and disgusted in D.C. last year- that while I observed a minute of silence at the four times:
8:46 for Flight 11
9:03 for Flight 175
9:38 for Flight 77
10:10 for Flight 93

Nobody around me observed the same as I did. I know I can't force anyone to, but I suppose I'm old fashioned and expected people to show respect for 4 minutes out of their day. Is it really too much to ask? It sickens me to think that some of the people out there think of this as just another day of the year. It happened 9 years ago, what's the big deal? Well... The big deal is that over three thousand of our fellow American brothers and sisters were murdered.

Do you think their families will ever forget? Parents, siblings, spouses, cousins never coming home. Pictures, memorials set up in a sign of respect for those that died. Reminding us to never forget. I don't think, in my personal opinion, it's right to desecrate their memory by acknowledging this "day of service". A mother, raising a child that never knew its father. A father, raising a child on his own that was too young to remember its mother. Holiday events, where family comes together... Missing someone, forever. A gathering of friends to celebrate an event- missing one or more people. Tears are cried each year, I'm sure... The same way I imagine that people share the best stories about their absent loved ones in an attempt to at least smile and appreciate the good times they shared. To reminisce about the time, albeit short, they had together.

That morning, I had just poured my Mother and I a cup of coffee, and my Dad had literally just left for work 10 minutes prior. They had gone to a football game over the weekend and in Pennsylvania, coming back through New York on Monday, the 10th. Of course, they came straight home even though it was a long ride. They joked about how one of these days they'd have to visit NYC and take time going through the city. Coffees in hand, Mom and I sat down in front of the TV watching Good Morning America, with me listening to her telling me the funny stories that arose out of being Patriots fans down in Philly Eagles territory. All in good fun, of course.

In between bouts of laughter, and sipping coffee, we then heard Matt Lauer stutter, and announce a breaking story. It was then the cameras cut to the first tower. Mom and I immediately turned to the TV and watched- like statues- the burning building. What happened? What could have caused that fire, that gaping hole in the side... No, sides of the building. There were fluttering things coming down from all three sides- paper? It must have been. We watched. Matt then said there were unconfirmed reports that a plane had hit the tower, but it was thought to be a small aircraft. No commercial breaks at this point, the cameras were fixated on the tower that was burning away so furiously. White papers still fluttering to the ground, almost like it was slow motion. Then the reports came in that it was indeed a plane, but not a small one like originally thought- it was a commercial airliner jet full of passengers that were aboard.

While we were listening to Matt and Katie Couric trying to sift through the papers and notes which were being passed to them, with their occasional comments... I couldn't help but think this was a sick, sick joke. It had to be. The building couldn't actually be burning- it just wasn't possible. I was trying to convince myself that it was just a movie effect, and someone was pulling a cruel prank. And then, as Mom and I continued to watch, the second plane hit. We watched in horror as it came out of the sky, and deliberately hit the second tower and explode. Matt and Katie were silent. The person on the other end of their news feed cussed. We started crying.

Second hit. Image from

We watched it as the fireball erupted from where the plane crashed into the building, spewing papers and office materials out of the broken windows. I remember hoping that the people on those floors didn't have time to see what happened... And I hoped that they died quickly so that they wouldn't feel pain. Matt and Katie both tried to speak, their words stuck in their throats, and then started to tear up. I think, collectively, anyone that was watching TV at this point, or there in NYC, were already starting to mourn. It was that moment I realized this wasn't a joke- the towers were burning because two planes were purposely flown into them. What will be next? Boston? San Fransisco? D.C.? Houston? Chicago? What's next?

Lady Liberty Mourns. Photo from

Glued to the TV, and I was the only one with a cell phone at that point. My Dad hated them, and he was on his 2 hour trip to work... No way to get ahold of him until he arrived to his office. Maybe the radio had broken to make a special announcement, and maybe it hadn't. Then it hit me. My parents had been in NYC yesterday- the 10th. I cried even harder. My coffee was cold. I didn't want to get up and heat it up- I was glued to the television. A phone call, an architect friend. He was crying too... Mom and him talked for a while, and through the tears I heard her catch her breath. "If they're lucky, they'll have an hour, they're going to fall" the friend said.

"No, really? They look so... Permanent. I thought they built those to protect from fire?" Mom started...

"With a normal fire, yes. But this is jet engine fuel, and the way it's burning it's going to super-heat and melt the core of the building and they're both going to fall... They don't have long." our friend said.

I tuned out at that point, not wanting to hear this. It was bad enough the planes hit the buildings, they can't disappear. They're what makes the skyline of NYC just that- unique. Mom finished the conversation, and I got us some more coffee. We were glued to the TV. Then we see dark things falling down from the buildings, papers flying out the sides of the towers had stopped. What, are they dumping office equipment out? Then shapes... Oh my god. People are jumping out of the windows, to escape the flames. There's nothing below to catch them... To escape the fire they're jumping out of the windows... I broke down. These people were trapped- the lack of stairs to get down from the upper floors, the smoke and lack of oxygen, and fire in the building were blocking access for rescue teams from below, and the flames and smoke were making it impossible to rescue by extraction on those upper levels- the doors to access the rooftops were locked. Those people were in an oven. I didn't know tears could flow out of my eyes at the rate they were going.

Pentagon. Image from

Matt started talking again- a report of another plane being hijacked, this one had crashed into the Pentagon. Who could orchestrate this kind of attack?! What the hell is going on?? Then crumbling.... The first tower hit, WTC 2, was simply gone. It crumbled down, like an accordion.Our friend was right. 56 minutes, the building was decimated. The other one would go soon. 

Shanksville, PA crash site. Image from

Reports came through again, a fourth plane crashed into a field in Pennsylvania. Speculation that it was headed for somewhere in DC- the White House, The Capitol Building, someplace important. I sat there, close to my Mom. Both of us crying, flipping the channels, same news on every station. Not even a half hour later- the second tower, WTC 1, collapses.

Emerging from the Ash. Image from

What few media personnel, and civilians, that were inside that zone... Watching as the building fell and the tidal wave of dust and debris overtook everyone on the street. Everyone was the same gray color, walking around in complete shock or hysteria, trying to get out, get away. Those people in the buildings... Are gone. The people in the streets are covered in ash from what burned inside the building, compounds, chemicals. They were covered in the ashes of the people that were burned alive. I wished this wasn't true, I was having a nightmare and I'd wake up. It couldn't have happened like this... Everyone ducking for cover, in a doorway, beside or under a vehicle, running like hell down the streets. Crying. Screaming. Silent. Lost. Bloodied. The cameras overcome by the dust blotted out and only saw specks of ash and debris. We could hear people crying, screaming, running away. Alarms the firefighters wear to locate one another- but we couldn't see them even though the camera was still rolling.

The news stations simultaneously showed the enormous ash cloud of where the Towers had stood this morning, just hours ago, and the burning wreck in the side The Pentagon that was hit. Nothing broadcast about the plane in Pennsylvania... They weren't sure if there were survivors there yet. They quickly confirmed that none had survived.

The following morning, I remember seeing the rescue crews set up just a few blocks away from the Trade Centers in NY, beds, medical equipment, and personnel there ready to help injured people inside tents, in an effort to keep the dust and debris out. Then seeing them again, in shock that hardly anyone was brought to them- just those people that had managed to get out of the buildings, or into the streets. My Mom said "They don't need them... Not that many, there won't be enough bodies. This is going to be a search for remains... If they find anyone alive, they'll be very lucky." I knew she was right... But I hoped. Like millions of other people, I hoped some of those people would be ok. As a nation we all did.

WTC September 16, 2001. Taken by USGS field crew members.Todd Hoefen & Greg Swayze

The air was dusty for weeks on end. Lights lit up the area, and it was absolutely haunting. It's a graveyard. The site where the World Trade Centers sat. The wing of The Pentagon which was hit. The field where the fourth plane crashed. They're graveyards. I watched as this unfolded. As I realized many of my friends lost family, and friends, to these attacks. I know not everyone remembers this day- especially the younger children and those born since then... But it's still my opinion that this not be declared a day of service.

It is a day of remembrance.
It is a day to honor all those who died.
It is a day to honor the families and friends of the people murdered.
It is a day to mourn.

Image from

During the Christmas Season that year, I volunteered for the Polar Express at the time. The guy that runs the event extended an invitation to all the families that had lost a member to come stay at a hotel which was complimentary donated, and tickets to the event were also free. Only about 40 families showed up. Most of them were Mothers with small children. Since we volunteered to be Chefs on the train that night, my Mom and I took the car that most of these strangers were on. The children were excited, but there was an undercurrent of sadness so strong- I nearly cried. The parents- a few Dads with children, but mostly Mothers, and in a few cases Grandparents only- were emotional, choking back tears. Single parents on a train ride. Grandparents who had lost their own children, now raising their grandchildren.

We served the hot chocolate, and gave the nougat candy... Nearly every child said thank you to us for serving both. They were so quiet, reserved... Afraid to let the magic of Christmas get too close, I think, for fear that something else would go wrong. So I started being silly, making funny faces at the kids. Mom and I started singing, and dancing as best we could on the train that was rocking back and forth on the tracks. We were finally getting them to start to open up... They helped us sing, they watched outside as we went through the woods to the "North Pole", even the adults joined us. These children were too young to be so sad- but suffering through a trauma such as they had, I didn't blame them. We wanted to make them forget for a little while. We kept rushing from side to side of the train- asking if the kids were seeing signs that we were almost to the North Pole, look a wolf! Collective "Woooooowwwww's", sighs, they were getting antsy. Finally opening up to the excitement of the evening, the magic we were trying to create...

Myself, two sisters, brother and Mom are in this photo. This was not taken in 2001.

"Look! Look! Look! What's that?" Mom and I shouted all of a sudden... The kids pressed their noses to the windows of the train car- and a few of them yelled "ELVES!!!!!!!! They have lights!!!!!!! I see Santa's sleigh!!!!!!!" We had some of the kids from one side of the train come over with others in the row across so they could see. We helped a few stand up on the seats and look. "Look! There's MILLIONS of them! Do I get one of my own?" We answered yes- each family gets an Elf of their own to walk them on up... They hurriedly scrambled for their boots, jackets, hats and mittens. They all wore their PJ's (of course, that's tradition!) and were quite warm. They were all chitter-chatter and excitement... They literally couldn't get dressed fast enough- and were trying to drag their families off the train as quick as they could.

We did it. We managed to turn these sad kids into delighted and excited little ones chomping at the bit to get up and see Santa. Out of respect, they were the first ones allowed to disembark from the train. The elves led them up the path to "Santa's Barn" with little white lanterns. They threw snowballs to some of the elves playing out in front. They all got front row seating to the stage. Nearly everyone that volunteered on the train walked up to see the performance that night. The children were finally forgetting, for just a little while, the pain they had been (and will forever be) living with. The adults were emotional- eyes brimming with tears that threatened to spill over... And most of their children/grandchildren telling them not to cry, it will be alright- Santa's going to visit. Which of course- made them cry. Made most of us "Chefs" cry too. Many of the Elves teared up.

Not the 2001 performance. My Dad was Santa for a year.

The performance went off without a hitch- and when Santa came out... The kids were in absolute awe. Stunned that he actually showed up- right there in front of them. Of course- a little boy was picked from the crowd, as with every performance, and when asked what he wanted for Christmas he replied "Well, I'd like a bell from your sleigh for everyone."

Voices and excited squeals of delight immediately erupted from the NYC children... "We're getting bells!" was almost everything we heard. At this point, the show was nearly done, so we had to get back to the train. We prepared the bags, with the bells, and greeted our guests as they boarded the train for the ride back to the train station. I held the bag, as Mom reached in and pulled out the silver bells and handed them to everyone- kids and parents alike. I've never received so many hugs as I did that night I volunteered. What broke my heart is we had extras... And each family was given an extra bell for the loved one they lost. The parents cried, and the children held on extra tight to that bell so they could give it to their gone mother/father/family member. We sang some more, I rubbed my cheeks against some of the children who wanted "magic sparkles" from the glitter I had worn- of course with permission from Mom or Dad or Grandparents. During the ride back, some of the older kids continued singing with us. The younger ones, however, were starting to peter out and quickly fell asleep- curled up in the arms of their guardian, or against an older sibling. They still had the bells clutched in their little hands... One was theirs, one was for the Mom or Dad they lost. A few families, both. We made absolutely sure every person that wasn't able to be with their children that night still had a bell given to them. Looking at their sleeping faces, and the mixed emotions on the faces of the adults and children that were still awake, I realized then what this night meant to them. What we did for them.

They had forgotten for a night the pain and loss they would forever suffer through.

We did our job.

This is why I refuse to recognize this day as one of "National Service".

God Bless America. I will never, ever forget.

Faces of the Victims. Image from

Day 40 - I Hide

Day 40 - I Hide, originally uploaded by The Snarky Princess.

I paint a good face, don't I.

I even managed to get my hair pretty today. It's time for a new dye job. You can see my blonde roots.


I look nearly normal. I'm a good artist, I suppose. I'm so tired. I'm very frustrated. But I'm never giving up.

Day 39 - Shoulder

Day 39 - Shoulder, originally uploaded by The Snarky Princess.

To me, this is one of my favorite spots on my body. The curve where my neck and shoulder meet.

Lazy kisses there tingle and tickle a bit.
This place here, and the curve between my ribs and hip are my favorites.

Blurred, because it's softer... More feminine when out of focus. So easily broken- touch hurts and it's awful. I don't like being touched if I don't know who you are, or if you reach out and grab me before I see you. Sensory issues.

This place... I love this place. It's one of the places that it doesn't hurt when fingertips touch me.

Day 38 - The Revenge Body

Apologies for not keeping up on this the past few weeks. Today I resume. I miss the photos.

He dumped me.
Months ago.

So far, I've lost almost 50 lbs.
It's the medications for keeping my back pain under control. It's been a rough road. I'm finally on medication that doesn't make me high out of my mind. It's nice to have most of my thoughts back- though, motivation I'm still having a tough time with.

The pain eases a little each day- but some days it comes back full force. I'm trying to stay optimistic.

I suppose it's time to be very shallow and a little bitchy.

Meet my revenge body.
It's no longer his to enjoy!

Boy, that makes me gloat.

Astrology Chart = Me.

This birth chart report shows the positions of the planets for me.

The Sun represents vitality, a sense of individuality and outward-shining creative energy.

Sun in Pisces

As the twelfth and last sign of the zodiac, Pisces contains within itself a little experience of all the signs. This gives Pisces Suns the ability to identify with people from all walks of life--from all backgrounds--in some way. These individuals are not only changeable and adaptable, they have open minds and tremendous understanding. But Pisces itself is often misunderstood. Pisces Suns may spend a good portion of their lives yearning for understanding, and the other part in a state of divine discontent. Suffering is sometimes glamorized in the Piscean world.

Sun in Pisces people are frequently pegged as wishy-washy, but this is all a matter of opinion. What you will find behind a vaguely directionless, spacey manner is a deep person with real dreams. Their dreams are more than getting that picket fence or making it up the corporate ladder. Pisces are tuned in to a higher purpose and their dreams transcend the individual. A deep love for humanity, and compassion that knows no bounds is found with this placement of the Sun. Pisceans are not known to be cutthroat business types, nor are they given to throwing themselves out into the world in an aggressive manner. But make no mistake about it, Pisces can be extraordinarily successful when given the chance to express themselves. The arts, marketing, music, teaching, drama, healing arts...these are all fields in which Pisces can find expression. Their imagination, attunement to humanity, and remarkable intuition endow them with enviable gifts of insight and creativity.

Pisces is a sensitive sign--both sensitive to criticism and sensitive to others' feelings. Easily touched by human suffering, at least in theory, Pisces wouldn't hurt a fly. They believe in people, are deeply hurt by compassionless human behavior, and have a hard time saying no. Harsh realities are avoided either through escapist behavior or self-delusion; but every now and again reality does raise its ugly head, and hits Pisces over the head. This is a sad time indeed. Pisces retreats into their own world, self-pitying and giving pep talks to themselves ("I will never trust again!"). Rest assured, though, that these periods are rather short-lived and even useful. Pisces seems to derive energy from their (generally short) bouts of self-pity. They come back stronger, with a spring in their step, ready to face the world again, and just as, if not more, compassionate and trusting as they were before. Some might even wonder if Pisces finds pleasure in suffering. Sometimes this is the case, but most of the time, Pisces pulls a lot of creative energy from sadness. Pisces is the poet or artist with angst, although this trait is often more apparent with Moon in Pisces.

Some find Pisces' tendency to be late for appointments, spaced out behavior, and absent-mindedness amount to irresponsibility. Pisces would be shocked to know this, however. Who me? Pisces wonders. Irresponsible? Pisces Suns absolutely care--their love knows no bounds--but their retreats from ordinary life (whether they are as simple as daydreams or actual departures) that they so seem to need every now and again are not always understandable to no-nonsense signs, such as Virgo or Aries. Many Pisces seem almost allergic to things like shopping lists, maps, directions, and instructions, and for some brave souls, even watches -- they prefer to feel their way through life than to follow some plan. We find plenty of artists, poets, and musicians with Sun (and other personal planets) in Pisces. Piscean themes are woven throughout the songs of Billy Corgan of the Smashing Pumpkins and Kurt Cobain of Nirvana, for example.

Short description:

She is compassionate and sentimental. She likes isolated occupations: administration, archives, history. Spirit of self-sacrifice.

Weaknesses: tendency to be led astray, lack of experience or inability to apply experience practically. Lethargy, over-sensitivity and emotionalism.

Mars in Pisces

Mild-tempered and gentle, these guys and gals move through life in a manner that can hardly be considered direct. Mars is the planet of action and assertion, and Pisces is a passive sign that rarely asserts itself in a direct fashion. So the placement of Mars in Pisces is an unusual combination. Sometimes prone to feelings of guilt about their anger, and difficulties with asserting themselves, Mars in Pisces individuals seem to "go with the flow". This is certainly not a very active position for Mars, and natives will often let life "happen" instead of trying to control their life direction. This is a charming position, as individuals with Mars in Pisces don't appear like they are capable of harming a fly. However, those that don't find creative expression for this energy can stir up a storm through indirect aggression.

Mars in Pisces people are not averse to playing games to get what they want, although even they don't always know exactly what they do want! Their desires are changeable and moody, and it's hard to really know where these natives stand on any particular issue. Alternatively, some Mars in Pisces people do take a stand on issues that are Piscean in nature, making compassion and love their mission. Energy levels fluctuate a lot, coming in bursts of activity followed by inertia. Because it can be difficult to align this ebbing and flowing of energy in the day-to-day world as it is, finding a job that supports this may be tough. The happiest Mars in Pisces individuals are those that have a creative outlet that allow them to express their desires of the moment, their compassion--and even their anger--freely and imaginatively. An example of Mars in Pisces is Bono, lead singer of U2, who seems to have found the perfect outlet for his creativity through his music, and as a spokesperson for love and compassion. 

House V in Pisces

With lofty feelings, she is full of tenderness, sentimentality. Things do not always go her way. A meeting with a person who is either not free, too young or from a different family or social background means that living together will be done in the utmost secrecy while waiting for the chance to legalize the situation quietly, without any trouble. This state of affairs will make her melancholy. A lovely little family will result from this union.

I really hate when these things end up saying scarily accurate information. This pretty much explains me to a T, and this is the only time I will admit such. If you really want to understand where I'm coming from, what I'm about, why I am the way I am... It explains it all. All the quirky, kooky things I do make me the oh-so-loveable brat I am today. Why I fight for some things- and others I let go, because I must. Not because I want to- oh no. There are so many things I don't want to let go of... But I have to, because I have no other choice.

I'm still looking for my niche. I know I don't belong anywhere- I've known that for a long time. I go where the wind takes me, here and there... And places in between. I'm not like everyone else. I'm different- not in a freaky way, but just... Cut out to make my own paths and not follow ones that have already been made. I don't think I'm meant to settle down- my heart was given for the last time. I shall keep it to myself now, for fear that it will- yet again- be tossed aside as if unimportant, irrelevant. I don't like feeling vulnerable- although I am. I have a tough exterior that you all see. But I do hurt easily... And many times it's a comment that isn't even meant as said. Or it's inaction from someone- disappointment, because I expect friends to put just as much effort as I do into friendships. I know this has been severely lacking on my part lately due to me being hurt, and medicated. I need to remedy this- I know. Get back in touch with those people that I've not forgotten- but just not contacted because I've been so out of it.

Aside from everything else... I still love him deeply. I talk a tough game, and if I see him, most likely I'll be distant and almost cold. At the same time, my heart will break every time I see him, and that's something I will have to deal with. But never again will I entrust my heart to anyone but myself. He will never see this hurt he's caused- I won't allow it. As for my dreams... They've drastically changed. Each day, trying to work a little harder to get there. New options on the horizon, but now no time for a family of my own. I have my siblings, cousins. This will need to be enough. This is all that will be said on the matter.

Can't Touch, Disgusted

If I could just crawl into a hole, and hibernate for a few months, then come out completely healed... I would do it in a heartbeat. The travel we had this past weekend was rough- spending at least 13 hours total riding while we had family things to deal with. It was a surprise birthday party for my Dad's cousin, and it was pretty great to see relatives I haven't seen for a long time... And to be reintroduced to those whom I didn't remember- yes, it's been that long. All in all, it was wonderful to see everyone again. The food was great, the company was so much fun- and we need to do it more often.

On to the issues at hand, however, and where I go from here regarding my back injury. I had another appointment earlier this morning with my Doctor to discuss paperwork and where we go from here concerning my denied disability benefits. Needless to say- he was disgusted with what we discussed and had shown him. Instead of having Dr. C being the one they collected information from, they instead latched on to M as if he were the "be-all end-all" doctor in my bubble for a diagnosis. Countless times I had to tell the company handling my claim that M wasn't my doctor, was not treating me, and was simply a consultant to rule out any neurological problems. Well- he not only ruled it out... He made some comments that were completely off base, and others that were flat out lies- but which the claim handlers jumped on board that and said "See! Nothing is wrong!"......

Forgotten amongst all of this is the fact that M was only consulted with and seen for neurological purposes- problems that may stem inside this noggin of mine. There are none, which I'm happy to report. However- he offered many of his personal observations and opinions as fact- which doctors are not supposed to do. Based upon this bogus information, even though it's strictly against policy of the claims department for accepting opinions as fact, they did indeed deny my claim. They're banking on me giving up, getting so frustrated at the run around, get more information, need one more paper, gotta have this too- will make me throw up my hands, scream in frustration and say "I give up.". Well, folks.... I do not feel well. It's difficult for me to sit comfortably, walk well, sleep soundly, and look healthy. But I will not give up. It's not in me, the fabric of the person I've been made into, to simply give up. No.

I fight- for what I need, for what I want. There are few exceptions I simply drop it and walk away- but those are more complicated, and not part of this affliction. This back problem will not last forever. Giving up is not an option I recognize. So I will file the papers, I'll complete the appeal. I'll continue to get treatment from my Doctor C who knows this condition- and has no doubt that it's severe. He couldn't touch me today- the spasm is back so bad, I was tightening up involuntarily as he was trying to feel where my bones were. Of course, they out of place. But with the spasm still holding- he can't do much. He couldn't move me to get them back into place- so another shot in my bum, anti-inflammatory and steroid to bring down swelling, next week we'll try again. Meanwhile I'm back home, in my recliner, dopey because of the Valium, and uncomfortable because I can feel where my bones are out and it hurts. These dang ligaments need to heal.

Savella is the new medication I've been on for about 3 weeks. It's significantly helped me with the pain, better than the overdosed Neurontin thanks to M. I'm not as foggy and sluggish, though I'm still finding myself antisocial. My new goal over the next few days is to get back in touch with everyone I've not been talking to. According to Dr C, we're finally making progress- even though he couldn't fix me today. It's slow- and it's painful- but it's forward moving. He was disgusted by some of the comments of the report from M, and in order to get the claim re-evaluated for me, he's going to write a very detailed letter on my behalf. I'm also doing one of my own, of course with help from my parents because I'm not exactly Little Miss Understandable lately... I can type these mundane words out, since it's fairly simple... But to be detailed, pick apart a report, and ask questions that need to be answered with specifics... I'm not up to task to do that alone yet. My mind just is boggled trying to juggle what needs to get done. Together, it will be done though.

I feel bad for losing contact with so many people- but chronic, debilitating pain is no walk in the park. You may think it's fun to be able to sit home all day, with nothing to do but look out a window, poke around online, play with pets. It's boring. It's hermity. I thought for the longest time I just wanted to be left alone to my own devices- I don't need anyone but me. How wrong I was. I miss social interactions, but considering the fact that I still can't drive kind of puts a damper on things for me. I have to rely on other people either picking me up, or taking along one of my parents with me for a short jaunt. I'm not a fan of potholes or bumps in the road- it kinda hurts. So... My butt stays parked in the recliner, usually a blanket, a cup of tea and one of water, and this computer on my lap. I don't have all the time in the world to be calling people, talking. It just takes so much energy out of me- nevermind actually going out. It sucks. The worst part? I catnap on and off most of the day. Now this new medication keeps me a bit more lucid- but still... The other ones I'm on still make me sleepy. I forget things. More like... Everything. Unless I write it down, chances are I'll forget. So even if I do say "Hey, I need to call so-and-so later...", typically I'll fall asleep for a while, and wake up and do something else. By the time I go to bed, I remember that I forgot to call... And forget the next day too. It's awful. I need a sticky pad surgically attached to my arm or something. For now, I need to sign off and take a nap... The Valium really takes all the energy out of me I have. I'll be back later.

Oot and aboot

There's a family thing this weekend we're going to, and I'm attending since I still shouldn't be left alone. This means 4 hour car ride later this afternoon, well- pickup truck ride, and then sleeping in a bed that's not memory foam. Yes- my MF mattress so far has helped me eons. I love my bed. It's comfortable for me, like slipping into a cloud and sleeping. I know, I know, clouds are just fog masses way up in the atmosphere... But I'm talking metaphorically. I'll never ever go back to a regular mattress.

The picture project I've started will be on hold for a few days. I did take pictures the past few, and will take more this weekend for it. Depending on when we're getting back, I'll have resumed my daily posting of the pix. I'll combine them again into one blog post, so they're not all "inundated" in the news feed. I'm having trouble finding inspiration the past few weeks- I've had absolutely no motivation, interest, or artistic feeling lately. This isn't normal- since those of you that are around me often know that I've usually got a project or three going at the same time. Jewelry, photos, scrapbooking, etc. I just look at my stuff and think "No, not right now. Maybe later today." Then we get to later, and its "I'll just work on it tomorrow." When tomorrow comes, I do the same thing over. It's frustrating. I want to work on it in a way, but then again... I don't want to touch anything. I can't be bothered. I'm taking some things with me this weekend, since there's not much to do down in the other house... And I'll just be sitting around. Bringing a blanket I need to finish crocheting, and my jewelry box and goodies. I have to remember to bring the hammer because I've run out of headpins- but I have sterling wire I can fashion into ear wires.... The only problem is that beads need a "stopper" so they won't fly off the wire. Sooo, hammer flattens the end, and I go about happily beading. Actually, now that I'm talking about it... I want to work on my jewelry.

I still can't drive, so I go where I'm taken more or less. Since my parents made the emergency trip to pick me up, I haven't been behind any wheel since April 16th. I still hop in and take drives to get to Dr. appointments, or to go fill my prescriptions, but that's about it. Sometimes if my parents are running a quick errand, I'll go along for the ride... But I don't stay out long. I just don't have the energy- and speed bumps hurt. So do potholes. So at least the upside to the drive down south is that we'll be on the highway- and it's pretty flat. Won't have to deal with bumps of that sort. The medications I'm still on, even though the major one being chucked off my "diet", make me just loopy enough I don't trust myself to be able to react to traffic situations. I miss driving- but there will be plenty of time to do more of it later. Besides... I need to get out. Dr said so. I'm just nervous, I don't want to re-injure myself. I've been doing what I've been told- so I should be alright. This ligament injury thing is going to take a long time to heal- and we're not sure if it will do it on its own, or if my body needs help. Those are options to discuss in the near future. I'm being as optimistic as I can- so long as I don't fall down hard and land on my butt, I shouldn't be re-injuring things in there. I'm thinking positive.

The past couple days I've spent organizing my clothing. Why? Well, all the ones I was planning to either yard sale or donate (if they didn't sell) because they were wayyyy too small for me when I got home... Now fit me. I've lost, according to my scale, 45 lbs since coming home in April. I don't quite feel "skinny", and I know the number on the scale would classify me as "grossly obese"- but I don't follow numbers. It matters to me how I feel about my body, not the digits on the scale or on the tags of my clothes. My favorite pair of jeans which make me a sparklebutt (because of the rhinestones) constantly fall off my hips- so sadly, even though they're my favorite pair, I think I need to be rid of them. Actually- on second thought, not gonna happen. Maybe someday I'll need a few items that are bigger than my current size. I've already determined that I'm meant to be a curvy girl with some extra weight here and there. I'm not going to be petite like ballerinas- and thankfully so, because I kinda like having boobs and a butt. I don't want to look like a pre-pubescent boy thanks. Sure- I can't exactly wear the slinky clothes like some skinny gals do... But I could get away with some pretty sexy looks that they can't pull off either. Well- theoretically. I'm a jeans, t-shirt and barefoot kind of girl these days. Sweatpants, tank tops, and sweatshirts too. But occasionally I'll slip on a sundress or something a little dressier- just to remind myself that I'm still me. I can still dress up for myself. Besides, what girl doesn't immediately feel better after getting primped for no reason? I'm one of 'em. I am, however, going to come up with an exercize program soon. Once my back is healed enough so that I can get to doing some sort of strength training, it's my plan to strengthen my core so that I don't have these problems ever again. I've decided it's either yoga or pilates- perhaps both. I don't plan on packing the weight I've already lost back on- and I'm still going to lose more. I'm not quite where I want to be- but getting there. I've already made significant progress- so anything after that is sheer bonus. I guess in a way, it's my revenge body. HAHAHA... Have you heard that term used yet? Well yeah... This beautiful thing is mine. Look but can't touch. I like it.

I rambled today. It was meant to be just a quick blurb... But meh. Whatever. I like to talk sometimes, I know I rant... But I think it's because I don't get out much. And I haven't really seen many of my friends lately. I've definitely been anti-social. Thank you for those who understand this really isn't me- in time, though, I'll be back. Rip-roaring and ready to go... I have many adventures I want to tackle, and this back of mine isn't going to give me any problems once I get better. I'm determined it won't. So when I start rambling- it's just my way of venting. I don't exactly like being a hermit, having these strange medicated thoughts running through my head, and forgetting things that are important and remembering those that aren't. It's odd. I'm holding on to the fact that this will not last forever. I'll be back to my old self soon- and when that happens... I want to go exploring. I'm not going to sit around any more. I hate being confined, caged like a bird. My physical disability necessitates I be quiet, stay off my feet, be careful. I've been doing it for 6 months already. Enough is enough... When I'm finally able... I'm spreading my wings and taking off.

Those of you that want to come along on the adventures are more than welcome. I'll extend invites. I plan on taking lots of weekend trips.

Hollow Rabbit and Lies

It's like I'm stuck inside a shell. Like one of those chocolate rabbits you get for Easter... You take a bite and it crumbles into little shards below where your teeth bit into it. Some make it to your mouth, where intended... And little shards you try and catch with your hands as they fall. I don't feel like a chocolate rabbit. I feel like I'm empty.

I do mundane things.
I'm bored and not interested in many of my hobbies. I sit down, start to work, and quickly frustrated- it goes right back in the box or wherever I'm storing it. It sucks. I wish I had the creative energy I once did. In time- it will be back.

In a nutshell, the new medication my trusted and wonderful Dr. C put me on seems to be helping. Pain wise, I'm still having it, but not as pronounced. Today's a different story though- since it's raining... I woke up in knots, and just taking it as easy as I can. A day at a time.

I'm pretty upset, as I found out yesterday the "neurosurgeon" that I had consulted with, and only saw twice, wrote up a completely bogus report- which in turn has cost me my short term benefits. (don't worry, I plan to appeal this decision) It insinuates that I'm lying about my back problem, whining about an injury, mentally stable and coherent (even though I'm heavily medicated and sedated to battle the amount of pain I'm currently in), completely capable to carry out all my work duties (mind you, driving to work is a requirement.... I haven't been behind the wheel of my vehicle since April when my parents emergency-picked me up and whisked me home), walk around holding on to Mom and Dad for "emotional, not physical need", and that I have nothing wrong. Nothing wrong. Really? That's great in a way- because this doctor was a consultation only, another opinion to rule out any neurological problems I may have. So if it's not neurological, that's the good news... And I no longer need to consult with him. However- the company took his one "sound byte" of "nothing wrong" as the basis to deny my claim- even though this "doctor" was not the one treating me long term. Despite all the other numerous, documented and supporting evidence from my Dr. C that there is a severe problem with my back, and  the delayed diagnosis was tough because he literally couldn't touch me. Oh, did I also mention that M lied and said I "refused treatment"? Oh yes he did. He wanted an MRI of my head, and it couldn't be done because of my braces. He sat with me, face to face, and  asked how soon they were supposed to come off. I said about a year, and I would prefer to not remove them because it's painful, and also close to 1k to do. I candidly explained I don't have that kind of money sitting around, waiting for me to spend, and I'm also unable to work because of the medication, and needed to come home for proper care. He sat there, pondered for a moment, then said it was ok- there are other avenues we can take. However, in his report it was recorded that I denied his treatment and refused to do what he asked, so a diagnosis wasn't available. Seriously?!

Nothing wrong at all though? That's funny... Because my regular Dr. C is strongly disagreeing about that. I've since fired M's ass from treating me. I want nothing further to do with him, his office, or any associates of his. Among more lies, apparently I'm able to swim efficiently and without problems. Let me state for the record- I've been to the river a grand total of 2 times this summer. One, I waded into the water up to my waist, and lo and behold my leg once again gave out while I was standing there. However, since I was in water, I tipped over, floated and was able to regain my footing using my left foot- since I couldn't feel my right. I stayed there until I had feeling returned, and then went back to shore and dried off. The other time involved me floating in a raft for a short distance, pulled by my sister most of the time, and I was seated the entire time other than to get in and out of it. Now how did this doctor come to his conclusion that I was able to swim with wonderful mobility?? He saw the rash I had on my hands- asked about it. I said it was probably from a dead tree I accidentally touched when I fell while in the river for the first time- it was an allergic reaction I had to whatever slimy grossness was growing on said tree, and after about 3 days, it was gone.  I said nothing of swimming. This "doctor" is amazing folks- he deduced that because I waddled out into the water and touched a tree- I'm ready for the Olympic swim team this year. "diagnosis". In fact, M gave me no real diagnosis at all. He medicated me. Content to keep me on a high and dangerous dose of epileptic medication- keep in mind I do not have any problems with seizures. Never have. So

The dirty truth. Any distance further than the kitchen or bathroom, I take my cane. Yes folks- I have a cane. I finally broke down and bought one because my falling episodes were still quite frequent. I balked at the idea, refused, then finally decided it was safer for me to have assistance walking since a) Dad, Mom and my little sister wouldn't be able to walk me everywhere, b) not using a sword cane because it can't be brought into the hospital (even that one I didn't want to use), c) found that having it to lean on helps me move a little faster, and d) catches me if my leg gives out and I start to fall. I'm able to recover by shifting my weight to my left foot, and using the cane to keep me upright until I regain feeling. I don't fall all the way down and re-injure myself. I've caught myself in places where if I had fallen completely to the ground, there would have been a good chance my head would have hit something- and folks, I really don't want a concussion or any other head injury. I sucked up my pride, and I walk with a cane. I hate having anything that could give away the fact that I have chronic asthma... Now all of a sudden it's "hip" and "cool" to be walking around with assistance- so I bought it for fun?! Get real. It's needed. The walker, however, I vowed to destroy before venturing into public with that blasted thing. Cane was the compromise. Now when I'm old and decrepit, and need assistance walking around... Then, and only then, will I take up the walker. And I want a blinged-out basket on the front to store things in... Like Fig Newtons, cell phone, tissues, and hand sanitizer. Maybe even a cookie or two, but always in there will be a bar of chocolate. No ifs, ands or buts about it.

I'm patiently waiting. I'm playing by the rules, doing everything I can in order to fix myself up and be ok again. I'm quickly coming up on 6 months of being in this pain. I just want it gone. I want the spasm gone. I don't want to need these medications, the cane, being around someone 24/7 in case I fall. (which I'll happily report since being on the new medication, is happening less frequently now... though yesterday morning I fell coming down our stairs- I was on the last few and managed to pitch backwards and catch myself on my hands. yes, it hurt) I've submitted the paperwork, gone to the Dr's, and a total quack, and finally when the light at the end of the tunnel nears- I get slapped with this shock. It remains the same... A day at a time, and I'll get there. Keep on moving- I'll get there. I just need to remind myself sometimes. Well, ok, often. But I'm not alone. I have all of you- my family, my friends.


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