Specialist, and Fire Pit

And hopefully, most can come along Monday when I see the specialist I've been referred to. The appointment was supposed to be in three weeks, but they had a cancellation. So you bet I said yes I'll come in on Monday.

I'm going to try and not sound so down and depressing when I write- but I can't lie to you and tell you it's not easy. It isn't. The medications I've been put on make it hard to concentrate on anything, and as far as motivation- well you can say that's kind of not a word in my recent vocabulary. I'm drowsy, lethargic, and yes... Lazy. But I'm doing what my doctor told me- and that's to stay as quiet as possible. I do have to get up and move so that I don't totally atrophy or anything, which would be bad... But basically, my days are the same in and out. I'm trying not to be so... Sad. It's difficult. I can't even make myself a decent meal because I can't stand on my feet for that long... But microwaveable, that's doable. Ready to eat- even better. Have it served to me? Heaven.... And preferred, ha hahaha.

Aside from the leather recliner that I've been parked in, or my awesome memory foam bed, I've picked out a comfy recliner chair from our backyard for dusk. One of those unfolding doohickeys, I was surprised to actually be comfortable in it. What a wonder. I take a walk out back, one of family lights the fire pit, and I soak my clothes with bug spray and sit back.

It gets me fresh air. It gets me a little mobile, around a bit- other than going to the grocery store to get prescriptions.... Or to try and stay comfortable during a car ride to an appointment. I've had at least a dozen already, and I've been back here for 10 weeks. About once a week I've seen my doctor. Speed bumps kind of hurt. Potholes are worse. I sit and stare at my little fire. The sounds of the night- crickets sometimes, just as dusk... The pesky hum of the skeeters... The wind through the leaves of the trees we have. Pine cones tossed in as kindling, and hearing the snapping of the pitch as the fire burns it. The smell of the burning pine, wood, it smells so good. Then tipping my head back, as dusk fades into darkness and the sky lights up with stars. Like little white fairy lights poked through black velvet. It's nearly a full moon, and it lights up the woods with a silver gleam. It's pretty. It's these little things I never noticed before when sitting around the fire with my family. I know it's the medications that make me notice- and it's that which also makes me forget.

Tonight will be another fire night... So I'll wait until dusk, my sister and I will have dinner... Then go out and sit in front of the fire together. It doesn't matter if we joke, it doesn't matter if anything at all is said... Life is to spend time with those you love. And it doesn't matter if you have lots to talk about, or nothing at all. What matters is that you spend time together.

Still Unanswered Questions

No makeup. Pure, unedited pain. These are now my eyes.

Still marbled, and a touch of violet. But unable to really focus.

They go from blue, to gray to green. Depends on how much pain.

The violet always stays though. Little purple ring around my pupil.

I cry a lot. Without good reason. Or maybe it's for one, I'm not sure.

All I know for sure, I don't recognize me anymore.

I've more new medicines to take. It's incredible... With what I've already been medicated with- I should be doing backflips and theatrics for Barnum & Bailey's Circus. Or Cirque de Solelil. Either one. The fact of the matter is... I should be ok. I should be walking without problems, without a cane, without having to lean on my Dad or my sister or brother. I hate this.

I hate being with myself. I hate not being able to think clearly. I hate not being in control of ME anymore.

I know, in time, I'll be fixed.... But it's taking so long for things to get lined up and in order. Two months already, more than actually, and I'm still waiting. We can't figure out what's wrong. Why can't things just fall in to place as you do them? Does life really have to be so hard? I feel like I'm nearly to the end of the mythical rope... I know I'm really not, but it feels that way. It's just... I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired and medicated. It's the only way I have to control the pain, the spasms... But it's not improving. Rather, it has... Just slightly. All the medications, all the shots should have helped. Should have. I want to why they haven't.

I'm seeing a new doctor hopefully within the next week- and maybe he'll be able to tell me whether or not he can fix me. He's an Osteopath and Neurosurgeon. Don't get me wrong- my own doctor is wonderful. The man has magic hands- and typically he can have me fixed up in no time. I don't know what's different this one. We know what the end result is- torn ligaments, torn muscles, pinched and severely inflamed nerves. But the why is still elusive. Why I'm in so much pain. Why I'm not getting any better. Why all this resting in this blasted recliner day in and day out isn't helping me get better. Why none of this is helping even remotely.

It's like... I don't have any say in my body anymore. It does what it wants, when it wants. I haven't driven my own truck since April 16th. I haven't gone out with any of my friends. I really can't.... Though I'd like to. I want to be able to sit and chat and catch up with some folks. But I can't even stand to listen to the own thoughts that are bumbled, jumbled and an absolute mess inside my own head. Besides, when I DO start to talk, most of the time, I don't realize I mumble.

Literally, I mumble and slur. Thanks medications. I'm trying to hold a coherent thought- and most of the time I lose it. Especially if someone says anything- a sound, a dog bark, computer noise. Boom. Gone. Thoughtless and dying of loneliness. New ideas spring up, and just as quickly they're gone. I'm used to being able to thought process through things- I'm a good problem solver. Right now, I couldn't even find my way out of a paper bag. Even with a drawn map. And flashing lights clearly pointing the way. Roadmapped for me.... I don't have a chance in hell finding my way out.

I hurt. All the time. I do not tell you this to make you feel sorry for me. I tell you this to explain why I haven't been really talking to anyone. I've been so frustrated with myself, I don't want anyone else to see me so... Weak. So helpless. Out of control. Not myself. That's what I'm scared of.... If you don't see me as you're used to- you'll run. And not to anyone specifically... Just in general.

I know typically I'm the joker, I'm the laid back easygoing body. Now... I'm a lump on a log. Most days I don't want to bother with my makeup. I throw on clothes that fit that aren't hard to get into. I've lost nearly 30 lbs because of the medications- they make my appetite next to nothing. I've gone from a size 18 when I came home 8 weeks ago, to a 14 bordering on 12 now. I'm cold almost all the time. It's the weight loss thing, unless I'm moving around (which isn't happening much) or I'm sitting out in the sun. Heh, the medications also advise me not to do that. I think. I saw it on one of the labels somewhere, but I can't find the bottle. Not sure if I'm still taking it. I don't want to dig through my bag to try and read and find it.

I miss working. I miss being on the phones, talking to people. The interactions. I miss all the aspects of what I used to be. What I will be again sometime... I hope. I know I'll get back there again- it's just.... I need it to be soon.

The Waiting Game... Sucks.

And so it's still determined that nothing is abnormally wrong with my bloodwork. This is so entirely frustrating and absolutely baffling. The thyroid issue is under control, and I'll have that checked again in about 5 months. But there's still no explanation as to why I'm still locked up in such a severe spasm in my lower back.

I've more new medicines to take. It's incredible... With what I've already been medicated with- I should be doing backflips and acrobatics for Barnum & Bailey's Circus. Unfortunately- I'm still stuck at the "stay off your feet unless it's absolutely necessary" part. Not quite where I had hoped to be by now....

Tears. Not as in crying, but as in torn. Both the ligament and muscles in my back are torn- and this is most likely from my car accident and falling down the stairs in 2007. My doctor doesn't think I've ever healed properly from it- and this resulting spasm is happening because I wasn't treated the correct way when it first started to flare up. It's already been a month since I've been home, and I'm just barely starting to have it relieve. I'm part of the mistake, considering I have a high tolerance for pain and I wait until I'm past where I should be to see a Dr. So, bad on my part, but I'm religiously seeing him now. I'm getting a little relief- and I'm noticing I'm moving around a little better. But that's not good enough for me... I should be moving around a lot better than this. And it's frustrating.

I have a cane. I have a walker. I didn't think at 29 I'd have either. The good news is that I don't need to use them forever. This injury is fixable. It's just a matter of figuring out what medications will be the magic combination to do the trick. Out of the bagful I've collected, I've now been knocked down to just a few. All of them together was starting to give me bad heartburn, which of course is no fun- and really worrisome since they're so harsh on my tummy. I don't want to end up with ulcers... So a pain medication, a skeletal relaxant, a heartburn reliever, and an anti-inflammatory is what I'm now on. The pain med/relaxant combination isn't what I was hoping to take- but... It's medication that helps. I'll also be losing more weight, since the two together make me have almost no appetite and just the smell of food makes me sick. Since I've been home, I've already dropped 20 lbs. It's sure not because I'm exercising- lol. So more will go- and I hope we can get this tamed so I can get back on my feet and back to work.

This combination of medications is a trial- meaning the anti-inflammatory and heartburn ones are on the table to see if they help. I hope so. Sheesh. Anything that says "May cause dizziness" knocks me the hell out. I'm like a zombie. I just don't eat brains. Or humans. Or really anything at all. And I'm totally and completely rambling again. Another MRI may be in store for the other condition mentioned, but it's a remote chance I have said problem. I don't even consider it something I'd even have- as other symptoms haven't presented. So therefore, I believe I don't have it. It's a case of inflammation cutting off nerve responses- and me falling down because of it. These new meds should help.

On a weird note- celebrating Memorial Day yesterday we had gone to parades in various towns around up here. Me- I pretty much just sat in the car and watched the Legion and Band Members march past, and listen to the services being given. The weird part was that apparently there are really bad wildfires up in Canada that are raging- and the winds shifted just enough that it blew the smoke down here. Yeah- I'm totally not even kidding at all. My lungs aren't too happy with me- with the asthma and all, but it was weird being outside and smelling campfire everywhere we drove. I mean, I can sit in front of a campfire- no problem. But this was like a haze that blanketed everything- we couldn't see nearby mountains or some cliffs- never mind Mt. Washington from the Vista! That's how bad it was! But yeah... My lungs aren't too happy- so in addition to Dory, you can call me Wheezy too.

Oh, and I got more succulents. I'm going to plant them in a bonsai pot that I have, so I'll have a pretty little succulent garden to look at. Since I can't garden outside like I want to, the best I can do is sit at the table inside and do it. Hah. We'll see... I've been procrastinating planting them all week.

Total Restriction and it's Driving Me Nuts

So I saw my doctor yesterday.

There isn't much to report unfortunately. This is so frustrating.

All these medications, all this time staying so quiet, trying to heal my body from whatever is wrong with it this time... And progress going so slow it's almost as if I'm going in reverse. At least I'm not being told it's all in my head, I'm making it up, or give up because there isn't anything to do. I have a walker and a cane now I'm supposed to use. It's so embarrassing. And that's only if I have to go out- since as of yesterday my doctor has put me on complete restriction. I can go up and down the stairs twice a day- once to come down in the morning, once to go to bed at night. The only time I can get up and walk around is if I need to stretch, or if I need to go the bathroom. Otherwise- I'm stuck in this blasted recliner. I can't believe I have a walker. 29 years old, I'm not supposed to be in this kind of condition. I should be out, running around, going places and doing things. Instead, I'm in a comfortable and manageable pain level at the moment and limited as to what I can do.

We also did yet another blood test yesterday. Doc tried to move me in such a way to release some of the spasm when I saw him, and instead of relieving the pain, it shot me right back up to a 10 and I nearly screamed. I cried. It hurt so badly I couldn't even talk- and I swear- my doctor almost started crying as well. He felt awful, because what he was trying to do was supposed to help me, to release the spasm that I'm still completely locked in. He's not sure why I'm still so bound up- especially with the course of medications he's had me on for the past 5 weeks which should have knocked this out nearly completely. There's something underlying, and there's a condition that's been mentioned which I won't discuss at this time. I'm hoping the blood test that they're doing will end up confirming I don't have what he mentioned. I don't have any of the other symptoms that typically present themselves- but the falling down is a concern. The tests being run will hopefully identify something we haven't seen so far. I just hope it's something we can identify quickly, and get addressed and under control.

I thought things would be different.
I just want to cry nearly all the time. Things are so overwhelming, and yet so boring- but compiled it's just.... A lot to deal with. I didn't think I'd be walking this path alone- but unless I'm reading an avoidance completely wrong- it's exactly how I'm going to have to deal with all of this.
I'm just... Feeling so lost right now. In a puddle of quicksand, that I'm sinking into even though I'm trying to stay afloat. I have my parents and sister as my wonderful support group here at home, but there's someone else I thought would be around too. I know the light is at the end of the tunnel, but it seems like I can't get there... Well, I said that wrong. I will get there, it's just taking forever to get to it. I just hope that light doesn't fade, or move further away. I miss his voice. I miss his laugh. I haven't been able to talk to him- and it's killing me inside. When we're together- I feel like everything falls right in to place- naturally. When he's not here, I feel like I'm missing part of me. I'm so sick and tired of having to hold everything together, in, and get things done that all I want to do is break down and cry for a while.

I think I'll go to bed now, cry myself to sleep again tonight.

Nearly a month

Since I've been home.
I've got few answers- but it's better than what the doctors down in VA told me to do- aka "give up" and "it's all in your head".

Needless to say, my real Doctor up here couldn't believe the spasm I'm wracked with, the amount of pain I've been able to withstand, and how I managed to get along day by day for nearly two months just by taking excedrin. I told him sheer will. Stubbornness. Knowing that I can and will be fixed- somehow. I'm not a quitter, I'm a fighter. And I'll fight this till the end.

The update so far is this:

I'm still falling. Had a pretty bad one yesterday, landed on concrete, but got home and took care of it. I'm still not getting along really well- but it will come with time. My doctor basically has me on totally restricted movement- bed, recliner, and getting up and moving around to get the muscles moving- but nothing strenuous. No picking anything up. Limited bending. That sort of thing.

Last week I had two nerve blocks done- which hurt like hell. The pinch of the needle, and when it hit the nerve hurt like you wouldn't believe- but when the medicine went in.... On a scale of 1-10, and me being a near constant 9/10.... Brought me right down to a 7. Few minutes later, 6. Few minutes later 5. I've been hovering the past week between a manageable 3-4. That I can deal with. The medications he has me on makes me loopy- but thank goodness for lidocane patches. Those help pain like you wouldn't believe. It's just nice to have the excruciating pain from my lower back and hip radiating down into my bum just sort of dull now. The only part still aggravating is the fact that I am still falling. That, and the pins and needles and sometimes numbness I get in my right leg.

I'm sick of this recliner.
Used to love it- but it's where I park my ass now when I'm not in bed, or at the kitchen table eating. This injury will heal- it's just going to take time- and me not being impatient. I'll even be back to normal if I don't push things too hard, too quickly. I think Dad would be angry if I burned this stupid goddamn thing. lol

I know I've been hermity.
I've been a flat out bitch.
I haven't meant to be... It's just... I really don't have good excuse.
I'm in a lot of pain. I'm medicated. Instead of wanting to see people, I don't want to. I know I shouldn't be avoiding- but I can't help it. It's just... All I do is sit around. It's sad. I miss my friends. But I just am antisocial lately. I apologize.

I work when I can (and stupid me, I effed that up and have to get it fixed tomorrow), otherwise I'm just like Dory. I've got goldfish syndrome. I forget everything. Seriously. If I don't write things down that I have to do, I totally forget what it is that needs to get done. It sucks. BIG TIME. I can even be mid-thought, or sentence with you, hear a sound and bam.... I totally lose the entire track of what I was on. You wanna talk about a train wreck- well, there it is folks! I spent most of today thinking it was Monday if that gives you any clue.

I'm trying to figure out other things too, with just life in general, and I don't know what road I'm supposed to take now. It's not so clear- when just weeks ago it had seemed so simple. I just want to sit on the dock, my feet dangling, him sitting behind me with his legs around me and in the water, arms hugging me, my head leaned back on his shoulder, and listen to the sounds of the lake and the woods.

I can't even do that, because I have no way to get there. It's too far away, and I can't drive yet.

Feeling....

Left in place.
Outside looking in.

Sitting on my ass is really starting to get to me. It's starting to get me antsy- and I want to be up and moving around when I can't.
There are things that have happened recently that have me a little down and under the weather. It's stupid really, mostly. There were goals I had hoped to have achieved by now- but in what, I'm not quite sure. And that totally doesn't make sense. Maybe someday it will.

I'm a bridesmaid this year. I'm a guest at another friend's surprise wedding.
I'm sure my middle sister will be engaged soon. My youngest sister is graduating high school in a few weeks. I remember being her age... Being excited. My brother's out in Vegas- doing really well.

Me?
I'm stuck at a sitstill.
I say it that way- because I can't move. Well, limited... And yes, since coming back to see my doctor- I've been able to get some relief from the pain I've been in and we're thisclose to a diagnosis and a fix. Which I'm excited about.

So why am I down.
It's because... I can't be up and going. It's difficult to stay positive. It's hard to put a smile on my face when all I want to do is close my eyes, and disappear until I feel better. A little green jealousy bug has bitten me- and I know it's totally unfair and not anyone's fault but my own for feeling this way... But it's part of the reason I've been so hermity.
Spillage of the guts time, which I'm not good at and I expect people to not like to want to read or even understand any of this. Added to that, I'm medicated so what I say probably won't make much sense anyways.

When asked as a kid what I wanted to be- I first said a ballerina.
Why? I'd get to wear pretty tutu's, ballet slippers and dance around.
Asked years later- and I could only think of one thing I really, really wanted.
To be a good mother.

I mean, lets face it. I tried college. I didn't cut it. I partied too hard, got too into the social aspect of it and well- just didn't do well. There were certain classes that entertained and challenged me, which I did well with... But did I ever honestly tell anyone that I didn't actually see myself ever getting a degree?
No.
But I just did. Sure- I could have done the English thing- since it came so easy to me. But that's a lot of reading (not making excuses, it's just my work was too detailed according to my professors and they didn't like it- what a surprise). The assignments I'd turn in wouldn't be the required length of bullshit filler they needed it to be in order to be considered a "project". Why? I pull out the facts. I write down the important stuff. I don't add fluff, pomp, and blow smoke up your ass just to make a paper 10 pages instead of the 6 I have all the information already detailed and listed in. I don't know how to write fluff. Not when it comes to factual basis articles. Creative writing- yeah right. Blogging is about the extent of that creativity.

Could I have transferred to Art? Sure! But seriously... There's a reason people are called starving artists and I didn't want to be yet another paint smeared, frustrated student working on projects all hours of the night and finally getting frustrated with how my project wasn't cooperating and most likely saying fuck it... And tossing a paint can on it and ruining the entire thing. No patience in that arena. None.
Jewelry school? I've been toying with the idea.
I've been getting better with the materials I'm using, creating, and sometimes selling. My problem is getting people to buy. I'm not coming down on my prices- because it's my time and effort that goes into these pieces I create and I'll be damned if I let them go for cheap. I charge what my items are worth- not a penny more. And not exorbitant. But I'll tell you... This economy sucks. The way I make sales? Markdowns. Promos. I lose money- but gain repeat customers. That's what's important- and that's what I keep telling myself. I need a better marketing scheme. And honestly- I don't think I can make a living just selling my jewelry unless I get a fucking miracle that falls out of the sky. Riiight. Let me wait on that one for a while... Not.

What's my downfall?
Being supportive of all those around me. Which sometimes I let lapse- since I try to take care of everyone other than myself. Why? It's easier to fix problems that belong elsewhere than try to face my own demons. They're personal- they know the ins and outs and what I don't want to face- and that's the difficult part that I've been learning to take head on and defeat on my own.

I totally didn't see myself right here, this moment, right now- with what I have. But I have determination that I'm not staying down for long- no way, this isn't forever. It's not going to stay this way forever. Things very soon will look up- even if I have to drag myself up to do it.
My sadness comes from deeper within. I'm lonely. I thought I'd be married by now- but that's my own damn fault. I run. I shouldn't have- years ago, I never should have. And I promised him this time I won't. The only way I'm leaving is if he tells me to go. It's just... It doesn't quite feel real yet- even being back yet, seeing him... It's almost like he thinks I'm going to up and disappear in to thin air. I'm not.

My definition of success in all this, in life, is to be a good mother. I want the babies to raise, I want the man I love to walk that road with me, I want to do it as a partnership as it should be done... I know it's not going to be easy- but it's something I've wanted for years. Kind of hard to do that when I've got running shoes on and already picked a direction of exit which has the least amount of resistance and obstacles- which I'm done with. The shoes are off, retired, threw them in the garbage and now I'm not going anywhere. I want him to tell me I'm his. I want him to tell his friends, family, that I'm his again. Past feelings aside- it's our business what we do. And that's all I'm saying on the personal subjects.

Call me crazy, but I want to be out in the dirt digging and planting flowers. I don't want to be in an apartment forever. I want to be pruning hedges or bushes or whatever, and watering the grass in a yard I can walk around in. Chasing squirrels out of my yard. Growing strawberries, mint, basil and tomatoes. I want a beautiful garden filled with flowers that will bloom all spring and summer, with a little pond. Maybe some fish too. I want a little firepit I can sit around at night and warm my feet by, curled up next to him and just listening to the sounds of the water, sounds of the night. Going to sleep in his arms every night, and waking each morning that way. Telling him I can't wait to see him later... Him giving me that million dollar smile... And knowing we'll both be counting the minutes till we meet up to do whatever- movie, dinner, hiking, surprise... To just simply love him.

Yes, yes yes. I'm getting that freaking nesting feeling for some stupid reason and I want a place of my own I can clean, organize and call my own. Well, our own. I want to make dinner some nights, and have it made for me others. I want to take random road trips and not have a destination planned- just a tent in the back of the truck and a few sleeping bags and an air mattress (of course, so I don't wreck my back). Go do random crazy things just because we can... And we're kooky. We're always good at being kooky.

The happiness that my friends have... So many of them... I want some of it.
I think I have some of it... Actually, I know I have some of it. But maybe I'm looking too hard, or not enough. Or maybe just not communicating it the right way. Maybe it's just too buried under all this worry and concern. I want little bebes. At this rate, it seems like there are no kids in the future- and it breaks my heart. I just want to cry about it. Every time I turn around, it's someone else I know that's adding another little person to their beautiful little family- and don't get me wrong PLEASE- I'm SO happy for you all! Really I am! It's wonderful news and I'm thrilled for you all!

But a little piece in me hurts, a small one, because it's not me with that news.
It's just me, standing in the corner, with the smile on my face and congratulating you.
Then once that's passed, I go to the hallway and let the tears fall.
This is why I haven't been talking. This is why I haven't been answering calls. This is why I've been generally avoiding everyone- because I didn't want to fall apart at the seams. A lot of it is the medication talking- which makes me blabber- big news there.
But... Fuck it. It's written now.

Still not many answers

As far as diagnosing my back.
Don't get me wrong- my doctor up here is awesome and has helped a lot lately- considering the lack of "help" I received down in VA. It's just frustrating spending day in and day out pretty much between my bed and a recliner- occasionally getting up to take a car ride to an appointment, pick up meds, or just to get out of the house and move around a little bit. It sucks. I hate being limited like this.

This time frame? Three weeks so far of just this staying quiet. The spasm started back in the beginning of March- so in actuality, it's been months.
Three weeks of trying medications, some of which work, others which help a little, and others that should have helped that haven't really done much good. That one baffled my Doctor. The good news is that I will heal- this isn't a permanent injury. But what it will need is time, and careful attention.
As far a what caused this: a traumatic injury.
Right off the bat I named it off- March 24, 2007, car accident. Then later that year, right after Christmas, falling down the stairs at home and bouncing down on the same part of my back. I'd call that trauma, right? Doctor agreed. Since then, spasms from time to time, but always manageable. And they always went away after a while.

Most of you know... I have my lazy days, of course.... But I'm a go-getter. I like having things done. Prepared, worked out, in order, organized, done. Perpetually in motion. Now- I'm literally at a standstill and can't do much of anything. It's enough to drive anyone mad. Like I say though- it could always be worse. The funny thing is- had the doctors I'd had down in VA listened to me, and given me the medication I had asked for to help- this never would have pushed itself to the severity it has right now. I could have been on the pain relievers, muscle relaxants, taken a week easy- and bam... Been better. I guess there's just too many people going in to offices, faking injuries, and abusing the medications when prescribed. Which sucks for me- considering the people that do legitimately need the medications can't get them.

As a quick run-down- because I for the life of me can't remember who I've now told or haven't, and my heads all foggy and befuddled- the quick version of the diagnosis so far.

I have some pretty good sized bone spurs on my vertebrae discs, which means there's calcification build up and they're sharp. This is abnormal- since when an injury happens, your body is supposed to deposit cartilage to to the spot that's injured- not calcium. This is typical when it comes to arthritis, especially in your back. When an injury acts up, or you hurt the area where the degeneration is- inflammation ensues- and unless you catch it early and get on anti-inflammatory meds- it'll progressively get worse. Not crippling- but pain and irritation wise, it'll become quite unbearable quickly. (That was stage one for me). These spurs eventually will need to be removed, and here's the good news- aside from my lower lumbar spine where I'm having all these problems- the rest of my back is in perfect condition! The discs in my upper back are all healthy, the bones are cube shaped normal, and alignment is normal.

Abnormal is the bottom part. So now that we've determined that I'm inflamed, this irritates the different layers of muscle that are in your back. There's more than one- and typically, when someone has a bad spasm- it's one layer at work kind of twisting you about and hurting. Well- because I didn't get the help that was needed when I first started having this problem, the deeper layers of my back muscles also became inflamed, irritated, and they too started to spasm. The problem here? They all go in different directions. Yes, that's right. I have muscles pulling this way and that in such a bad torque that it's literally twisting my vertebrae in opposite directions of where they should go.

This severe spasming that's going on, along with the inflammation of the muscles and material down there is pinching the nerve bundle that sits right along your hip. This is where most of your nerves are located in your lower body- especially the sciatica. Since this injury is presenting itself the way it is, what my Dr. thinks is happening is I'm in such a severe and locked up spasm, severely swollen and inflammed, and unable to really get it to release- this is causing the problem of me falling down. All the swelling is somehow getting to the nerves and when they get pinched, all signals are turned off. It's like blowing the fuse box- everything shuts off- and down I go. I know it's not my fault... And I know I shouldn't be embarrassed when falling down happens... But I am. It's like, time stops and everyone looks at me.

Today it was at the grocery store. Frozen isle section. First time I've ventured out of the house since my Dr. appt on Wednesday. Walking with the cart, leaning on it thank goodness- and step, step, step, fall... If I hadn't been holding on to the cart handle like I had been- I'd have smashed my mouth to hell. My Dad had his back turned for just a minute, and it happened... And this poor guy that watched me fall was befuddled. He was trying to help me up, asking if I was ok... All I could do was say "Yes, I'm ok, thank you." and tried to get up. It took me nearly a minute- I couldn't move. It's so embarrassing. I know it shouldn't be. Then three other people in the isle came over and asked if they could help... And I nearly started crying... I surprised me because I didn't think people cared anymore. Hah. Most of the the time they just walk by you, pretending they didn't see anything so that they wouldn't have to get involved. It was a nice surprise to see that some random strangers still give a shit about people that obviously have something wrong.

As for now... It's staying quiet. Very quiet. Most of my time is spent sleeping because of the meds, working on some jewelry projects when my hands aren't shaking so badly I can't work. I've been trying to focus on work work (since they've been kind enough to let me work from home) but with these new medications, I just can't focus. I mean... I can read... But I can't process, if that makes any sense. I can see what the problem is- I can identify it- but when I go to type it out... I lose it. Poof, gone. It's absolutely awful.

I don't like being scatterbrained. I don't like not being able to focus or concentrate. I don't like being a hermit- which is pretty much what I've been doing too. It's not that I don't want to see my friends... It's just... I want to curl up in my pj's, under my blanket, either in bed or recliner, and watch the back of my eyelids. I simply have no energy. In about 5 minutes I probably won't remember even writing this blog- how sad is that.

I do need to get my butt moving and sell some jewelry.
I was able to find some pretty glass beads, so hopefully more will be on the way. We'll see. I just don't know yet. Anyone wanna donate to "Amanda's Back Fund"? LOL.