Day 42 - Candy Corn Eyes

Day 42 - Candy Corn Eyes, originally uploaded by The Snarky Princess.

I was absolutely, unequivocally, without a doubt self loathing and miserable today. Right back to the red lipstick, AGAIN, to bring my mood up.

It's like a swipe of the color fixes a lot of things. It then inspired me to finish my face- and I came up with a new eye look inspired by fall. Candy Corn inspired eyes. The heavy black shadow really makes the colors pop- for an unusual look. Harsh, bright colors brought my mood up instantly.

My father didn't like it.

I just smiled.

Day 41 - Bite the Rose

Day 41 - Bite the Rose, originally uploaded by The Snarky Princess.

I needed to feel better.
No motivation- yet again. So I broke out the red lipstick, since I can't wear my high heels. I think it worked quite nicely.

A black rose to compliment my mood was perfect.

Day 40 - I Hide

Day 40 - I Hide, originally uploaded by The Snarky Princess.

I paint a good face, don't I.

I even managed to get my hair pretty today. It's time for a new dye job. You can see my blonde roots.

O.<


I look nearly normal. I'm a good artist, I suppose. I'm so tired. I'm very frustrated. But I'm never giving up.

Day 39 - Shoulder

Day 39 - Shoulder, originally uploaded by The Snarky Princess.

To me, this is one of my favorite spots on my body. The curve where my neck and shoulder meet.

Lazy kisses there tingle and tickle a bit.
This place here, and the curve between my ribs and hip are my favorites.

Blurred, because it's softer... More feminine when out of focus. So easily broken- touch hurts and it's awful. I don't like being touched if I don't know who you are, or if you reach out and grab me before I see you. Sensory issues.

This place... I love this place. It's one of the places that it doesn't hurt when fingertips touch me.

Day 38 - The Revenge Body

Day 38 - The Revenge Body, originally uploaded by The Snarky Princess.

Apologies for not keeping up on this the past few weeks. Today I resume. I miss the photos.

He dumped me.

Months ago.

So far, I've lost almost 50 lbs.

It's the medications for keeping my back pain under control. It's been a rough road. I'm finally on medication that doesn't make me high out of my mind. It's nice to have most of my thoughts back- though, motivation I'm still having a tough time with.

The pain eases a little each day- but some days it comes back full force. I'm trying to stay optimistic.

I suppose it's time to be very shallow and a little bitchy.

Meet my revenge body.

It's no longer his to enjoy!

Boy, that makes me gloat.

Day 37 - Still Kicking

Day 37 - Still Kicking, originally uploaded by The Snarky Princess.

A number of flaws I allowed myself today.

Bags under my eyes aren't concealed.
You see my true blonde hair revealed to the side of my face... I guess it's time to dye again, red of course.
My skin is red. I'm not hot, nor cold, it's just taking on it's own tone right now... Strange.
I took out the cat scratches I'm sporting.

It's ok to be me.
It's ok to get angry, frustrated.
It's ok to not want to get up, get going.
It's ok to want to be unmotivated.
It's ok to sit in my chair.
After all, it's what the Dr. ordered.
It's ok for me to fight for what I need.
And I've no intention of letting THIS go.
A new issue- and they're betting I'll drop it.
They obviously haven't figured out how tenacious and bitchy I am.
I don't give up.
That's not ok.
I won't walk away.
That's not ok.
I won't turn my back.
That's not ok.
I'll fight until I get what I have earned.

Days 30-36 Since I didn't publish them.

Day 30 - Hello Sunshine

Not really in the mood... And I've been severely lacking in the motivation department of life.

At least I have vibrant red hair.

Day 31 - Meet My Cane

Yes, that's right.
I know walk with a stupid, colorful cane. I have to. Otherwise, if my leg gives out- I fall down... And quite frankly, it HURTS.


In order to avoid falling, I stay off my feet most of the time. When I do have to be up, and I'm not just walking to the kitchen or bathroom... I have this tagalong with me.


It never ceases to amaze me how complete strangers have no shame about approaching me, say in the market when I have to fill my prescriptions, and they ask what's wrong with my leg. I explain it's my back. What the HELL?!? Don't people know it's RUDE TO ASK???


Obviously, if I'm walking with a cane- I need assistance because something is wrong. Unless you know me, don't freaking approach me. I'll beat you with it. And then fall down.

Day 32 - Life's a Beach

I had my toes in the sand, even if only for a short time.


My pants are too big- a product of the medications making me lose my appetite. Goodbye weight. I know it's not the right way to diet, but what the hell. It's gone, right?? That's what counts. My old clothes fit... Time to have a yard sale. Or eBay sale. Or something.


I do attest, there's nothing better than sitting at the ocean... But this was at a lake up the street. Warm sand under toes is the best feeling in the world- as long as it's warm, not scalding hot. A nice breeze is always welcome.

Day 33 - Stormy Day

I felt like crap today. At least I have the talent to be able to paint on a healthy face.


The bags under my eyes are peeking through- despite the layers of concealer I had used. Some days- I just can't win.


Spasm stays in my back. I get more of a kink. Pain down my leg. Medication- wish it worked better. But at least I don't feel quite so foggy, underwater, frigged up. It's just not... AS good as it's been today. In my truck, being driven around... Have to stop by and pick something up at the store... I can't have them seeing me as a zombie now, can I?


I don't look as bad as I hurt here. It was a nice and sunny day- fall is on the way. I can smell it in the air already.

Day 34 - See Me

Another day, I made it through.
The brushes I have, I'm thankful.
Colors to play with- I'm thankful.
Arrays of looks... But I wonder.


Do you really see me?
Do you see what I hide?
Where I keep things hidden?
They say the eyes are the gateways to the soul... And so much can be expressed through them.
Do you see it?
Can you?
Is anything really there...


My question is... Do I hide it well enough?

Day 35 - Frustration is Catching Up

Quickly.


I'm tired of chasing things to get them done. I'm exhausted, but I hardly sleep. I think it's the new medication. More of my clothes have to be sorted, and donated because they're much too big for me now.


This is one of the days I wish I could go back to being a kid... With half days at school.
Recess means playtime, playground.
There's snack time with apple juice and animal crackers.
Then my favorite- nap time.


Why do we have to grow up?! I wouldn't mind being a kid again... And I fought my parents so damn hard to let me grow up....


Now I realize, I should have just enjoyed being young while I had it. It's kind of frustrating having bills, obligations, responsibilities. And it sucks even worse that I'm medically unable to work.


With any luck- it won't be much longer until I'm fixed. *crosses fingers*

Day 36 - Dreaming of Fiji

And a hot tropical beach.
A frozen alcoholic drink in one hand, and the other being held by a knockout sexy guy.


I love how blue my eye is in this picture.
It reminds me of ocean waters I'd love to be frolicking in right now...

Day 29 - Autum Eyes

Day 29 - Autum Eyes, originally uploaded by The Snarky Princess.

There was a hint of a chill in the air today.
It started off rainy, morose... Fit my mood perfectly. And of course, with the changing pressure- my back was quite problematic and hurt quite intensely.

I love painting with my colors. I love taking my brushes and painting pigments onto my eyes. Depending on the colors, my eyes change colors.
Sometimes a clear blue. Sometimes a beautiful navy. Marbled, and very close to my pupil- a hint of violet.

The colors bring me out.
They allow me a chance to be the type of artist I am. A pen in hand will wield some funny looking stick figures. A paint brush in hand better be for abstract watercolors. A makeup brush... Well... Now we're talking.

I can almost smell the cider donuts.
Corn husks with their crinkles, and grassy sweet-corn smell.
Red, beautiful apples in the crates.
Ice cold and crisp apple cider.
Pumpkin, apple pies.
The smell the air has when Autumn is coming tumbling through the door.
It's coming quickly... And it's my favorite time of the year.

Day 28 - Carnival Eyes

Day 28 - Carnival Eyes, originally uploaded by The Snarky Princess.

I needed bright. Bold. Electric colors today.


For some reason, I've been bitten by the bright color bug. Not clothing wise, of course... Just eyes. Anything that will set them off, deepen or lighten the blue. Intense.


I'm so glad I can paint on makeup and look healthy for pictures at least. The bags under my eyes continue to stay a dark bluish-purple, and no matter how much or little I sleep- they remain. Concealer is a wonderful thing.


And don't say anything about my leopard print background.
It's a blanket. And I love it.

Day 27 - Return from Hiatus, Ladybug Ladybug

Day 27 - Return from Hiatus, Ladybug Ladybug, originally uploaded by The Snarky Princess.

She startled me in the grass today.

They're common up here, but I can't help think that ladybugs bring good luck. Of course- that doesn't count if your house is infested by a swarm of them.... But who can resist this little bug?

They're so pretty, dainty and small.

She climbed about my fingers, and I made a wish. Perhaps things will start looking up after all.

My apologies for the hiatus- I've had a lot to worry about this past week and trying to hold myself together has been tough. The sun comes up each morning though- and I start each day anew.

Looking forward to tomorrow.
And answers.

Day 26 - Angsty

Day 26 - Angsty, originally uploaded by The Snarky Princess.

Makeup again.
Today was almost more rain... The warm front lingered, the cold front came through. Unfortunately, there were no storms. It upset me- considering when it's like this- I'm very uncomfortable. Trying to be positive- but in this kind of weather, with this kind of pain... It's difficult.

So I stayed quiet most of the day. Medicated and in a haze, just like what lingered outside. Finally decided to do a makeup tutorial with the look above. Ladies loved it, and I told them I'd make one. I did it. Finally.

I have to say- I'm glad I came up with this combination. I like the dark, the red... It fits with my moods. A little too perfectly.

Angsty. Dark. Sullen. Morose. Disappointed. Angry. Depressed. Hopeful. Doubtful. Frustrated. Angry. Skittery. Itching to get out. Mad that I can't work.
Pissed off because I had a promise from someone, and they didn't follow through.

Everyone wonders why I'm so cynical and blunt.

Well....

How else would you have me?
No other way.
Because THIS is who I am.

Day 25 - Cupcake

Day 25 - Cupcake, originally uploaded by The Snarky Princess.

My cupcake.
I got it for my birthday, from my sister.
When I look at it, I think of sugary goodness. I think my favorite kind would be molten cupcakes.

Chocolatey ooey gooey goodness topped with ganache frosting. No, that's not fattening or anything. :)

Hey, a girl can dream about calories- right?! That's not as bad as actually eating them....

I'm off to find a Hershey Bar.

Day 24 - Catch a Rainbow If You Can

Day 24 - Catch a Rainbow If You Can, originally uploaded by The Snarky Princess.

I was up on the Ledge today.
Careful walking got me up there... And it's where I sat with my sister for hours. I laid down on the rocks, let them warm me up. Granted- it wasn't the most comfortable I've been... But it was warm. The clothing we ended up removing in the heat and humidity did help with that minor problem.

And just when we were settling in to have girl talk.... We look up. A rainbow. It had been so overcast today that we were literally in the clouds.... The cloud cover was so low our hills and mountains were enveloped in the fluffy white "fog". But it wasn't fog, as people tend to believe. Most definitely clouds.

But... The rainbow was beautiful.
The sun came out, burned off some of the mists that were hanging low on the slopes. Broke through the clouds for a while.

And gave me the colors I plucked from the sky.

Day 18- The Scarlet Girl

Day 18- The Scarlet Girl, originally uploaded by The Snarky Princess.

(I forgot to get this to my blog last night...)

Some days I just don't give a shit.
I put on makeup to hide behind, it's just a mask.
To try and make me feel better, because if visually I look healthy and ok- perhaps I'll start to feel that way.
To hide the pain.
To hide the hurt.
To hide the blue black half moons under my eyes that have taken residence.
Sleep, honest, real sleep- eludes me.
I sleep, but I'm not rested.
It's getting exhausting.
I use the makeup to hide.
To step behind the crumbling down that I've been dealing with.
I don't cry enough. I need to.

I'm so used to keeping everything bottled up, until it's overwhelming and a simple word unravels me... And I'm crying hysterically- tears that just come flowing out of my eyes without me really understanding why. Crumbling bits and pieces that are falling from my hands as I try to hold on- and failing to keep them from continuing to slip from my grasp...

The primer for the makeup is great though- I hardly get a smudge.

I don't give a shit about the makeup or what it hides.
I just want to feel normal again.
No pain.
No weakness.

Day 15 - Always a Bridesmaid...

Day 15 - Always a Bridesmaid..., originally uploaded by The Snarky Princess.

Never going to be a bride.

Then again, I hear that what you want most usually happens when you least expect it.
What a lovely day yesterday... The food, the entertainment, the bride and groom.
The wedding cake was amazing to look at- and even better eats.
I only fell once- and at that, I was able to catch myself against the wall. I think because I stayed upright, my leg didn't stay numb as long and I got feeling back pretty quickly.

I was entertained by the fact I was the only redhead there.
Sat most of the time- but was able to get up and shake a little bit. Seated mostly because I didn't want to walk using my cane. I hate that I have to use it. But- that's life. It's mine until I get better.

The rain held off- and it ended up being a beautiful day.
Slept during the car-ride home. My backseat is quite comfortable.
Being barefoot was awesome. Everyone in the bridal party and immediate family looked amazing. I'm rambling.
Sorry.

Day 14 - My Little Butterfly

Day 14 - My Little Butterfly, originally uploaded by The Snarky Princess.

I'm a nitpicker.

Sometimes.

I'm not usually so much when 'm medicated... But for the wedding, I needed to look nice.

I did my nails. Now, normally it's a one color deal- swipe on and I'm done.

But this time, I wanted something a little more special.

So I gave myself a french manicure. Wooo-hooo.

Not bad, if I do say so myself.

And to make me happy, to remind me to smile,

I perched a little butterfly on my ring finger. Along with a crystal.

So that each time I looked at them, I'd smile. My right hand has a butterfly too- no crystal.

Honestly, I knew my camera would capture the detail I wanted.... But to actually see the glitter transfer outline of my little flutterby- that's kind of cool.

Day 3 - Introspection

Day 3 - Introspection, originally uploaded by The Snarky Princess.

I deserve better than what I've settled for.

I have more worth than I realize.

I will not let anyone walk all over me again.

I am strong.
I am beautiful.
I am grateful.
I don't need to be defined by a man.

Thank you for making me realize it
Again.

Freedom, to continue to be a free spirit.
Nobody will ever chain me to the ground- I need someone to fly along with me. Spread my wings, and fly beside someone that will discover alongside me.

Perhaps someday.
If I choose to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart. But I doubt it. I suppose we'll see.

I'll miss him, but I don't need him.
I do love him still. Always.

But I am me, and I will not change.
Not for someone that wants to mold me into something they want- if I change, it's because I want to. NOT because I'm told to.

Perseverance.
Strength.
Courage.
I can do this.

Day 2 - Cracked, Chipped, and Broken

Day 2 - Cracked, Chipped, and Broken, originally uploaded by The Snarky Princess.

He left, he's gone, and I don't really know or understand why. I suppose it's no matter now- since he won't even talk to me. Whatever. My heart is in pieces, and I refuse to pick them up again. It's just much too painful. But... This too shall pass.

"Honeymoon Red" polish. Hah. At least I didn't totally trust him at his word, otherwise this would hurt more. Still, after all these years, I trusted him more than the others. But, I always save a little piece for me. So I don't end up completely crushed. The medications are numbing me to this loss too. I'm devastated. But, can't say I'm complaining. No, we didn't get engaged or married. But he was the one I wanted to grow old with. He knew this. He lied when he said he wanted me closer. I wonder how it is living with that kind of a weight on your shoulders, as I haven't. At least I can say that I myself have been honest, loyal, truthful. I don't believe he can say the same.

I just realized this is the longest my nails have ever been naturally (acrylics used to be my best friend)- and my cuticles look awful. I'll have to make a mental note (and hopefully not forget) to give myself a new manicure. Take this "Honeymoon Red" off, and put a new color on. It's like an instant mood changer... New, fresh, pretty... Not chipped up and broken to bits.

Day 1- The Eyes Tell the Story

Day 1- The Eyes Tell the Story, originally uploaded by The Snarky Princess.

I came across a photo project last night from a photograph collection of an artist which has inspired me. One photo a day, for an entire year.

Oh yes, some days will be hard. And for my eye shots, I'll have to edit them before I post- but there will be creativity in all of these pictures. Some will be random shots that I'll pick up and do on a whim. Some will be staged, and viewed from an artistic eye as best I can. This is where a tripod comes in handy. Which I have. And will utilize.

I'm sitting here thinking now, I can't wait to burn my cane. The one I walk with. There's so much numbness going on in my head right now from all the medications- I need to focus on what I can make better. I need to be creative. This, I think, is the perfect outlet to do such.

So to you, I give me. Photographs. Once a day. For a year. Perhaps longer, if I find the time to keep it up. I think this is a positive focus to drag me out of the depression and sad view I've struggled with through this back problem of mine, in addition to someone very dear just "giving me up" like that. So easy. I wish hearts weren't so vulnerable to breaking... But I am, broken, into so many pieces I can't pick them all up. I'm not picking any of them up. I shall stay as I am for now. I will heal. Maybe, just maybe.... I'll be able to smile in one of them someday.