Left in place.
Outside looking in.
Sitting on my ass is really starting to get to me. It's starting to get me antsy- and I want to be up and moving around when I can't.
There are things that have happened recently that have me a little down and under the weather. It's stupid really, mostly. There were goals I had hoped to have achieved by now- but in what, I'm not quite sure. And that totally doesn't make sense. Maybe someday it will.
I'm a bridesmaid this year. I'm a guest at another friend's surprise wedding.
I'm sure my middle sister will be engaged soon. My youngest sister is graduating high school in a few weeks. I remember being her age... Being excited. My brother's out in Vegas- doing really well.
Me?
I'm stuck at a sitstill.
I say it that way- because I can't move. Well, limited... And yes, since coming back to see my doctor- I've been able to get some relief from the pain I've been in and we're thisclose to a diagnosis and a fix. Which I'm excited about.
So why am I down.
It's because... I can't be up and going. It's difficult to stay positive. It's hard to put a smile on my face when all I want to do is close my eyes, and disappear until I feel better. A little green jealousy bug has bitten me- and I know it's totally unfair and not anyone's fault but my own for feeling this way... But it's part of the reason I've been so hermity.
Spillage of the guts time, which I'm not good at and I expect people to not like to want to read or even understand any of this. Added to that, I'm medicated so what I say probably won't make much sense anyways.
When asked as a kid what I wanted to be- I first said a ballerina.
Why? I'd get to wear pretty tutu's, ballet slippers and dance around.
Asked years later- and I could only think of one thing I really, really wanted.
To be a good mother.
I mean, lets face it. I tried college. I didn't cut it. I partied too hard, got too into the social aspect of it and well- just didn't do well. There were certain classes that entertained and challenged me, which I did well with... But did I ever honestly tell anyone that I didn't actually see myself ever getting a degree?
No.
But I just did. Sure- I could have done the English thing- since it came so easy to me. But that's a lot of reading (not making excuses, it's just my work was too detailed according to my professors and they didn't like it- what a surprise). The assignments I'd turn in wouldn't be the required length of bullshit filler they needed it to be in order to be considered a "project". Why? I pull out the facts. I write down the important stuff. I don't add fluff, pomp, and blow smoke up your ass just to make a paper 10 pages instead of the 6 I have all the information already detailed and listed in. I don't know how to write fluff. Not when it comes to factual basis articles. Creative writing- yeah right. Blogging is about the extent of that creativity.
Could I have transferred to Art? Sure! But seriously... There's a reason people are called starving artists and I didn't want to be yet another paint smeared, frustrated student working on projects all hours of the night and finally getting frustrated with how my project wasn't cooperating and most likely saying fuck it... And tossing a paint can on it and ruining the entire thing. No patience in that arena. None.
Jewelry school? I've been toying with the idea.
I've been getting better with the materials I'm using, creating, and sometimes selling. My problem is getting people to buy. I'm not coming down on my prices- because it's my time and effort that goes into these pieces I create and I'll be damned if I let them go for cheap. I charge what my items are worth- not a penny more. And not exorbitant. But I'll tell you... This economy sucks. The way I make sales? Markdowns. Promos. I lose money- but gain repeat customers. That's what's important- and that's what I keep telling myself. I need a better marketing scheme. And honestly- I don't think I can make a living just selling my jewelry unless I get a fucking miracle that falls out of the sky. Riiight. Let me wait on that one for a while... Not.
What's my downfall?
Being supportive of all those around me. Which sometimes I let lapse- since I try to take care of everyone other than myself. Why? It's easier to fix problems that belong elsewhere than try to face my own demons. They're personal- they know the ins and outs and what I don't want to face- and that's the difficult part that I've been learning to take head on and defeat on my own.
I totally didn't see myself right here, this moment, right now- with what I have. But I have determination that I'm not staying down for long- no way, this isn't forever. It's not going to stay this way forever. Things very soon will look up- even if I have to drag myself up to do it.
My sadness comes from deeper within. I'm lonely. I thought I'd be married by now- but that's my own damn fault. I run. I shouldn't have- years ago, I never should have. And I promised him this time I won't. The only way I'm leaving is if he tells me to go. It's just... It doesn't quite feel real yet- even being back yet, seeing him... It's almost like he thinks I'm going to up and disappear in to thin air. I'm not.
My definition of success in all this, in life, is to be a good mother. I want the babies to raise, I want the man I love to walk that road with me, I want to do it as a partnership as it should be done... I know it's not going to be easy- but it's something I've wanted for years. Kind of hard to do that when I've got running shoes on and already picked a direction of exit which has the least amount of resistance and obstacles- which I'm done with. The shoes are off, retired, threw them in the garbage and now I'm not going anywhere. I want him to tell me I'm his. I want him to tell his friends, family, that I'm his again. Past feelings aside- it's our business what we do. And that's all I'm saying on the personal subjects.
Call me crazy, but I want to be out in the dirt digging and planting flowers. I don't want to be in an apartment forever. I want to be pruning hedges or bushes or whatever, and watering the grass in a yard I can walk around in. Chasing squirrels out of my yard. Growing strawberries, mint, basil and tomatoes. I want a beautiful garden filled with flowers that will bloom all spring and summer, with a little pond. Maybe some fish too. I want a little firepit I can sit around at night and warm my feet by, curled up next to him and just listening to the sounds of the water, sounds of the night. Going to sleep in his arms every night, and waking each morning that way. Telling him I can't wait to see him later... Him giving me that million dollar smile... And knowing we'll both be counting the minutes till we meet up to do whatever- movie, dinner, hiking, surprise... To just simply love him.
Yes, yes yes. I'm getting that freaking nesting feeling for some stupid reason and I want a place of my own I can clean, organize and call my own. Well, our own. I want to make dinner some nights, and have it made for me others. I want to take random road trips and not have a destination planned- just a tent in the back of the truck and a few sleeping bags and an air mattress (of course, so I don't wreck my back). Go do random crazy things just because we can... And we're kooky. We're always good at being kooky.
The happiness that my friends have... So many of them... I want some of it.
I think I have some of it... Actually, I know I have some of it. But maybe I'm looking too hard, or not enough. Or maybe just not communicating it the right way. Maybe it's just too buried under all this worry and concern. I want little bebes. At this rate, it seems like there are no kids in the future- and it breaks my heart. I just want to cry about it. Every time I turn around, it's someone else I know that's adding another little person to their beautiful little family- and don't get me wrong PLEASE- I'm SO happy for you all! Really I am! It's wonderful news and I'm thrilled for you all!
But a little piece in me hurts, a small one, because it's not me with that news.
It's just me, standing in the corner, with the smile on my face and congratulating you.
Then once that's passed, I go to the hallway and let the tears fall.
This is why I haven't been talking. This is why I haven't been answering calls. This is why I've been generally avoiding everyone- because I didn't want to fall apart at the seams. A lot of it is the medication talking- which makes me blabber- big news there.
But... Fuck it. It's written now.
Outside looking in.
Sitting on my ass is really starting to get to me. It's starting to get me antsy- and I want to be up and moving around when I can't.
There are things that have happened recently that have me a little down and under the weather. It's stupid really, mostly. There were goals I had hoped to have achieved by now- but in what, I'm not quite sure. And that totally doesn't make sense. Maybe someday it will.
I'm a bridesmaid this year. I'm a guest at another friend's surprise wedding.
I'm sure my middle sister will be engaged soon. My youngest sister is graduating high school in a few weeks. I remember being her age... Being excited. My brother's out in Vegas- doing really well.
Me?
I'm stuck at a sitstill.
I say it that way- because I can't move. Well, limited... And yes, since coming back to see my doctor- I've been able to get some relief from the pain I've been in and we're thisclose to a diagnosis and a fix. Which I'm excited about.
So why am I down.
It's because... I can't be up and going. It's difficult to stay positive. It's hard to put a smile on my face when all I want to do is close my eyes, and disappear until I feel better. A little green jealousy bug has bitten me- and I know it's totally unfair and not anyone's fault but my own for feeling this way... But it's part of the reason I've been so hermity.
Spillage of the guts time, which I'm not good at and I expect people to not like to want to read or even understand any of this. Added to that, I'm medicated so what I say probably won't make much sense anyways.
When asked as a kid what I wanted to be- I first said a ballerina.
Why? I'd get to wear pretty tutu's, ballet slippers and dance around.
Asked years later- and I could only think of one thing I really, really wanted.
To be a good mother.
I mean, lets face it. I tried college. I didn't cut it. I partied too hard, got too into the social aspect of it and well- just didn't do well. There were certain classes that entertained and challenged me, which I did well with... But did I ever honestly tell anyone that I didn't actually see myself ever getting a degree?
No.
But I just did. Sure- I could have done the English thing- since it came so easy to me. But that's a lot of reading (not making excuses, it's just my work was too detailed according to my professors and they didn't like it- what a surprise). The assignments I'd turn in wouldn't be the required length of bullshit filler they needed it to be in order to be considered a "project". Why? I pull out the facts. I write down the important stuff. I don't add fluff, pomp, and blow smoke up your ass just to make a paper 10 pages instead of the 6 I have all the information already detailed and listed in. I don't know how to write fluff. Not when it comes to factual basis articles. Creative writing- yeah right. Blogging is about the extent of that creativity.
Could I have transferred to Art? Sure! But seriously... There's a reason people are called starving artists and I didn't want to be yet another paint smeared, frustrated student working on projects all hours of the night and finally getting frustrated with how my project wasn't cooperating and most likely saying fuck it... And tossing a paint can on it and ruining the entire thing. No patience in that arena. None.
Jewelry school? I've been toying with the idea.
I've been getting better with the materials I'm using, creating, and sometimes selling. My problem is getting people to buy. I'm not coming down on my prices- because it's my time and effort that goes into these pieces I create and I'll be damned if I let them go for cheap. I charge what my items are worth- not a penny more. And not exorbitant. But I'll tell you... This economy sucks. The way I make sales? Markdowns. Promos. I lose money- but gain repeat customers. That's what's important- and that's what I keep telling myself. I need a better marketing scheme. And honestly- I don't think I can make a living just selling my jewelry unless I get a fucking miracle that falls out of the sky. Riiight. Let me wait on that one for a while... Not.
What's my downfall?
Being supportive of all those around me. Which sometimes I let lapse- since I try to take care of everyone other than myself. Why? It's easier to fix problems that belong elsewhere than try to face my own demons. They're personal- they know the ins and outs and what I don't want to face- and that's the difficult part that I've been learning to take head on and defeat on my own.
I totally didn't see myself right here, this moment, right now- with what I have. But I have determination that I'm not staying down for long- no way, this isn't forever. It's not going to stay this way forever. Things very soon will look up- even if I have to drag myself up to do it.
My sadness comes from deeper within. I'm lonely. I thought I'd be married by now- but that's my own damn fault. I run. I shouldn't have- years ago, I never should have. And I promised him this time I won't. The only way I'm leaving is if he tells me to go. It's just... It doesn't quite feel real yet- even being back yet, seeing him... It's almost like he thinks I'm going to up and disappear in to thin air. I'm not.
My definition of success in all this, in life, is to be a good mother. I want the babies to raise, I want the man I love to walk that road with me, I want to do it as a partnership as it should be done... I know it's not going to be easy- but it's something I've wanted for years. Kind of hard to do that when I've got running shoes on and already picked a direction of exit which has the least amount of resistance and obstacles- which I'm done with. The shoes are off, retired, threw them in the garbage and now I'm not going anywhere. I want him to tell me I'm his. I want him to tell his friends, family, that I'm his again. Past feelings aside- it's our business what we do. And that's all I'm saying on the personal subjects.
Call me crazy, but I want to be out in the dirt digging and planting flowers. I don't want to be in an apartment forever. I want to be pruning hedges or bushes or whatever, and watering the grass in a yard I can walk around in. Chasing squirrels out of my yard. Growing strawberries, mint, basil and tomatoes. I want a beautiful garden filled with flowers that will bloom all spring and summer, with a little pond. Maybe some fish too. I want a little firepit I can sit around at night and warm my feet by, curled up next to him and just listening to the sounds of the water, sounds of the night. Going to sleep in his arms every night, and waking each morning that way. Telling him I can't wait to see him later... Him giving me that million dollar smile... And knowing we'll both be counting the minutes till we meet up to do whatever- movie, dinner, hiking, surprise... To just simply love him.
Yes, yes yes. I'm getting that freaking nesting feeling for some stupid reason and I want a place of my own I can clean, organize and call my own. Well, our own. I want to make dinner some nights, and have it made for me others. I want to take random road trips and not have a destination planned- just a tent in the back of the truck and a few sleeping bags and an air mattress (of course, so I don't wreck my back). Go do random crazy things just because we can... And we're kooky. We're always good at being kooky.
The happiness that my friends have... So many of them... I want some of it.
I think I have some of it... Actually, I know I have some of it. But maybe I'm looking too hard, or not enough. Or maybe just not communicating it the right way. Maybe it's just too buried under all this worry and concern. I want little bebes. At this rate, it seems like there are no kids in the future- and it breaks my heart. I just want to cry about it. Every time I turn around, it's someone else I know that's adding another little person to their beautiful little family- and don't get me wrong PLEASE- I'm SO happy for you all! Really I am! It's wonderful news and I'm thrilled for you all!
But a little piece in me hurts, a small one, because it's not me with that news.
It's just me, standing in the corner, with the smile on my face and congratulating you.
Then once that's passed, I go to the hallway and let the tears fall.
This is why I haven't been talking. This is why I haven't been answering calls. This is why I've been generally avoiding everyone- because I didn't want to fall apart at the seams. A lot of it is the medication talking- which makes me blabber- big news there.
But... Fuck it. It's written now.
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