Nearly a month

Since I've been home.
I've got few answers- but it's better than what the doctors down in VA told me to do- aka "give up" and "it's all in your head".

Needless to say, my real Doctor up here couldn't believe the spasm I'm wracked with, the amount of pain I've been able to withstand, and how I managed to get along day by day for nearly two months just by taking excedrin. I told him sheer will. Stubbornness. Knowing that I can and will be fixed- somehow. I'm not a quitter, I'm a fighter. And I'll fight this till the end.

The update so far is this:

I'm still falling. Had a pretty bad one yesterday, landed on concrete, but got home and took care of it. I'm still not getting along really well- but it will come with time. My doctor basically has me on totally restricted movement- bed, recliner, and getting up and moving around to get the muscles moving- but nothing strenuous. No picking anything up. Limited bending. That sort of thing.

Last week I had two nerve blocks done- which hurt like hell. The pinch of the needle, and when it hit the nerve hurt like you wouldn't believe- but when the medicine went in.... On a scale of 1-10, and me being a near constant 9/10.... Brought me right down to a 7. Few minutes later, 6. Few minutes later 5. I've been hovering the past week between a manageable 3-4. That I can deal with. The medications he has me on makes me loopy- but thank goodness for lidocane patches. Those help pain like you wouldn't believe. It's just nice to have the excruciating pain from my lower back and hip radiating down into my bum just sort of dull now. The only part still aggravating is the fact that I am still falling. That, and the pins and needles and sometimes numbness I get in my right leg.

I'm sick of this recliner.
Used to love it- but it's where I park my ass now when I'm not in bed, or at the kitchen table eating. This injury will heal- it's just going to take time- and me not being impatient. I'll even be back to normal if I don't push things too hard, too quickly. I think Dad would be angry if I burned this stupid goddamn thing. lol

I know I've been hermity.
I've been a flat out bitch.
I haven't meant to be... It's just... I really don't have good excuse.
I'm in a lot of pain. I'm medicated. Instead of wanting to see people, I don't want to. I know I shouldn't be avoiding- but I can't help it. It's just... All I do is sit around. It's sad. I miss my friends. But I just am antisocial lately. I apologize.

I work when I can (and stupid me, I effed that up and have to get it fixed tomorrow), otherwise I'm just like Dory. I've got goldfish syndrome. I forget everything. Seriously. If I don't write things down that I have to do, I totally forget what it is that needs to get done. It sucks. BIG TIME. I can even be mid-thought, or sentence with you, hear a sound and bam.... I totally lose the entire track of what I was on. You wanna talk about a train wreck- well, there it is folks! I spent most of today thinking it was Monday if that gives you any clue.

I'm trying to figure out other things too, with just life in general, and I don't know what road I'm supposed to take now. It's not so clear- when just weeks ago it had seemed so simple. I just want to sit on the dock, my feet dangling, him sitting behind me with his legs around me and in the water, arms hugging me, my head leaned back on his shoulder, and listen to the sounds of the lake and the woods.

I can't even do that, because I have no way to get there. It's too far away, and I can't drive yet.