Still not many answers

As far as diagnosing my back.
Don't get me wrong- my doctor up here is awesome and has helped a lot lately- considering the lack of "help" I received down in VA. It's just frustrating spending day in and day out pretty much between my bed and a recliner- occasionally getting up to take a car ride to an appointment, pick up meds, or just to get out of the house and move around a little bit. It sucks. I hate being limited like this.

This time frame? Three weeks so far of just this staying quiet. The spasm started back in the beginning of March- so in actuality, it's been months.
Three weeks of trying medications, some of which work, others which help a little, and others that should have helped that haven't really done much good. That one baffled my Doctor. The good news is that I will heal- this isn't a permanent injury. But what it will need is time, and careful attention.
As far a what caused this: a traumatic injury.
Right off the bat I named it off- March 24, 2007, car accident. Then later that year, right after Christmas, falling down the stairs at home and bouncing down on the same part of my back. I'd call that trauma, right? Doctor agreed. Since then, spasms from time to time, but always manageable. And they always went away after a while.

Most of you know... I have my lazy days, of course.... But I'm a go-getter. I like having things done. Prepared, worked out, in order, organized, done. Perpetually in motion. Now- I'm literally at a standstill and can't do much of anything. It's enough to drive anyone mad. Like I say though- it could always be worse. The funny thing is- had the doctors I'd had down in VA listened to me, and given me the medication I had asked for to help- this never would have pushed itself to the severity it has right now. I could have been on the pain relievers, muscle relaxants, taken a week easy- and bam... Been better. I guess there's just too many people going in to offices, faking injuries, and abusing the medications when prescribed. Which sucks for me- considering the people that do legitimately need the medications can't get them.

As a quick run-down- because I for the life of me can't remember who I've now told or haven't, and my heads all foggy and befuddled- the quick version of the diagnosis so far.

I have some pretty good sized bone spurs on my vertebrae discs, which means there's calcification build up and they're sharp. This is abnormal- since when an injury happens, your body is supposed to deposit cartilage to to the spot that's injured- not calcium. This is typical when it comes to arthritis, especially in your back. When an injury acts up, or you hurt the area where the degeneration is- inflammation ensues- and unless you catch it early and get on anti-inflammatory meds- it'll progressively get worse. Not crippling- but pain and irritation wise, it'll become quite unbearable quickly. (That was stage one for me). These spurs eventually will need to be removed, and here's the good news- aside from my lower lumbar spine where I'm having all these problems- the rest of my back is in perfect condition! The discs in my upper back are all healthy, the bones are cube shaped normal, and alignment is normal.

Abnormal is the bottom part. So now that we've determined that I'm inflamed, this irritates the different layers of muscle that are in your back. There's more than one- and typically, when someone has a bad spasm- it's one layer at work kind of twisting you about and hurting. Well- because I didn't get the help that was needed when I first started having this problem, the deeper layers of my back muscles also became inflamed, irritated, and they too started to spasm. The problem here? They all go in different directions. Yes, that's right. I have muscles pulling this way and that in such a bad torque that it's literally twisting my vertebrae in opposite directions of where they should go.

This severe spasming that's going on, along with the inflammation of the muscles and material down there is pinching the nerve bundle that sits right along your hip. This is where most of your nerves are located in your lower body- especially the sciatica. Since this injury is presenting itself the way it is, what my Dr. thinks is happening is I'm in such a severe and locked up spasm, severely swollen and inflammed, and unable to really get it to release- this is causing the problem of me falling down. All the swelling is somehow getting to the nerves and when they get pinched, all signals are turned off. It's like blowing the fuse box- everything shuts off- and down I go. I know it's not my fault... And I know I shouldn't be embarrassed when falling down happens... But I am. It's like, time stops and everyone looks at me.

Today it was at the grocery store. Frozen isle section. First time I've ventured out of the house since my Dr. appt on Wednesday. Walking with the cart, leaning on it thank goodness- and step, step, step, fall... If I hadn't been holding on to the cart handle like I had been- I'd have smashed my mouth to hell. My Dad had his back turned for just a minute, and it happened... And this poor guy that watched me fall was befuddled. He was trying to help me up, asking if I was ok... All I could do was say "Yes, I'm ok, thank you." and tried to get up. It took me nearly a minute- I couldn't move. It's so embarrassing. I know it shouldn't be. Then three other people in the isle came over and asked if they could help... And I nearly started crying... I surprised me because I didn't think people cared anymore. Hah. Most of the the time they just walk by you, pretending they didn't see anything so that they wouldn't have to get involved. It was a nice surprise to see that some random strangers still give a shit about people that obviously have something wrong.

As for now... It's staying quiet. Very quiet. Most of my time is spent sleeping because of the meds, working on some jewelry projects when my hands aren't shaking so badly I can't work. I've been trying to focus on work work (since they've been kind enough to let me work from home) but with these new medications, I just can't focus. I mean... I can read... But I can't process, if that makes any sense. I can see what the problem is- I can identify it- but when I go to type it out... I lose it. Poof, gone. It's absolutely awful.

I don't like being scatterbrained. I don't like not being able to focus or concentrate. I don't like being a hermit- which is pretty much what I've been doing too. It's not that I don't want to see my friends... It's just... I want to curl up in my pj's, under my blanket, either in bed or recliner, and watch the back of my eyelids. I simply have no energy. In about 5 minutes I probably won't remember even writing this blog- how sad is that.

I do need to get my butt moving and sell some jewelry.
I was able to find some pretty glass beads, so hopefully more will be on the way. We'll see. I just don't know yet. Anyone wanna donate to "Amanda's Back Fund"? LOL.

The Update as of Recent

I just wanted to let everyone know that I've been holding up ok.

And so is kitteh, as evidenced in her new hangout spot within my houseplants!

Since early March, I've been plagued with a back spasm that just hasn't let up or given me any relief. After seeing my PCP, and her subsequently telling me that she wouldn't give me the combination of medications I know would have cleared this up... I had to resort to making an appointment with a neurosurgeon.

Needless to say, don't trust the fancy name unless you know someone that has seen them before and can provide an excellent reference. It took me nearly three weeks to get in to see this doctor, and after being poked, prodded and made to do move in ways that I had already explained were extremely painful for me. His recommendation for treatment was "Heat/Ice Therapy, Chiropracter, Physical Therapy, Narcotics, Tens (electrical stimulation and ultrasound therapy), Accupuncture, Giving Up, Some Fine Surgery".

Giving up?

GIVING UP?

Seriously? A doctor, a neurosurgeon, told me to give up.

I'm certain some of my readers here have dealt with pain... And some even with chronic pain... Would you for even a moment think of giving up????

I left his office empty handed. No medications, not even prednisone which in my case would have been used as an anti-inflammatory which was badly needed. I made sure to insist I had an order for an x-ray, and MRI. Symptoms thus far had been the back spasm, on my spinal column, radiating out toward just above my right hip. From here, the pain radiated upwards a little bit, but the majority was the shooting pain, numbness, and pins and needles that would go right through down my hip, bum and all the way down my leg and out my toes. Random times I'd fall. Just be standing, then boom- on the ground. Go to stand up from a sitting position, boom, right back down on the floor. Kneel down, attempt to bend, it could be anything. Boom... Falling on my knees, bum, side.... It didn't matter.

I had the X-ray done. Then the MRI. Refused to go back to the "neurosurgeon".

The second doctors I got ahold of, the "Orthopedic Specialists" who took me another two weeks to get in to see them told me they didn't see anything wrong with my back. Not from the MRI, not from anything. He sat there, asked me questions, checked my reflexes in my knee.... And that was the end of my appointment. The audacity of this doctor that got me the most was that he said this was all in my head. And obviously I have a nerve problem.

I thought this was a little silly- so I questioned him... If there's no problem, why are you saying there's something wrong with the nerve in my right leg. Particularly the sciatica. His response was to promptly get up and leave.

His assistant was kind enough to come back with a prescription to refer me to yet another specialist- to have a nerve test done. I didn't need that- I needed my back fixed. I was only at that point able to broach the subject of taking short term leave from work to get my back issues sorted out, diagnosed correctly, and fixed. The assistant left, then came back and told me it would be $175 for this new doctor to fill out the paperwork. Three pages. Two hundred bucks. I was appalled. I questioned that- cried in the office, I was so hurt at this point. In this amount of pain, no medication, driving myself to the limit because things needed to get done and I was the only one I could rely on... I was having a mini-break down.

That doctor popped his head into my waiting room and simply said "I won't fill this out for you. You need to see the neurosurgeon you had initially seen to get this done. Have a nice day."

I broke down. Took my records, didn't give them any further paperwork, and informed them I was not going to be back ever- nor refer their practice to anyone else.

So started the Emergency Backup Plan.

14 days, turned in to 7. I packed up some of my things, made an emergency call to my parents- and said I need you to come pick me up. They drove down to VA to come get me... Packed what I needed, and scooted me back home. Now my doctor up here had all my records before I had seen him- which is what I planned.

A good piece of advice for anyone with back problems- see first an DO- Doctor of Osteopathy. My doctor here has helped me through this since my first two injuries- my car accident in 2007, then falling down the stairs right after Christmas that same year. I've had flare-ups since then- but nothing this severe or long lasting.

Over the last week, he's helped me more than both those other two nuts did in two months. I have medications- muscle relaxants, and a pain reliever. He was appalled that all I've been taking was Excedrin Back & Body for the amount of pain and spasms I was literally hunched over with. My first appointment, he couldn't touch me- I was too bound up. This was when the pain meds and muscle relaxants were called in. I also had a steroidal shot in my rear end that would bring down the inflammation. Waited two days- and had to see him again. Not much relief- which not only was he surprised at, but he could feel in my back as well. He couldn't touch me for fear of hurting me.

So last week, he put me on an oral dose of steroids in addition to the rest of the medications. Today marked the day of the time passed, and I went to see him again. I had fallen twice this past weekend. Once on Saturday on to pavement (of course, the one day I venture out) and this morning, coming down stairs. That wasn't so bad, as I made myself push back and just sort of landed on the stairs sitting down hard. Diagnosis from me? Pain is alleviated to manageable, but the spasm has not let up. He felt as much as well. On the table, he had me relax as best as he could, then moved my right leg around. Excruciating in most positions.

Then he says, there... That's it.

What's it?

He said "You've got a severely torn ligament on the right side of your spinal column. This makes sense- it wouldn't show up on the x-ray or MRI, but I can feel it slipping. Your disc is slid out. This is the reason for the amount of pain you're in."

Me "Oh. Great."

Doctor "Well, you're young... You'll heal... But this will take a while, and you need to stay absolutely quiet. I need to do a procedure on you to help this give you relief- is that ok?"

Me "Yes. Anything, please. I don't want to hurt."

Doctor "On a scale of 1-10, right now where are you?"

Me "Between 9-10."

Doctor "High threshold of pain?"

Me "Yes. Usually why I end up hurt more than I should by the time I get to the doctor."

Doctor "You need to not wait that long from now on, ok?"

Me "Ok."

So.... Today.

Two nerve blocks, with more steroids. Let me tell you.... Having it done wasn't as bad as it seemed it would be. My doctor has magic hands- he really does. Told me there may be a slight chance of bleeding, or infection to the injection site. It would hurt- the medicine going in. It did... But only for a moment. And in that moment... Relief. Pain level went from 9-10 to 7 in 5 minutes. Level 5 in another 5 minutes. Here I sit tonight, and I'm at a level 4. Manageable. Didn't think I would feel this kind of relief for a while, nevermind by having my doctor suggest this as an alternative.

As it stands, I have to go back in another week for a checkup with him. As I'm making progress more slowly than he'd like, and I'm going a little stir-crazy in the process, whatever it takes to get me back to semi-normal would be just fine with me at this point. I'd be quite thankful. If this block lasts for at least the next week, that means he'll be able to help me more and we'll have at least some sort of idea at a treatment plan. However, if things backtrack- it would mean that other options- including surgery- would then have to be discussed. But when that time comes upon me... I shall do so.

As things look, I'll be working sporadically. I'm not used to sitting around and being idle.... But I'm also having some trouble making my jewelry since my hands are still shaking. I think I'll try to make some tomorrow- but we shall see just how well I progress along. I'm also home amongst my scrapbooking stash- which makes me rub my hands together and grin! So many stickers and embellishments... I don't think I'd have room for another shop on Etsy! Perhaps I'll just make them for my friends and family... Who knows.

My sincere apologies for ranting and raving on and on to everyone... But I wanted to let everyone in on what's been going on, and why I haven't had the chance to be online much at all.

Uncooperative

I don't think I'll be able to handle this much longer.

To work, to home, Monday through Friday. Weekends are spent mostly inside. My room is a mess- product of me not being able to do even menial tasks. Laundry. Straightening up. I did, however, manage to clean my bathroom counter this afternoon once I woke up. Just don't ask what the floor looks like... I don't have a broom, and I'm not getting down on my hands and knees to sweep the floor with my dustpan and brush. I'd end up stuck there. Then again, being a hermit isn't my idea of fun, but I really don't have a choice in the matter at this point.

Why is it that I have to be so strong so often?

Lately, being angry is the only thing I have that's absolutely keeping me from literally coming apart at the seams. I'm trying not to lash out at people... But it still happens. I do just want to cry. I do just want to fall apart, bury myself under my covers and forget the world until my body dissipates this pain I'm in. But it's not going to go away, not on its own. Taking it easy doesn't make it lighten up, but overdoing activities- sometimes as simple as walking down steps- will leave me reeling and almost unable to focus. I haven't really gone in to how this is affecting my thought process. The amount of pain I've been in is... Insurmountable.

I have to work hard to concentrate on one task. One. Multiple things? It has to be written down on a paper that's not going to get lost- otherwise, I'll forget. I'm so good at multitasking... But not this time. It's like my head's in a fog. I can't form thoughts completely through, and I usually forget what I'll say. A conversation has to be about the same subject- else I'll zone out and completely blank on what was just being discussed. Half the time I remember saying things, but I don't know what. I remember words, not sentences, and not all put together. I remember feeling hurt, angry, frustrated. But I don't know what else to feel... Anything else will just allow this pain to completely overcome and envelope me- and I can't let that happen. Slowly, it's getting better and better at taking me over... And I'm just trying to slow down the process as best I can. Some of you know, some of you don't. Now you will.

The results of the X-Ray I had last week are a bit, well, shocking. Not because of severe damage- can't see much detail since it's really just a picture in grayscale and little detail- but because it's a much different picture of my back than it was mere years ago. Basically, I have a chip of bone that's fractured off my L4 disc. Funny thing is, the radiology reader said there's nothing wrong- it's a calcification. Um... I'm sorry. I'm no professional... But... When you look at the picture, and obviously if the "chip" were twisted a little it and pushed back to my vertebrae- clearly, it fits like a puzzle piece. So unless my body has somehow managed to not only degenerate that vertebrae, and miraculously create a calcification for no reason just outside that portion... I think I need to be on Ripley's Believe it or Not! because that's pretty freaking impressive.

There are a few things that concern me about this "calcification". First, the obvious, it fits perfectly right back in to my vertebrae. Second- my sciatica is going nuts. I can't walk, stand, or sit in a position that's comfortable for me. Yeah- work is hell, but I suck it up and do what has to be done. Laying down is tricky... Sometimes I luck out and find a comfortable position. Which is ok, until I fall asleep.... Inevitably leading to me changing positions while I'm unconscious- and quickly waking me up in screaming pain when it does such. The most concerning part of all this is the fact that I've been falling down. All this pain is primarily on my right side. L4 & L5 lumbar discs are your bottom two, right above your butt. The sharp stabbing pain is here, from my spine and about 4 inches to the right is the radiation position. Some bad days, like today, it goes up into my shoulder blades, and to the left as well. From that centered point, imagine a circular dowel about 1 thick, 4" long and perpendicular being pressed into your skin- this is where I can feel pain. Take about 3" of that and pretend it goes down, through your hip, the back of your butt, thigh, knee, calf and straight into your heel and out your toes- getting smaller width-wise as it goes. This is the pain "line". I get pins and needles, anywhere from that spot in my back, or all the way down into my toes. It goes numb as well.

I've been trying to figure out why I fall.

Maybe a way I move, twist, turn... I don't know. There's nothing clear as to why it's happening. I could be walking, step... Down like a sack of potatoes. Basically... I should have someone near me at all times. Apparently, this will not happen until I somehow get home to people that can and will take care of me. The person I thought I could rely on here... Just isn't around. I could be mean, snarky, bitter... But let's just call it as it is. Disgraceful. Whatever. I've managed this long, I can manage a little bit longer. I just badly need this body fixed.

Staying Mad Keeps Motivation

It's been a nightmare, these past two weeks.

Between having a back spasm that won't let up, and finding out about the thyroid thing... I'm about at my wits end. Back and forth, back and forth, I can't seem to keep anything together.

Appointments being made, doctors that are incompetent (save, however surprisingly enough, the hospital), and no relief in sight for the back problem.

Issue?

Well I was able to get a copy of my x-rays. The pathology reader literally noted "no noticeable sign of degeneration, calcification on L4 lower" or some shit like that... But I find it hilarious that I email the prints to my chiropracter and he goes "WTF! What did she do?! That's a traumatic injury..."

Nutshell: I'm in pain because... I have a small piece of my vertebrae that has chipped off L4 on my right side. Hmmmm... My "neurosurgeon" seems to think that I have a pinched sciatica. YOU THINK!? I told him that when he first walked in- never mind after the "routine tests" he had to do- poking, pushing, pulling and pinching my leg/toes. Making me walk... Bend over (OUCH), lean back as far as you can (UUUGHHHHH HURT), bend side to side- left, feels like stretching, right, feels like grinding. Are you effing kidding me??? Here's the kicker... His advice was to go through this list:

Physical Therapy (check)

Chiropracter (check)

Heat (check)

Ice (check)

Massage Therapy (check)

Accupuncture (insurance doesn't cover)

Pain Management (?? You've gotta be kidding me)

TENS (WTF!?)

Giving Up (Seriously, I shit you not... He WROTE THAT- I have a COPY!)

Surgery (Preferred at this point...)

The cherry on top of the sundae?

Dr: It seems like you have pressure severe enough to impact your sciatica nerve, and that's why you feel the way you do down from your right hip to foot.

Me: Yes, I figured that's what it was... When I get really bad it does this.

Dr: Well, we need to take further action. Is there anything else you wanted to ask?

Me: Um, should I keep taking 600/mg Ibuprophen every four hours like I am to take the edge off the pain so I can function?

Dr: No, you should try to push it back to every 5 hours. Have a nice day. (walks out of the room)

Me: DUMBFOUNDED. Astonished. WOW. Not like I'm asking for freaking handouts here, but:

a) I'm not sleeping well, if at all during the night. I turn wrong, I wake up. I sneeze, I wake up. I take too big a breath, I wake up. I move my leg, I wake up. I move my right arm, I wake up. Getting the picture?

b) It literally feels like I'm sitting on a softball- under my bum, and one near the base of my spine... Conveniently where that piece of bone is "broken" off.

c) I don't know when my leg will give out again. I've fallen at least 7-8 times in the past 2 weeks, and most likely my fall in the tub last week, or the one this past weekend is what "broke" that piece of bone off. I don't exactly look forward to falling again.

d) Because I'm in overload of pain at the moment... I'M BITCHY. I'm miserable, I'm moody, I'm freaking IMPOSSIBLE. I know this. I'm trying to keep it in check- but overstimulation in the system makes me forget I'm being a jerk and well... Sorry.

e) I just want this fixed and over with.

So plan of action:

MRI next Friday. This better not be denied. I'll not be responsible for my actions if that's the case.

Trying to get ahold of the Dr in Maine so I can have this fixed.

Would like to be able to get even TYLENOL3 if possible. Mind numbing pain is not fun... I'm unable to really focus on much at this point. Ibprohpen I'm sure is working wonders on my liver- as in overload because I'm taking so much to try and just take the edge off the pain. Not really working. And the short temper is not fun to deal with- part of it pain, part of it associated to the stupid thyroid thing.

I'm also dealing with the process of losing a friend. I don't like it, and because of certain aspects that I just don't want to be involved in.... I'm trying to remove myself from the situation, but can't find a tactful way to do so. It's frustrating. If everything could go back to the way it used to- well, that would be dandy. But I don't have a rewind button... So suppose that's out of the question. Guess the best way to not get hurt is to step far enough away from the fire so that I don't get burned. It sucks, but at this point... I don't see any other way. I'm sad about it... But I guess everything has to come to an end at one point or another. Such a shame.

Until then, I'm sure you can find me hobbling around somewhere. Most likely my apartment, since I can't go far.

The Reason Behind It All

Well... This is a mixed bag of emotion for me.

On one hand, I want to share the news and get advice and help. Provided I am correctly diagnosed, and need to start a management program. On the other hand... I have different fingers. lol. Sorry, needed to not be so serious for a moment. Other hand- I want to keep this private and to myself.

But if that were really the best option, I think, I would not be sitting here writing this... Now would I?
Monday, March 15, 2010 began as a rough day. My kitteh had an eye infection really bad, making her look like a bobble-eye fish. So first and foremost was off to the vet with her... Which, to my delight (and everyone that knows her) she's ended up just fine and had an allergic reaction to something located somewhere in the apartment. Medicated, and given many treats, the kitteh is fine.

I had a Dr. appointment that afternoon, and in doing such I figured it was just going to be a routine physical. Had the blood work done earlier the week before, and this would be a breeze too. Got nearly done, and my Dr. started asking some odd questions. Felt my throat, glands I figured. I didn't feel sick, but questions asked really pertained to what I've been experiencing lately:

Stress
Nervousness
Anxiety
Panic Attacks
Insomnia
Fatigue (absolutely no energy)
Fluttery Heart
Hand Tremors
Severe Mood Swings
Weak Limbs- Legs/Arms
Frequent Bathroom Breaks (Gotta pee!)
Velvety Skin (rapid cell turnover)
Difficulty Concentrating
Short Attention Span/Memory Lapse
Restlessness
Heat Sensitivity

I chalked it up to being homesick, to the changing of the seasons... But then I realized, I've felt this way for about 6 months. Maybe more.
The Dr. tells me that my test results came back mostly good... Mostly. That word bothered me. Next, was the descent into her diagnosis:

Hyperthyroidism.
Possibility of Graves Disease.
My blood work for nearly everything came back within the normal ranges- except for TSH and T4(free) levels. TSH is more or less the baseline moderator, produced by your pituitary gland in your brain. The hormone gets sent to your thyroid, and from there your thyroid tells it how much of the hormone to produce, resulting in the other chemicals being made and diffused throughout your body. My brain is producing hardly any of the hormone. Why is this a problem?
The other chemicals that are produced as a result and regulated by TSH go wacky- otherwise, overproduce. My T4(free) levels are too high. Because of the overproduction of the hormones, it's throwing my body out of whack. I'm a lot moodier, with bad emotional swings. I can sleep 10+ hours a night and wake up, only to be feeling 2 hours later I got a half hour of sleep. My back spasms are lasting longer, and I'm losing balance and falling (not frequently...) because all of a sudden my leg won't work. I think that symptom is mostly because of the pinched nerve, but still... The muscle suddenly becoming "rubber" on me is suspect. One symptom is a faster metabolism- which I wouldn't mind... It would help out with the weight loss angle, but alas- not in this situation. lol.

I now face a few more bumps in the road because of this. But, appointments have been made and I'm going to control this.
I'm having both the MRI for my back (to get fixed, once and for all!), and the uptake scan of my thyroid later that morning. Then back the next one for another scan... I'm going to be radioactive- hm, maybe I'll glow!

All kidding aside- this is really worrying me. I'm happy, in a way, to have some sort of answer as to why I've been feeling the way I have lately... But then again, this condition is forever. Risks, that I've found, include only a 20-30% success rate in trying to treat it with the anti-thyroid medication. (I HOPE I fall within that category). Step two would be radioiodine. Yep, you guessed it... Radioactive Iodine. Pro-side is that this method usually works. The con-side is that typically usage of this treatment ends up with 90% of patients getting HYPOthyroidism instead. UGH.

Third, and absolutely last option I'd consider, would be to have the thyroid removed entirely. This consists of living a certain lifestyle, being active, and taking medication forever in order to supplement the body with the hormones it's no longer receiving. That's typically only done in extreme cases- and I'm nowhere near that bad. Thankfully!

The up side of all this is by the time I have to take any action... My back will be fixed, I'll hopefully be pain free... And exercising will be a regular thing for me.

So here's to tomorrow... And what it will bring.
Good news, I'm hoping!

Apologies to be Made

To three people.

To J, S & I for last weekend.

I apologize for being standoffish, and almost antisocial. I know you came out for me... And that O was there too, to share a few drinks and have fun. I tried..... Not as hard as I should have, but I did. I'm greatly appreciative that I was able to spend time with you, and I'm sorry for not saying so outright. Thank you, all four, for trying to make it a good night for me.

For me, lately, it's been a funk. I'm not sure whether I'm coming or going, which way's the right way, or what's up or down.

I don't need to explain in great detail why I do the things I do, why I make the decisions I do.

Most of the time, I know the outcome and consequences. And if I'm wrong, I admit it. Alternately... If I'm right, I also don't point and laugh and kick someone when they're down. There's a lot of things that are going, and some drastic changes that are coming. I thought I could put it off, but it appears I can't any longer.

This hurts me.

Even though I don't show it, or mask it with anger and not always kind emotional swings.... It's how I react. I don't necessarily mean to. While my head's telling me to shut the hell up, my heart is venting- saying what comes to mind, saying what and how I feel, and taking issues head on. Not really the best of things to do in all situations- but it's the way I cope.

Another reason, not excuse, for my behavior is that I've been in an incredible amount of pain- but not really letting anyone know just how bad it is this time around. The person I thought I could rely on to help me through this, is distant. Not that I blame O for wanting to back away from what seems like a rabid animal (me), but because he tries so hard to look past it and see the positive. When I'm in this much pain, it's hard to and my reaction is leave me the hell alone, or get out of my way. In my defense... It's kind of him to want to be around and help when he can. But when I really need him around- he's not here. This has only been lately- please don't think I'm saying he's never around. He's helped me a great deal.

To let you in on a little bit of this... The "back' story- pun intended. My apologies now for it being such a long read. Go on, grab a cup of coffee or a snack before you start...

Most of you know I have degenerative disc disease and arthritis in my lower back. While it's genetic and hereditary, it wasn't supposed to exhibit itself until much later in my life. However, being dealt the cards I have, I've tried to just get on with it, trying to move past and ignore it, hoping it will just eventually go away or get better. It started out with me getting a 2" door flung open on me at work. Workers Comp denied the claim, because I didn't make the connection between getting hit and my back problem until a week after it happened. Heck, it took three days for the injury to really grip me as it was. This was almost 6 years ago. After some time off my feet, I was back to work. I was able to recover fairly quickly, considering the injury, and I thought that was that. This was 2005.

Second incident was a horrible car wreck I had coming home from Concord, NH on March 24th, 2007. It was raining the entire way, and while they called for snow where I lived further North, it was too warm for it to stick even if it did switch over. The entire way, though, was rain. Tamworth, though, was a different story- and I was cautious after noticing the temperature was slightly dropping. Still, it was above freezing. After placing a call to my Dad, and lying about where I was on my route home, less than 60 seconds elapsed from the time I hung up the phone, put it in my cupholder and subsequently slid off the road, down a snowbank and ate a telephone pole head on. I should have known better- the road I took was always touch-and-go with weather. Mind you, I was going less than 20 mph because I had realized it was just starting to turn from rain to freezing rain... And the speed limit on the curve I was taking was 30. Up, over the hill, and it was a sheet of ice. I knew as soon as I crested the hill and zeroed in on the pole that I was going to head right into it.

The right wheel caught, dragged me over. I popped the car into neutral, and tapped my brakes to see if there was any traction... There wasn't. So I sat back, tried to steer into the other lane... Nothing... Tried to steer further into the snowbank, but it was icy. I just hugged it the entire way down. I had hoped that by turning into it- since trying to angle into oncoming traffic didn't do anything as far as moving me in that direction- the snow would slow me down and not make the impact so jolting. Unfortunately, my car refused to get up and into the bank.... Crash. Had it not been there, I doubt I would have survived. Just my luck, I had to crash in a cell phone dead spot. Just my luck, a volunteer fighter fighter came around the corner right as I crashed. The impact... Well... It was hard. The road curves to the right, and it angles in... So instead of slowing down like I was trying to, my car picked up some speed on the way down. They said I was only doing about 25 when I hit. All the airbags went off, and by some miracle I managed to throw my arms up so they took the brunt of the deployment from my steering wheel. I was, though, thrown forward- and had I not had my seatbelt on, I'd have flown through the windshield. These seconds seemed like they were slow motion...

Pop... Pop... Pop... Pop... Pop.... Pop... I could feel each vertebrae from the bottom of my butt to mid-shoulder stretch, move, separate. My initial thought was Oh Shit... Adrenaline. Shock. Kicked in. Tried to start my car back up and back out of the telephone pole- until I realized I had crashed. Crashed. Totalled the car. Shit... Turn it OFF... Removed the keys. Felt my back tighten. Had to get out, headlights were right there. Voices. Phone was in my hand, not dialing. Numbers weren't going through. High heels sinking into the dirt on the side of the road, I somehow unbuckled myself and got out of my car. Pain... Chest... Neck... Seatbelt scraped me from the impact... Back spasm. Adrenaline, no pain yet. My salad is all over the back of my car. Call Dad, he has to know... No cell service. Fire fighter has signal, tells me he has the ambulance on the way. He's sliding down the road, trying to keep me calm. Eerily, I was calm.

Moments tick... Back, slight pain, it goes away. Sirens. Already? They're close. Station's nearby. Face is wet... Blood? No, tears. I didn't realize I started to cry. I didn't hurt... Yet. Phone rang through at home, I somehow picked up a signal, got through, Dad, I crashed... Come get me, please... Tamworth... I lied... I'm sorry... My car... My... My car is... Wrecked... Yes, I took that road.... I'm sorry, I shouldn't have... I thought it would be quicker... But I was near where I said I was... It didn't seem icy... It was only raining... I'm sorry... Sirens, they're almost here... Daddy I'm sorry...

Lights. The police were here. Woman trooper, telling me to keep my head still. I nodded, she put her hands on my neck and held me stiffly. High heels sinking back into the dirt, and she told me to keep my eyes open. I jerked, she moved to catch me, spasm. Shouldn't be doing this. The cop car was in the snowbank on the other side of the road, why? Odd place to park... Usually, they close the road off. Minutes more.

She tells me to keep still. More tears, I can't believe I did this. My coat, in my car... I'm cold... But I don't really feel cold... I'm just shivering. It's a long time standing there. Ambulance lights... Sirens... They're here... Seems like forever ago. But the ambulance keeps gunning it... They're just past my car... Why? Neck brace goes on, ask if I'm alright. Dazed, but ok. Yes. I'm fine. The ambulance moves up the hill again. They check vitals, and I hear a familiar rumble. Dad's here... They're trying to get me to lay down on the gurney, No I want to see him first... Then another voice. My sister... Oh, why did I DO this... Dad gets me to lay down. They strap me in, and I hear him talking to another trooper. They get bags, and start moving my things out of my car. It has to be towed.

Cop jokes, WHAT does she have in there?!? Lots of stuff. I didn't have a chance to empty it out. I was going to, tomorrow..... It was too messy... Jerking spasm again... Was going to get all that stuff out and have my car nice and clean again.... Pain is setting in, I'm starting to feel the muscles in my back... Uh oh... Can't lay down on the gurney straight. Leg curled up a bit, and my back is arched. They load me into the ambulance. Oh, they had to keep gunning it... Because it kept sliding backwards down the hill... It's ALL ice!? IV goes in, pinches for a moment. Spasm so bad I nearly pass out from the pain. Lights reflecting off the inside of the sterile truck, snowflakes now swishing by. The EMT tells me to relax, breathe... I am... Not helping any... Ride takes forever. Hospital, more checking me out, x-ray, spasms continue. Poor Mom, home alone not knowing what happened. I close my eyes and cry.

It seemed like forever... My parents and sister come in, they've given me the pain medication... I start to blabber. They tell me to be quiet, relax, I can't. I need to talk... Wow, pain goes away... I can't stretch out, the muscles are too tight... But it's relief. Hours go by... I drift in and out.... Concern, I'll be just fine. Bumped and bruised, and the back is an issue because of the impact now... More medicine, more spastic blabbering about anything that pops into my head. Uncontrollable. I can't help it. I want to go home. Stood up, nearly fell over... Parents caught me... Went to get the car, couldn't bend to get in, needed to crawl into the backseat and put my head in my sister's lap. Ride home bumpy, I didn't remember it being like that... Comfortable bed, warmth, drifted off to sleep...

It took me weeks to heal from the superficial injuries. Months passed before my back would relent in the spasms. I learned, however, to stretch before I got up in the morning so I wouldn't incur the wrath of the back at any point during the day. But right after Christmas the following year, I fell down the stairs at home. I didn't stretch before I got out of bed, I had to go to the bathroom bad... First floor... Bounced from the second stair, down to almost the bottom. Passed out momentarily from the pain, brought out by screaming. Realized it was me. My back felt funny..... Not in place...I couldn't move. I couldn't straighten my back... And my leg hurt. Bad. Back to the hospital, X-rays done. Told me to go home, take meds and rest. See the doctor to get the reading on Monday. Preliminary diagnosis was that I didn't have any noticeable damage. Monday's Dr. C was the hero of the day.

He was able to pop me back into place... Only to tell me that I had DDD & arthritis, You mean the ER didn't tell you that from the x-rays?? Are you kidding?! No, Dr. C, I'm not. He said it wasn't advanced, but there's a disc that's out of place- potentially herniated. Need MRI. Did it, not herniated. Just bulging. Torn ligaments on both sides- from falling the way I did. Resulting in a pinched sciatica, when inflamed. Most likely, some of the damage was also done by my accident... But the disc, even with his magic hands, wouldn't go back in to place. So not only would back spasm, my leg would tingle and then go numb. Was fired from work for "performance issues' on my birthday that year of 2008, 2 months after I fell. Funny, I missed 2 days of work and still showed up on time the rest of the duration I was employed. Even being on medication I had no business taking while at work, but to cope with the pain it didn't affect me very much. Dr C. wanted me out of work 2 weeks to allow my body to heal, and I argued- I had bills, needed to work at least 20. He okayed it... Boss, well, he fired me. He didn't have the balls to actually... It was someone else that did it for him. Still dealt with the pain, the adjustments, the spasms that wouldn't let up. Through April.

Then I moved. A week before I did that, I was able to start walking again, after mostly crawling around for the months I couldn't move. Still taking meds to deal with the pain and spasms... I started seeing an awesome Chiropracter in VA... And up until now, it's helped. I do my exercises and stretches... But sometimes my back goes anyways.

For the past week and a half, my right leg has been mostly tingly and numb, with bouts of me losing feeling/strength and falling down because of it. This has happened at least half a dozen times. So, friends, if you notice me walking very slowly, and staying near walls or other objects... This is why. Topple can be slowed down so I don't just hit the floor. Which leads to my decision over the past few days.... I'm getting this fixed for good.

Getting ahold of a great doctor I've been referred to in Maine. Surgery to fix what's broken, so that I'm not remaining broken and in pain like I have been. This will happen as soon as possible. Fusion won't happen- there's too much of a risk of the discs above and below the fusion will degenerate. It happens often, and knowing my bones... Quite unavoidable. Options will be discussed, but most likely disc replacement. This way, the disc that doesn't quite fit where it used to will be replaced... And I'll be able to walk, hike, do the things I used to be able to do without worrying about having to pay for it later by being incapacitated. I'm too young for this to be happening.... And the time has come that the decision is made.

So please forgive me if I'm short tempered, mean and cranky.

Forgive me for things I've said because I'm not really in the right frame of mind in trying to process both this amount of pain, and trying to be social. I've hated being limited like this... And I know I take it out on those closest to me without meaning to. Forgive me for not really seeming like I'm terribly interested in being out and about- I know the intentions are well meant, and I appreciate every bit of it. Just... My head is trying to process both what my body is screaming at me, and how I know I should be acting like with everyone. They haven't meshed well lately.

I'm sorry.

Especially to O.

Creation of a Woman

By the time the Lord made woman,

He was into his sixth day of working overtime.

An angel appeared and said,

"Why are you spending so much time on this one?"

And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her?

She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable and able to run on diet coke and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart - and she will do everything with only two hands."

The angel was astounded at the requirements.

"Only two hands!? No way!

And that's just on the standard model?

That's too much work for one day.

Wait until tomorrow to finish."

"But I won't," the Lord protested.

"I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart.

She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days."

The angel moved closer and touched the woman.

"But you have made her so soft, Lord."

"She is soft," the Lord agreed,

"but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."

"Will she be able to think?", asked the angel.

The Lord replied,

"Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason and negotiate."

The angel then noticed something, and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek.

"Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model.

I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."

"That's not a leak," the Lord corrected, "that's a tear!"

"What's the tear for?" the angel asked.
The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love, her loneliness, her grief and her pride."

The angel was impressed.

"You are a genius, Lord.

You thought of everything!

Woman is truly amazing."

And she is!

Women have strengths that amaze men.

They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy.

They smile when they want to scream.

They sing when they want to cry.

They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.

They fight for what they believe in.

They stand up to injustice.

They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution.

They go without so their family can have.

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

They love unconditionally.

They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards.

They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding.

Their hearts break when a friend dies.

They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.

They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.

Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.

They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.

They bring joy, hope and love.

They have compassion and ideals.

They give moral support to their family and friends.

Women have vital things to say and everything to give.

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN, IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.