Uncooperative

I don't think I'll be able to handle this much longer.

To work, to home, Monday through Friday. Weekends are spent mostly inside. My room is a mess- product of me not being able to do even menial tasks. Laundry. Straightening up. I did, however, manage to clean my bathroom counter this afternoon once I woke up. Just don't ask what the floor looks like... I don't have a broom, and I'm not getting down on my hands and knees to sweep the floor with my dustpan and brush. I'd end up stuck there. Then again, being a hermit isn't my idea of fun, but I really don't have a choice in the matter at this point.

Why is it that I have to be so strong so often?

Lately, being angry is the only thing I have that's absolutely keeping me from literally coming apart at the seams. I'm trying not to lash out at people... But it still happens. I do just want to cry. I do just want to fall apart, bury myself under my covers and forget the world until my body dissipates this pain I'm in. But it's not going to go away, not on its own. Taking it easy doesn't make it lighten up, but overdoing activities- sometimes as simple as walking down steps- will leave me reeling and almost unable to focus. I haven't really gone in to how this is affecting my thought process. The amount of pain I've been in is... Insurmountable.

I have to work hard to concentrate on one task. One. Multiple things? It has to be written down on a paper that's not going to get lost- otherwise, I'll forget. I'm so good at multitasking... But not this time. It's like my head's in a fog. I can't form thoughts completely through, and I usually forget what I'll say. A conversation has to be about the same subject- else I'll zone out and completely blank on what was just being discussed. Half the time I remember saying things, but I don't know what. I remember words, not sentences, and not all put together. I remember feeling hurt, angry, frustrated. But I don't know what else to feel... Anything else will just allow this pain to completely overcome and envelope me- and I can't let that happen. Slowly, it's getting better and better at taking me over... And I'm just trying to slow down the process as best I can. Some of you know, some of you don't. Now you will.

The results of the X-Ray I had last week are a bit, well, shocking. Not because of severe damage- can't see much detail since it's really just a picture in grayscale and little detail- but because it's a much different picture of my back than it was mere years ago. Basically, I have a chip of bone that's fractured off my L4 disc. Funny thing is, the radiology reader said there's nothing wrong- it's a calcification. Um... I'm sorry. I'm no professional... But... When you look at the picture, and obviously if the "chip" were twisted a little it and pushed back to my vertebrae- clearly, it fits like a puzzle piece. So unless my body has somehow managed to not only degenerate that vertebrae, and miraculously create a calcification for no reason just outside that portion... I think I need to be on Ripley's Believe it or Not! because that's pretty freaking impressive.

There are a few things that concern me about this "calcification". First, the obvious, it fits perfectly right back in to my vertebrae. Second- my sciatica is going nuts. I can't walk, stand, or sit in a position that's comfortable for me. Yeah- work is hell, but I suck it up and do what has to be done. Laying down is tricky... Sometimes I luck out and find a comfortable position. Which is ok, until I fall asleep.... Inevitably leading to me changing positions while I'm unconscious- and quickly waking me up in screaming pain when it does such. The most concerning part of all this is the fact that I've been falling down. All this pain is primarily on my right side. L4 & L5 lumbar discs are your bottom two, right above your butt. The sharp stabbing pain is here, from my spine and about 4 inches to the right is the radiation position. Some bad days, like today, it goes up into my shoulder blades, and to the left as well. From that centered point, imagine a circular dowel about 1 thick, 4" long and perpendicular being pressed into your skin- this is where I can feel pain. Take about 3" of that and pretend it goes down, through your hip, the back of your butt, thigh, knee, calf and straight into your heel and out your toes- getting smaller width-wise as it goes. This is the pain "line". I get pins and needles, anywhere from that spot in my back, or all the way down into my toes. It goes numb as well.

I've been trying to figure out why I fall.

Maybe a way I move, twist, turn... I don't know. There's nothing clear as to why it's happening. I could be walking, step... Down like a sack of potatoes. Basically... I should have someone near me at all times. Apparently, this will not happen until I somehow get home to people that can and will take care of me. The person I thought I could rely on here... Just isn't around. I could be mean, snarky, bitter... But let's just call it as it is. Disgraceful. Whatever. I've managed this long, I can manage a little bit longer. I just badly need this body fixed.