Staying Mad Keeps Motivation

It's been a nightmare, these past two weeks.

Between having a back spasm that won't let up, and finding out about the thyroid thing... I'm about at my wits end. Back and forth, back and forth, I can't seem to keep anything together.

Appointments being made, doctors that are incompetent (save, however surprisingly enough, the hospital), and no relief in sight for the back problem.

Issue?

Well I was able to get a copy of my x-rays. The pathology reader literally noted "no noticeable sign of degeneration, calcification on L4 lower" or some shit like that... But I find it hilarious that I email the prints to my chiropracter and he goes "WTF! What did she do?! That's a traumatic injury..."

Nutshell: I'm in pain because... I have a small piece of my vertebrae that has chipped off L4 on my right side. Hmmmm... My "neurosurgeon" seems to think that I have a pinched sciatica. YOU THINK!? I told him that when he first walked in- never mind after the "routine tests" he had to do- poking, pushing, pulling and pinching my leg/toes. Making me walk... Bend over (OUCH), lean back as far as you can (UUUGHHHHH HURT), bend side to side- left, feels like stretching, right, feels like grinding. Are you effing kidding me??? Here's the kicker... His advice was to go through this list:

Physical Therapy (check)

Chiropracter (check)

Heat (check)

Ice (check)

Massage Therapy (check)

Accupuncture (insurance doesn't cover)

Pain Management (?? You've gotta be kidding me)

TENS (WTF!?)

Giving Up (Seriously, I shit you not... He WROTE THAT- I have a COPY!)

Surgery (Preferred at this point...)

The cherry on top of the sundae?

Dr: It seems like you have pressure severe enough to impact your sciatica nerve, and that's why you feel the way you do down from your right hip to foot.

Me: Yes, I figured that's what it was... When I get really bad it does this.

Dr: Well, we need to take further action. Is there anything else you wanted to ask?

Me: Um, should I keep taking 600/mg Ibuprophen every four hours like I am to take the edge off the pain so I can function?

Dr: No, you should try to push it back to every 5 hours. Have a nice day. (walks out of the room)

Me: DUMBFOUNDED. Astonished. WOW. Not like I'm asking for freaking handouts here, but:

a) I'm not sleeping well, if at all during the night. I turn wrong, I wake up. I sneeze, I wake up. I take too big a breath, I wake up. I move my leg, I wake up. I move my right arm, I wake up. Getting the picture?

b) It literally feels like I'm sitting on a softball- under my bum, and one near the base of my spine... Conveniently where that piece of bone is "broken" off.

c) I don't know when my leg will give out again. I've fallen at least 7-8 times in the past 2 weeks, and most likely my fall in the tub last week, or the one this past weekend is what "broke" that piece of bone off. I don't exactly look forward to falling again.

d) Because I'm in overload of pain at the moment... I'M BITCHY. I'm miserable, I'm moody, I'm freaking IMPOSSIBLE. I know this. I'm trying to keep it in check- but overstimulation in the system makes me forget I'm being a jerk and well... Sorry.

e) I just want this fixed and over with.

So plan of action:

MRI next Friday. This better not be denied. I'll not be responsible for my actions if that's the case.

Trying to get ahold of the Dr in Maine so I can have this fixed.

Would like to be able to get even TYLENOL3 if possible. Mind numbing pain is not fun... I'm unable to really focus on much at this point. Ibprohpen I'm sure is working wonders on my liver- as in overload because I'm taking so much to try and just take the edge off the pain. Not really working. And the short temper is not fun to deal with- part of it pain, part of it associated to the stupid thyroid thing.

I'm also dealing with the process of losing a friend. I don't like it, and because of certain aspects that I just don't want to be involved in.... I'm trying to remove myself from the situation, but can't find a tactful way to do so. It's frustrating. If everything could go back to the way it used to- well, that would be dandy. But I don't have a rewind button... So suppose that's out of the question. Guess the best way to not get hurt is to step far enough away from the fire so that I don't get burned. It sucks, but at this point... I don't see any other way. I'm sad about it... But I guess everything has to come to an end at one point or another. Such a shame.

Until then, I'm sure you can find me hobbling around somewhere. Most likely my apartment, since I can't go far.