Day 26 - Angsty

Day 26 - Angsty, originally uploaded by The Snarky Princess.

Makeup again.
Today was almost more rain... The warm front lingered, the cold front came through. Unfortunately, there were no storms. It upset me- considering when it's like this- I'm very uncomfortable. Trying to be positive- but in this kind of weather, with this kind of pain... It's difficult.

So I stayed quiet most of the day. Medicated and in a haze, just like what lingered outside. Finally decided to do a makeup tutorial with the look above. Ladies loved it, and I told them I'd make one. I did it. Finally.

I have to say- I'm glad I came up with this combination. I like the dark, the red... It fits with my moods. A little too perfectly.

Angsty. Dark. Sullen. Morose. Disappointed. Angry. Depressed. Hopeful. Doubtful. Frustrated. Angry. Skittery. Itching to get out. Mad that I can't work.
Pissed off because I had a promise from someone, and they didn't follow through.

Everyone wonders why I'm so cynical and blunt.

Well....

How else would you have me?
No other way.
Because THIS is who I am.

Day 25 - Cupcake

Day 25 - Cupcake, originally uploaded by The Snarky Princess.

My cupcake.
I got it for my birthday, from my sister.
When I look at it, I think of sugary goodness. I think my favorite kind would be molten cupcakes.

Chocolatey ooey gooey goodness topped with ganache frosting. No, that's not fattening or anything. :)

Hey, a girl can dream about calories- right?! That's not as bad as actually eating them....

I'm off to find a Hershey Bar.

Day 24 - Catch a Rainbow If You Can

Day 24 - Catch a Rainbow If You Can, originally uploaded by The Snarky Princess.

I was up on the Ledge today.
Careful walking got me up there... And it's where I sat with my sister for hours. I laid down on the rocks, let them warm me up. Granted- it wasn't the most comfortable I've been... But it was warm. The clothing we ended up removing in the heat and humidity did help with that minor problem.

And just when we were settling in to have girl talk.... We look up. A rainbow. It had been so overcast today that we were literally in the clouds.... The cloud cover was so low our hills and mountains were enveloped in the fluffy white "fog". But it wasn't fog, as people tend to believe. Most definitely clouds.

But... The rainbow was beautiful.
The sun came out, burned off some of the mists that were hanging low on the slopes. Broke through the clouds for a while.

And gave me the colors I plucked from the sky.

Day 23 - Wishful

Day 23 - Wishful, originally uploaded by The Snarky Princess.

I was hurting pretty bad today. There's more rain on the way.
I needed makeup that would pick me up... And it mostly worked. So out came the brushes, and blend blend blend I did.
Colors I didn't think would work, but did. My eyes were so blue today- it happens when I'm smartin' good. They got to a nearly pale blue sky color by the end of the day.

My eyes.
Are.
Amazing.
Look close.. You'll see violet rings my iris. And no, no contacts in my eyes lately. I've been too lazy to try and maintain them. (sighs)

Sorry...

I haven't posted pictures for the past few days.

I'm still trying to get used to the medication change, and well... It's knocking me on my butt. I'm feeling exhausted, tired, underwater and out of control. The pain, at least, is numbed for the most part at this point. The spasm is still there- 12 more days and I'll have been like this for 5 months. Too long.

It's amazing what a little makeup can do though... I can "paint my face", and I look healthy. I'd take more before/after pictures- but I really don't want to scare people. The bags under my eyes are getting a deeper black/blue. They're puffier lately too which I've noticed. I need to moisturize more than I have been- I'm getting laugh lines at the corner of my eyes, and underneath. But it's alright I suppose... I'm aging. I still look young. When I get back to my good days, I'll feel young. I'll act young... Wait, I don't need to wait for that. I already do. I've figured out that applying the same primer that I use on my eyelids- to get eye shadow to stick and stay all day without smudging- is fabulous to use over these dark half moons under my eyes. The foundation sticks wonderfully. It conceals them almost completely... And I can do my makeup in such a fashion that I fool everybody. I look healthy- even though it's just a painted on mask. I'll be thankful for that at least- I can fool easily.

I've noticed that my leg almost cramps up before I fall- and anytime I feel that, I sit down. So I haven't fallen in 3 days already. That's the longest I've gone since this first started in March. I'd like it to just completely release and go- but I have a funny feeling it's just not going to be that easy. I'm also going to be looking for another doctor I believe- not my primary care, but the other one I've been "consulting" with. I've been like this for months too long. I should have had some sort of diagnosis other than "shingles without the rash". Well, I found out that 99% of people have that with at least a small rash for a short period of time when it first happens. It didn't to me. Nothing of the sort. I don't think it's that diagnosis. And now the "neurologist" I'm seeing is content to drag me on for months, increase the medication as I go, and "continue on my merry way".

I want to find the reason I feel this way. I want to find the cause. Taking more and more medicine, stronger doses as the weeks go by and I build up a tolerance for it, only masks the pain. It's not fixing it. It's like putting a band-aid over a deep puncture wound and saying "There! I fixed it!". No, that's not correcting the problem that there's a gaping hole that's bleeding like hell... That's not a fix. I don't want to continue to cover the symptoms I'm having- I want the pain gone (which, on this high dosage of Neurontin it's doing.. But leaving me foggy as hell) and not come back. I want the spasm to release, so I can walk normally. Sit without pain. Sleep without pain. It's all pain. Varying degrees, but still pain.

I've been trying to get my pictures up every day... I've been taking them, it's just a problem of when it gets to the end of the day, I'm so tired and worn out I just fall asleep. I don't do much. This bothers me. So many days, weeks, months. Lost. I can't rewind, get them back. But I will move forward- I'll find what's wrong. We'll find what's wrong. I'll be ok again- and soon. I just don't know what the key is- what's the way to get me back to normal. I don't have the answer to that question just yet- but I will soon. I hope.

Too Worn Out...

To do a picture post tonight. I did take pictures earlier today, so I'll get them to you tomorrow.

I just feel completely exhausted, even though I haven't done hardly anything. I'm drained- though little effort was exerted. I'm sore- it's thunder-storming. The rain that came in caused bad cramps in my back tonight... But it will dissipate tomorrow. I'll get you pictures tomorrow... Or, rather, later today!
Goodnight...

Day 22 - Silver Eyes

Day 22 - Silver Eyes, originally uploaded by The Snarky Princess.

Alice Through the Looking Glass.

You love.
You lose.
It sucks when it's because an outside force is controlling things, and seemingly unstoppable. I won't be steamrolled.
I will not be ordered about.
I haven't given up yet.
Just stepped back for a while.
In an effort to see if what I believe to be truth will show itself.
Because what I see, I don't believe is real in the terms it was stated.

And if it is... Then I tried my hardest.
I gave my best.
Everything.
I even came back.

At that point.... To hell with it all.

If otherwise... Proven, and really worked for... I shall dance. I shall smile. I shall be who I am, and give all I have forever.

Time...
Tick, tock, tick, tock....
I'm not sure I'll wait though.
I've done enough of that so far.