Sorry...

I haven't posted pictures for the past few days.

I'm still trying to get used to the medication change, and well... It's knocking me on my butt. I'm feeling exhausted, tired, underwater and out of control. The pain, at least, is numbed for the most part at this point. The spasm is still there- 12 more days and I'll have been like this for 5 months. Too long.

It's amazing what a little makeup can do though... I can "paint my face", and I look healthy. I'd take more before/after pictures- but I really don't want to scare people. The bags under my eyes are getting a deeper black/blue. They're puffier lately too which I've noticed. I need to moisturize more than I have been- I'm getting laugh lines at the corner of my eyes, and underneath. But it's alright I suppose... I'm aging. I still look young. When I get back to my good days, I'll feel young. I'll act young... Wait, I don't need to wait for that. I already do. I've figured out that applying the same primer that I use on my eyelids- to get eye shadow to stick and stay all day without smudging- is fabulous to use over these dark half moons under my eyes. The foundation sticks wonderfully. It conceals them almost completely... And I can do my makeup in such a fashion that I fool everybody. I look healthy- even though it's just a painted on mask. I'll be thankful for that at least- I can fool easily.

I've noticed that my leg almost cramps up before I fall- and anytime I feel that, I sit down. So I haven't fallen in 3 days already. That's the longest I've gone since this first started in March. I'd like it to just completely release and go- but I have a funny feeling it's just not going to be that easy. I'm also going to be looking for another doctor I believe- not my primary care, but the other one I've been "consulting" with. I've been like this for months too long. I should have had some sort of diagnosis other than "shingles without the rash". Well, I found out that 99% of people have that with at least a small rash for a short period of time when it first happens. It didn't to me. Nothing of the sort. I don't think it's that diagnosis. And now the "neurologist" I'm seeing is content to drag me on for months, increase the medication as I go, and "continue on my merry way".

I want to find the reason I feel this way. I want to find the cause. Taking more and more medicine, stronger doses as the weeks go by and I build up a tolerance for it, only masks the pain. It's not fixing it. It's like putting a band-aid over a deep puncture wound and saying "There! I fixed it!". No, that's not correcting the problem that there's a gaping hole that's bleeding like hell... That's not a fix. I don't want to continue to cover the symptoms I'm having- I want the pain gone (which, on this high dosage of Neurontin it's doing.. But leaving me foggy as hell) and not come back. I want the spasm to release, so I can walk normally. Sit without pain. Sleep without pain. It's all pain. Varying degrees, but still pain.

I've been trying to get my pictures up every day... I've been taking them, it's just a problem of when it gets to the end of the day, I'm so tired and worn out I just fall asleep. I don't do much. This bothers me. So many days, weeks, months. Lost. I can't rewind, get them back. But I will move forward- I'll find what's wrong. We'll find what's wrong. I'll be ok again- and soon. I just don't know what the key is- what's the way to get me back to normal. I don't have the answer to that question just yet- but I will soon. I hope.