Day 5 - Violet Femme Eyes

Day 5 - Violet Femme Eyes, originally uploaded by The Snarky Princess.

The eyes are the windows to the soul.
Mine are blank, unfocused, empty. Pretty. But nevertheless, expressionless most days.
It's the medication.

This is how I play.
I create.
Makes me feel better.

Today I wanted violet eyes. I got them.
Pinks and purples tones on my eyelids, and my faithful black eyeliner. Can't go wrong.

Last night I broke our stairs. It would have been better if I had happened mid-day, but these things don't work like that I guess. Went to go to bed, and boom.. There goes the stairs. Bottom 2. I thought I was going to fall through and slide down into the basement.

Thankfully, they didn't fall OFF.
But I panicked, jerked myself upright and backwards, nearly fell. Once I knew the stairs weren't going anywhere, I turned around and sat on the 4th step up.

The end result... Today has been a very painful day. Not even the increase of the medicine dosage was able to mask it. The spasm flares up. *sighs*

There's also rain on the way.
Yes, I can predict the weather.
The spasm gets knotted, the pain creeps further around where it normally centers right above my right hip, on my back. A little right of my spine. Excruciating.
No comfortable position can be found. Not for any amount of time at least.

So... In an (nearly successful) attempt at being bright and positive today... This is what I was. Violette.

Day 4 - Before the Movement Hurts

Day 4 - Before the Movement Hurts, originally uploaded by The Snarky Princess.

In my nest of blankets I could have sworn I folded up and left at the bottom of my bed, I wake up in a mess of quilt, sheets and down throw. I'm half in, half out of them all. I left my camera in reach, next to my bed- so I reached.

I didn't sleep well. The Lidocane patch on my back has scrunched up, and it needs to be fixed. This will stay on until 2:30 today- since that's what time I finally had Mom put it on this morning. A 12 hour run, it helps with the pain- but not completely. Anything that alleviates this awful stabbing, sharp, dull and achy spasm is being tried.

I'm guessing perhaps Mom or Dad came in and threw the covers on me- it did get quite chilly last night. But I always sleep with my windows open in the summertime. I'm typically good with a sheet. I have no idea how I ended up in the midst of a blanket nest.

Turning over, easing my hips to the edge of the bed so I could swing my feet over... Hurt. A lot. This is the only time of day that I'm lucid. I can't even say that I'm coherent, the pain is overwhelming. Then come the medications... Which make me numb.

This is no way to live life.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
This too shall pass.

I will run.
I will play.
I will swim, hike, climb.
I will canoe.
I will ski.
I will buy a motorcycle.
And a 4 wheeler.
I'll ride them like I did before.
I will have fun.
I'll go sailing.
I'll try kayaking.
I'll wear my high heels.
I'll go dancing.
This won't last forever.

Day 4 - Waking Up, originally uploaded by The Snarky Princess.

Two pictures today.

An early post.

This was especially hard, since I woke up in a considerable amount of pain. It's raining, the barometric pressure is crazy, and my medications have worn off.

The first few moments of opening my eyes, and having the new day register all hits me like a truck.... I focus my eyes, the light is too bright and causes an instant headache.

Simply bringing my arm up shifts me a little bit, and it's sheer pain radiating which I feel. From lower-back right down my leg. Thank you for being around, rain. You've made my day hard already.

The sound of the rain, relaxes me. It's strange how something that hurts me also has such a calming effect.

What do you see here?

·:*¨¨*:··:*¨¨*:··:*¨¨*:··:*¨¨*:··:*¨¨*:··:*¨¨*:··:*¨¨*:··:*¨¨*:··:*¨¨*:··:*¨¨*:·

Since taking the pictures, and making the post.... The medications have kicked in. I feel... Sludgy.

Like, I'm moving in slow motion. I'm underwater, murky water, can't focus on anything under there... But feeling the mud below my feet. Feeling the dirt circling me, the particles. Each particle. Hypersensitive. Underwater- is this what it's like?

I scratch my skin, and it hurts. I'm not pressing very hard at all. Surprised my fingers are taking over and typing the words for me, because they sure aren't making sense in my head. And I didn't expect my random thoughts to be legible. I thought I'd have spelling errors galore, but that's also what spell check is for. Look, I can still joke a little. Hah. That amuses me. Wow, using big words too. *giggles*

What's the point of getting out of bed, if I come downstairs, take my meds, and want to go right back to sleep? I should be smart and take them up to bed with me. There's an idea... But I forget. I'll forget in 20 minutes I did this. I'll forget I took the pictures, and will take more with every intention to post them... And only then will I realize that I already did. Hah. I do, though, really like the photo I had for yesterday. I love being home. Photoshop- the REAL deal- ROCKS. So much easier to use than GIMP (I'm not cracking a joke, that's the actual program) wow I'm rambling.

I've grabbed a blanket, so now I'm not so cold. Sounds bother me. Especially when you put in a DVD- that whole THX sound check thingy drives me bonkers. I hate that sound. I mute it. Dad loves it. He doesn't. Someone yells, even if it's myself, it's like it resonates in my head and I hear it twice as loud as it's done. AAHHH. It's awful. And I think the range of sound, in addition to it getting louder as it goes, is what gets me. It really, truly makes me plug my ears so I don't have to hear it. My hands are starting to have the tremors again. This irritates me.

I still can't believe he dumped me. After three years of waiting for him. After not seeing anyone, dating nobody for 3 years. He said he loved me. I said it back. When I say it, I mean it. I hate that word- but will use it if felt. And it was. Is. I'm so numb to this, thankfully. Otherwise- I'd be a wreck. Perhaps it's good that I don't have a chance to analyze it in the mornings when I get up. I'm too focused on needing to get downstairs and get my meds, eat some food, and sit to wait for it to kick in. Then I realize I think about things. I loved him so much. I don't think he understands. I think he's lying in saying he doesn't want me. Whatever. That thought for the day is done. At least on here.

I need more water. And a nap I think. Maybe not, the spasm is cramping and making me curl to my right side- elbow into hip. UGH. Maybe I'll work on jewelry. Yes, I need to do that. Need to sell some. I wonder if there are any craft fairs- I can have someone sit in for me or something. I can't think about that right now, it's too much. Too much. Too long I've been like this. Something's gotta give.

Day 3 - Introspection

Day 3 - Introspection, originally uploaded by The Snarky Princess.

I deserve better than what I've settled for.

I have more worth than I realize.

I will not let anyone walk all over me again.

I am strong.
I am beautiful.
I am grateful.
I don't need to be defined by a man.

Thank you for making me realize it
Again.

Freedom, to continue to be a free spirit.
Nobody will ever chain me to the ground- I need someone to fly along with me. Spread my wings, and fly beside someone that will discover alongside me.

Perhaps someday.
If I choose to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart. But I doubt it. I suppose we'll see.

I'll miss him, but I don't need him.
I do love him still. Always.

But I am me, and I will not change.
Not for someone that wants to mold me into something they want- if I change, it's because I want to. NOT because I'm told to.

Perseverance.
Strength.
Courage.
I can do this.

I don't wanna play games...

With my medications. But that's what the Dr. said... And that's currently what I'm apparently going to do. We need to manage pain, get me out of it, before moving on to a medication that will supposedly ease the spasm in my back. I'm so sick and tired of feeling like this- pain, then numb.

This new medication I got a few weeks ago makes me feel underwater- foggy, numb. We're increasing the dosage because I'm not pain free- I'm just more comfortable on this medication than I was Tramadol. The one I'm taking now is Neurontin/Gabapentin. It's an epileptic medication- which apparently Tramadol can induce if taken too often, which I was doing and not aware of it- but it's also a very strong pain killer. It's baffling both my Doctors that this isn't under control, never mind healed at this point. The spasm in my back just will not let go. Torn muscles, ligaments... But not healing. Not getting better. It hurts.

It's been 4 months of this pain. 3 months since I came home, in 4 days. I wake up in the mornings, the only time of day that I'm lucid. And the pain is horrible- mind numbing in a totally different way than the medications make me. I usually ease down the stairs in the morning on my butt. Too afraid that if I step down, my leg will eventually one day give out and I'll go toppling head first down the stairs. It hasn't happened yet, I sure hope it doesn't. Some mornings, though, I'm able to step down- with my left leg first. Not often though. Then the meds kick in. I get the sensation of slowly going underwater, then the fog comes. And the pain disappears. Mostly. Not completely... But like I said, we're working on that. The medication will be increased gradually over the next few days. More fog. More sleep. The skeletal relaxant only relieves the stiffness in the morning. Celebrex, well, I haven't noticed much of a difference being on it- to be totally blunt. Maybe I just haven't noticed it. It's quite possible.

I think the water therapy is helping. Moving in the water, stretching out, it does help. Even though it's little steps at a time- it's better than no improvement. I'm just very down that I haven't had significant improvement. It seems I'm at a standstill, a red light that has no intention of turning green anytime soon. Things are just piling up, and I'm trying like hell to deal with the stress of it all. I'm antisocial, but I miss my friends. I'm hungry, but not. I'm losing so much weight, I might end up gaunt soon. (joke) I don't want to do anything, but I miss being out too. It's ridiculous.

My mood swings are up and down, ridiculously unpredictable. Not in a bitchy or bad way, only foggy. I want to do something, and then I change my mind and decide no. This medication, we've decided, will be increased. Which means I'll be sleeping even more than I have been. I'll be foggier and need to focus more on what's being said to me in an conversation- I'll have to concentrate. I may ask for things to be repeated- I'm sure I'll miss some of it.

Despite all this overwhelming shit, I'm determined to make positive out of it.
I don't want to stay negative.
The purpose of my new project- the picture a day for a year, perhaps longer... Gives me a reason to look forward to tomorrow. Not that I'm thinking any crazy thoughts- I'm not- I'm just tired of being in chronic pain. I need a positive influence- creativity to flow. I need to devise what picture I'll take. How I'll take it, the setting, the conveyance of emotion. Will it be happy? Sad? Unreadable? Portraits of me, each day, no matter now good or bad I feel. It may be my entire body. It may be my face. It may be my hands, eyes, back, or any other part of my body that I may or may not show. It's a work of progress- a work in progress. It's me, plain and simple. Watch as I change, a progression of growth and trying to cope with anything that life may throw at me. I think it's a good project. A positive growth experience. I'm two days in, and I'm happy with what I've done. We'll see how long it takes before I get aggravated with it- as I'm sure I will. But mark my words- I'll do this for at least 365 days straight. I said I would.

Day 2 - Cracked, Chipped, and Broken

Day 2 - Cracked, Chipped, and Broken, originally uploaded by The Snarky Princess.

He left, he's gone, and I don't really know or understand why. I suppose it's no matter now- since he won't even talk to me. Whatever. My heart is in pieces, and I refuse to pick them up again. It's just much too painful. But... This too shall pass.

"Honeymoon Red" polish. Hah. At least I didn't totally trust him at his word, otherwise this would hurt more. Still, after all these years, I trusted him more than the others. But, I always save a little piece for me. So I don't end up completely crushed. The medications are numbing me to this loss too. I'm devastated. But, can't say I'm complaining. No, we didn't get engaged or married. But he was the one I wanted to grow old with. He knew this. He lied when he said he wanted me closer. I wonder how it is living with that kind of a weight on your shoulders, as I haven't. At least I can say that I myself have been honest, loyal, truthful. I don't believe he can say the same.

I just realized this is the longest my nails have ever been naturally (acrylics used to be my best friend)- and my cuticles look awful. I'll have to make a mental note (and hopefully not forget) to give myself a new manicure. Take this "Honeymoon Red" off, and put a new color on. It's like an instant mood changer... New, fresh, pretty... Not chipped up and broken to bits.

Day 1- The Eyes Tell the Story

Day 1- The Eyes Tell the Story, originally uploaded by The Snarky Princess.

I came across a photo project last night from a photograph collection of an artist which has inspired me. One photo a day, for an entire year.

Oh yes, some days will be hard. And for my eye shots, I'll have to edit them before I post- but there will be creativity in all of these pictures. Some will be random shots that I'll pick up and do on a whim. Some will be staged, and viewed from an artistic eye as best I can. This is where a tripod comes in handy. Which I have. And will utilize.

I'm sitting here thinking now, I can't wait to burn my cane. The one I walk with. There's so much numbness going on in my head right now from all the medications- I need to focus on what I can make better. I need to be creative. This, I think, is the perfect outlet to do such.

So to you, I give me. Photographs. Once a day. For a year. Perhaps longer, if I find the time to keep it up. I think this is a positive focus to drag me out of the depression and sad view I've struggled with through this back problem of mine, in addition to someone very dear just "giving me up" like that. So easy. I wish hearts weren't so vulnerable to breaking... But I am, broken, into so many pieces I can't pick them all up. I'm not picking any of them up. I shall stay as I am for now. I will heal. Maybe, just maybe.... I'll be able to smile in one of them someday.

There's no place like home....

And happy endings are just stories that haven't finished yet.
Yes, I'm being pessimistic. I'm not ready to share why just yet.

Well, here I am... Still. In the recliner. Pain is being managed, but the spasm in my back still hasn't let up. I just don't know what's wrong. I've tried swimming in the river, and just floating- it's really low this year, and the current isn't that strong. I was quite surprised that I feel like I was able to stretch out and feel a little better- but the knot right above my hip remains. No wonder they have people using water therapy- you're weightless in water. It's easier to move. It's not as sudden as a movement.

However, if you're stupid like me and don't bring sunblock.... Well, you get burned. Or in my case- fried to a crisp. Blistered up on my shoulders pretty good- I hope I don't peel too bad. I've been able to get to the river three times this past week- and I'm hoping the rain we had this morning will bring up the water level a bit. Typically (and I'm obviously not taking part of it this year) we jump off the bridge into the water- but it barely hits 6ft on one side, and the other is maybe 7 1/2 feet deep. Much too shallow for safe jumping... Not to mention we're not supposed to do it... And there's a fine if you get caught. But there they are- the dumb boys, teenagers, showing off and doing backflips off the bridge. It's a decent sized fall. I have no problem doing it typically- but there's no way I'm walking all the way up to the bridge, climbing over the railing, then jumping. And I can't balance for crap, so I wouldn't be able to jump from the railing like I've done before. Meh. It's fine by me. I'm all about the leisurely float down the river when I hold my breath- and I don't really need to kick hard or use my legs... So my arms are getting a workout. Well, a little one.

The updates recently are not much, unfortunately.

I'm still in pain, but at least now it's being managed to where I'm comfortable. I've still got the spasm, which has not let go at all. The nerve blocks I had 2 months ago have already worn off, and the sciatica pain is starting up again. I'm still randomly falling, though the last few times I was near a chair or was able to catch myself on the counters here at home. I still don't have any warning when it's going to go, so it's a matter of guessing what the probability of me falling on a given day will be. I've lost my cane- it's been misplaced somewhere. And I really don't want to use my walker. UGH. I hate that I even have one. I shouldn't need one. I'm not ranting about that now, I could take up way too much time.

I was supposed to have an MRI this past Monday on my head, to determine if any of this is something neurological going on in my head- but because of my braces they couldn't get a clear picture of the area they needed the pictures most. The metal interfered with the machine, and "ghosted" out where the image of my brain stem would have started they said. So- the most important part of what they needed to see to determine if there's something wrong inside my skull- they can't see. The closest place I'd be able to have any of this done would be Boston, because the machines there have the capability to accurately "guess-timate" what's in there and produce a workable picture of it. My concern is that I've been through quite a bit of radiation exposure already. I don't want to do any more unless it's absolutely necessary. I see the neurologist again this coming Monday afternoon- my fingers are crossed that he can come up with something better than "adult shingles without the rash". Oh, yes, that was his preliminary diagnosis the other week. I can't remember when I last saw him... July 1 I think? I don't remember. Still forgetting things, dates, pretty much everything. I don't think adult shingles would make my back spasm so severely. I don't think it would make my hands shake, or when I cross my big toe over my smaller ones on my right foot- make it start shaking worse than a Parkinson's patient. I don't think shingles would do that. Plus, my foot cramps- so to get it to stop shaking is painful too. I forgot to show him that. Remind me to.

I'm so tired at this point, I barely sleep. Or I do if I take my Valium at night. I don't like doing that, because even though I do end up sleeping through the night- I don't feel rested. I've got such dark circles under my eyes, it's ridiculous. They won't go away. I can barely cover them up with makeup, and my eyes- just look dead half the time. It's scary how the physical toll is starting to really show. I came home the weekend of April 16th. Since then, I've lost 43 lbs. It's the medications that I've been taking- I have no appetite. I have to time it in the morning so when I come down, I take my meds and eat immediately. Otherwise, I won't have anything until mid-afternoon, which is a bite or two (literally), and then I'll eat a small dinner. I'm just not hungry. I'm tired ALL the time, but don't really sleep for more than an hour during the day- unless I'm completely wiped out. Typically, it's small 15-20 minute naps that get me as I sit in my recliner. Doing nothing. Well, doing this. Blogging. Facebook. Attempting to make jewelry. I'm not sure if it's safe for me to be in the sun with the combination of medications I'm on, but I went out yesterday and laid for a little while. Made the burn on my shoulders extend to one on my arms, lower back, belly and legs. Yep. I successfully made my little burn into a big one. Wonderful. Oh yes, I've lost enough weight that I bought myself a two-piece bathing suit. I won't call it a bikini, because those barely cover anything... But this one looks good. I just need to lose a little more around my middle before I go to the river in just the suit itself. Like, only 15 lbs to do it. Don't take it as I'm going down to the river and having fun... No. It's more like water therapy. Just... Free.

I have to be careful in the water. I've had my leg go numb on me a few times already- which on dry land would mean I fall down, injuring myself again. The danger here is that I can't use my leg to swim. Luckily, my arms can do the job for me. The water in the area I stick to is quite shallow- only really getting to about 8 feet deep across the far side of the bank, and of course much shallower to the side I go to- which means I can walk, or put my feet down on the ground if I need to. I can float without a problem- take a breath. Most people don't realize that- so here's my tip for the blog: if you're ever having trouble in the water, take a big breath and hold it, and roll to your back if you can. Stop flailing your limbs- it will sink you quicker. Relax. Float.

Back to updates. Um. Well. There really isn't much more to tell. My doctor's not sure what's causing what's wrong with me- but we know it's torn ligaments/muscles. That's what's causing the spasm. The nerve blocks should have lasted at least 6 months. It was more like 6 weeks. Oh, and Dad just found my cane. Whoop de doo. We'll see what the Neurologist says on Monday afternoon. My fingers are crossed that he's going to come up with some sort of different diagnosis other than... Shingles.

On another note, and I'll get some pictures unloaded soon... I did go and sit and watch the parades for the 4th of July. Then we went to the park and I sat for the evening in a comfortable chair, watching the different acts that they put on for a show. Let me say, they ALL were amazing. I then saw the best Fireworks show up here ever.

But for now... I'm going to rest. These medications really do kick my butt. Lucky for me, it also makes me numb to another situation that has happened. In time, I'll open up about that one.