Positive Reinforcement is Hard to Find

It's hard.
I haven't been posting, because I haven't been positive or happy. It's par for the course currently... I have a few good days, and the rest... Just sort of blend together and meld, and I don't know how time flies past so damn quickly. But everything mushes together, and days become weeks I've missed. Months I've missed.

It's depressing to think I've spent the past 14 months in this leather recliner. It's depressing to think about the amount of money spent on medications which take the edge off my pain most days, but never really makes it go away. It's depressing knowing I have to depend and rely on others for my survival. It's depressing to not have control of my body the way I want to. I'm not going to lie. Depression is a hard burden to carry. It's heavy, it's lingering, it's there. Looming like a shadow, the proverbial gray rain cloud that's been following me. And it sucks. I think of it very much like one of those Dementor things in Harry Potter- depression sucks the life, the happiness, the joy, the interest out of everything. It's a black hole that sucks everything into it, stretching out its tendrils to reach every possible corner of your mind in an attempt to overtake it and control it with insidious wickedness and thoughts that aren't mine. Not really, but somehow end up in my mind. Things I wouldn't otherwise think of- never giving it a second to enter my mind. But there it sits, it simmers, and I refuse to look it in the face. I don't want that ugliness, that desperation to ever surface. Let me make this clear- I'm not suicidal. I can't say I haven't had thoughts though. Nothing serious, nothing I'd follow through with or even attempt to act out... I'd hurt too many people if I left. Besides, with all the courage I hold- suicide is not an option I'd ever entertain seriously. Ever.

I've been fighting it. One hell of a fight indeed. I know and am aware I don't have the motivation to be up and about like I used to. Not being able to work has been a big hit to my ego, not to mention the social interactions I miss because of it. Good, bad, awful, indifferent- I don't care. One one hand, I miss interacting with people. Yet at the same time- I absolutely despise it. Most days I don't want to put my face on, I don't want to force the smile, pretend I'm alright. I'm not. People piss me off these days. I have absolutely no patience for the rude asshats I see out and about, and if someone acts like a moron I have no qualms about saying such. Most are shocked when I comment, and have no reaction because nobody dares say anything to anyone these days. I walk away while they look like dumb animals with mouths wide open ready to catch flies. I like the shock value. That almost makes it worth going out and trying to hide how disgusted with myself I am. I try to disguise it with my online alter-ego. It's easy to see days I'm not putting much effort into being happy.

It shows in the lack of blog posts. The lack of status updates. The lack of communicating with friends. The lack of me not picking up my phone when calls come in, not answering texts, not responding. I don't throw the towel in on days like that- I just procrastinate procrastinating. It can all be done later. It can wait. It doesn't have to be done right now. Why bother? What's the difference? Nobody cares. Those are my thoughts.

I'm a Total Moron (cussing post)

An epically stupid thing happened a little while ago.

And be forewarned, I cuss a bit in this rant.

What you know: we now have 5 cats.

Mitts died two weeks ago. I miss him so much... But we'll have him back home soon and buried in his favorite spot in the garden.

Ratcat is somewhere hovering around, being paranoid.
Balls, well he's been taking off for days for some reason, and comes home when he feels like it. We're not entirely sure right now if he's inside, or out. Guess we'll find out when it's breakfast time.

Hobbes, was left in the kitchen on his leash for a while tonight. (I'll give an explanation in a moment)

Peeps, has been leashed but around me all day today.

Little Dude (Hobbes and Peeps son), has been hanging out. Luckily, he has no idea what a female cat in heat means, and he's not yet old enough to understand. Thankfully. Yes, he'll be fixed soon.

Problem: I didn't know Hobbes was in the kitchen.

Problem: Peeps is in heat.

Epically Stupid moment: I brought Peeps over to eat, not seeing Hobbes or his leash.

Positive Thinking

I'm working on it.
The Happiness Project, as my friend Ber has introduced it... An ongoing attempt to make each day better than the last. To see myself differently than I do now. How is that? Well... I typically don't talk about myself in terms of feelings. Sure, I tell you how my body feels day to day, many of you know that much at least. But as for mentally? I kind of keep that buried and hidden as best I can, for fear that someone will see just how broken I am. Or at least, how broken I perceive myself to be.

I'm writing this early today, before I have time to really think and mull over what I should exclude, in terms of writing a sanitized post. I don't want it to be fluff. I want it to be raw, bare, and exactly as it's coming out of my brain at the moment. The meds have kicked in, and I'm fuzzy... But determined to get at least something positive out today.

I'm noticing things I do, and how they're not constructive to me as who I am.
I don't take compliments very well. I either brush them off, or flat out deny it. Why do I do this? I'm honestly not really sure. Maybe it's because I feel like I'm vain if I agree I'm beautiful. I simply say I'm pretty. I feel like someone is not really being truthful when they tell me I'm gorgeous. Again, I only think I'm pretty. I'm not skinny, I'm no longer considered "fat". I could stand to lose more weight- but for right now, I've lost 70lbs. I'm considerably lighter than I was last year. That's a big step for me, especially considering I don't get much physical activity into my schedule- and no, swiping on makeup does not count as much as I'd like it to.

My teeth. I'm so self conscious of my teeth. They look stained and yellow to me, yet friends say I should smile more often. I have a beautiful smile. My response to that is simply "It's a work in progress." Yes, I have braces. Yes, my missing tooth up front is making its way down to where it belongs. It's a process. I'm so self conscious of that gap it's not even funny. So when you see me smile close-mouthed, or turning my head so you see the left side of my face... That is why. I don't want you to see that gaping hole.

At my breastbone, I have an awful dip. Most girls have very nice cleavage- boobs are smooth where they emerge from the ribcage. Mine? Nope, I've got a weird one. Not only are my boobs big, but instead of looking normal (take a look at someone like Christina Ricci, or Heidi Klum) and you'll notice they have a beautiful rib cage and a nice "v" (for lack of a better description, since none is coming to mind) where their breasts kind of sit at the middle there. I have an awful gap, and I could only wish mine were as perky as theirs. And heck- look how many kids Heidi's had, and hers still look perfect. Ok, ok, I'll admit. She's most likely had plastic surgery- and if not, great. But there's still a whole lot of airbrushing going on. I'm insecure about it. I don't like it. Neither of my sisters has it. Just me.

I could point out a whole flurry of flaws I see within myself- I hate the bags under my eyes. My fingers aren't long and graceful looking. My right foot looks awful. My left knee has asphalt still in there from a rollerblade crash 10 years ago. I look awful without makeup. My hips are too big, my butt is too jiggly, my thighs are huge, my belly is smaller but still not ideal, I don't like the fat lumps my bra makes when it slides to an incorrect position. I complain, I'm bitchy, ornery, completely unmotivated, a wicked procrastinator and really don't want help even if I could use it. I'm too proud to ask, and usually shoo people away that do try to help. In my head, the emotional abuse I let assault me could go on for days, weeks. Months even. There really isn't much about me that I like right now. I suppose that's because I've allowed myself to get into this mindset of negativity, and with a list like that I could go on and on.

I'm insecure. I'm a bit lost at the moment. But I'm finding my way through each day, out of bed each morning, and sometimes even getting out of the house. I never intended on becoming a recluse, hermit, but I have.

I'm realizing though, I'm not as bad as I think I am. I am my own toughest critic, and it's hard to look in the mirror each day and will myself to make it better than yesterday. I'm determined to do it.

I'm worth more than I give myself credit for. I often tell this to my friends, and even strangers online who have become friends, yet I don't take my own advice. I suppose that makes me a bit of a hypocrite- and it's something that is going to stop.

I started to change yesterday. Today I will continue. And tomorrow will be the same.
I will take something I don't like about myself, and learn to love and accept it for who I am, because without it... I would not be me.

Unhappiness and General Loathing

It's why I haven't posted lately. I haven't found much inspiration to write, nevermind play with makeup. It's been months since I've done a tutorial, and I only do my makeup when I absolutely have to go out. I love receiving it. I love the anticipation of getting a package in the mail. I love opening it up, looking at it in my hands... And then, for some reason, the spark goes out.

Like a puff of smoke, that excitement is gone... Poof.

I'm finding it very hard, day to day, to get up and do something. Anything. You know this, because I've shared it before. I've become far more withdrawn than I'd like to be, in an effort to keep most of you blind to the fact that I'm in pain nearly constantly. I think the only time I'm not is right after nerve blocks are done- when the majority of the pain lessens, and when I take my night medications which knock me out and literally put me into a deep sleep. It's then I rest. The drawback? I no longer dream.

I miss my dreams. Colorful, vibrant, sometimes adventures I have. They've been my escape from the boring, repetitive days I often have. No more, not when I have to medicate and put myself out. I've been fighting insomnia for some time now. Val is the medication at night, and if I don't take it... I don't sleep. I'll literally lay in bed, staring at my ceiling, thoughts in my head going a million miles a minute and not making sense... But not quieting so I can rest. I just let my body lie there. The sounds are loud, I don't sleep without the aid of the medication. I don't like it. I used to be able to fall asleep at the drop of a hat. I used to be able to move when I slept- now when I do, it wakes me.... Painfully. Sometimes I crack, sometimes I pop, sometimes it feels like I have someone standing at my shoulders, another at my feet, and they're pulling an elastic band that starts on my right second and third toe... Tightening up the bottom of my foot, up the back of my heel, up my calf, thigh, right butt cheek, and finally my hip and back area where the spasm still resides. On especially bad nights, it goes as far as my shoulder blade. Chronic pain. The spasm still has not let loose, at all. Same one, over a year now. It's frustrating.

I know I'll get better, but sometimes I wonder. Why is it taking so long already?

A recent episode really troubles me. I was late to my doctor appointment, and the Cow at the front reception desk turned me away. Sat there, argued with me I was late- when I was not. I explained to her that my doctor gave explicit instructions to get to him as soon as possible when I feel something off in my back, or the spasm starts to worsen and I have more pain. It's what I did in this case. The time it took to explain this to her basically used up my "appointment time". She told me I was welcome to sit in the waiting room on the off chance that at some point that afternoon I'd be able to see him. I showed her my cane, explained I've started falling again, and I can't sit in anything upright for any period of time. It has to be a recliner otherwise my back starts to protest even more. She had no compassion, no sympathy, empathy, or anything. Just said so what, if you don't want to wait you don't have to. I had to reschedule, and did such finally giving her back the rude attitude she was spitting at me with. I went in on a Wednesday, she scheduled me for Monday. Apparently there were no other appointments which were available- which was a lie, but that's beside the point. When I asked her for medication samples that I needed, so I don't get worse, she sat there, rolled her eyes and told me to ask my doctor when I came in on Monday.

Let's make a deal...

Let's Make A Deal by Diane Blue
 
You forgive me for liking you too much,
And I'll forgive you for not liking me enough.

You forgive me for missing you so,
And I'll forgive you for being so cold.

You forgive me for the loud racing of my heart,
And I'll forgive you for not hearing it.

You forgive me for playing your games,
And I'll forgive you for toying with my emotions.

You forgive me for finding you so attractive,
And I'll forgive you for not noticing.

You forgive me for raising you up so high,
And I'll forgive you for bringing me down so low.

You forgive me for wanting to be with you,
And I'll forgive you for avoiding me.

You forgive me for being so pathetic,
And I'll forgive you for taking advantage of it.

You forgive me for not being able to let go,
And I'll forgive you for never having latched on.

You forgive me for having hopes and dreams,
And I'll forgive you for crushing them.

Forgiveness brings inner peace.
Do we have a deal?

***

I loved him.

I lost him.

I've vowed to never, ever let it happen again.
I won't be hurt.
I won't be vulnerable.
I won't feel, and it's alright.
I'm ok with it.
I'll laugh again.
I'll like again.
I don't know if I'll ever love again.
I'm not holding my breath, and remains to be seen.
It can't happen if I don't let it.

Restarting the Project

I started, but didn't complete the photographs I had planned on taking. I suppose I have no one to blame but myself, however in my defense... Feeling out of it, generally shitty and having to take and edit photos on top of dealing with the Holidays.... My mind goes elsewhere, as in hibernation, and I slacked off. I didn't post a photo a day like I was going to.

So here's the project for this year. Starting the first of February, I will post for this project again. I'm officially calling it the 52 week project... But if I can somehow juggle everything, and get a photo a day done... Than great... I will do such. The biggest motivators for me are putting me into something I know I have to get done. This will be one of those items.

I'm not sure where I'm going next with this disability battle... I have a feeling I may be taking action against both the disability company that has now twice denied me benefits, and the doctor who overdosed me on some seriously bad medication without a second thought. Indeed, this is the same doctor who claimed "Nothing is wrong" with me. Really sir, you're telling me the picture below tells you... There's nothing wrong with me?

Let me tell you something. Just because an injury doesn't present itself immediately after trauma, doesn't mean there isn't anything there or wrong. In some cases, it can take quite a long time for a problem to present itself... As it's done with me.

Just because you have a degree from some bullshit medical school, and the fact that you most likely kissed ass during your residency at Mass General doesn't mean you know what my body is feeling and telling me based upon one consultation. My biggest question is if you thought nothing was wrong, why was I put on a seizure controlling and pain management medication- on a dose that would cause damage to an adult?  Personally, asshole, I think it's because you get kickbacks from insurance and disability companies to give false information so the claims are denied.

Luckily, I believe in Karma. And trust me, what goes around will come around.

And you'll face what you've done to not only me, but how ever many other patients you've left dangling in the breeze.

As for the disability company which will remain nameless for the time being... I should have trusted the opinions and facts left in countless forums online absolutely bashing you for the careless, inconsiderate and cold way you treat us disabled people.

That's enough of a rant for now.

Oh, and on a funny side note. I was watching TV late one night last week, and my Ma and I happened to catch an episode of Judge Joe Brown. One of the cases involved a woman who was not only white trash, but was on full disability. She didn't appear to have anything wrong- there was no outward signs of an evident disability. When questioned what she had received full coverage for.... I hit the roof.

She's dyslexic.

I can see how it might be a reading, or speech, problem she may have. But her temper got the best of her, and she was slinging words around like the best of 'em. Luckily the Judge shut her up... But really?

I have a four inch thick file documenting problems I've had with my back for the past 5 years, and the additional mountain of forms my Doctor has been kind enough to fill out. It's been determined that the crash I was in back in March of 2007 hastened the genetic disposition I have to Arthritis and Degenerative Disc Disease in the lumbar area of my back. It's also been noted that I have Failed Back Syndrome- even though I have not had surgery, it can still be diagnosed- and it's the reason I'm in the state I am now.

You try walking around, and feeling your spine slip and slide out of place.

You feel what it's like to have one of the vertebrae "pop", and make an audible sound.

You take an hour in the morning to stretch before getting out of bed.

You deal with the medications, the paperwork, the bullshit red tape.

I'll tell you what though.... You picked the wrong person to make "go away".

I'm not going to do it. I haven't thus far, and I'm sure not going to start now.

Zombies

I'm not drugged out and feeling like one as often any more... But I freaking LOVE this dress. Sure I'm forgetful, sure things slip my mind and I end up looking at you as if you've got three heads when something I don't remember is brought up. It's better than a blank stare, right?

Image from TooFastOnline

Thanks for listening to me vent the other day. It was rough, but I'm doing better today. The sun's out, I found this awesome Zombie Dress... And it rocks.

Struggling

I've been fighting words the past few weeks, I don't know how to talk. I don't know how to say it. So I'll just tell it as it forms. I don't know how to not break down...

Slowly, I'm cracking. Slowly, the fissures open up further and further... The pressure, the stress, the frustration and outright anger pushing them open more and more.

My "Merry Christmas" came in the form of a letter from the disability company I've been fighting with on December 27th. While my Christmas with my family was great, this was news I was hoping would be better this time around. The envelope was thick, a few pages of paper. I opened it... Started to read... Scanned for what I was looking for, but instead found...

Denied.

Again. I've been fighting with M for months. Hell, a few more and we can call it a year. Between me doing all the footwork for their lazy, brainless, insincere and cold uncaring treatment from the beginning, and this second devastating blow, I broke. I cried, for a long time. It was days before I decided I should wear something other than PJ's around the house. Days before I could come up with a reason, any reason, to get out of bed. Days before I ventured outside. Even this morning, it was a monumental effort to drag myself out of bed to come downstairs. I have very little interest in anything lately.

Happiness is fleeting. I have good days, I have bad days. I have really bad days. Each is consisting of a various amount of things- including pain level, stress level, mental state, motivation... Blah blah blah. When I have one, typically it's ok to plaster on a smile and will myself to feel better. Two or more, and I let myself just melt into my chair... Computer on my lap, not really paying attention to what's on my screen.... And let the hours tick away. Wasting time, so much that by the time my eyelids droop, my eyes sting, and my head is foggy... I finally retreat to bed.

This not working, not being active, not doing much of anything is so unlike me.

I'm used to working. I'm used to be go-go-going. This fog, this pain, this entire thing I've become so comfortably numb with is slowly eating me away. I hate it.

Can you imagine how hard it is to sit up, roll out of bed. To look into a mirror and see a body that should be functioning with little problem. A body that should be skiing down a mountain slope, not curled into a recliner at an odd angle trying to find that "sweet spot" which is comfortable. A body which does not do what I want it to. Painful spasms, kinks, contractions which hurt. Feeling like I've sat down on a baseball on good days, and a cantelope on bad. The really bad days... I don't have a comparable object. Sort of like the Princess and the Pea.... Except mine's stuck in my friggen back. Multiple places.

I've shocked some people with my appearance. I've lost 60 lbs since I came home. I'm noticeably thinner, even when I do wear bulky clothing. I know it's a compliment when people tell me I look good... Mostly, I don't disagree. But look at the cost of my new figure. Months of being off my feet. A misdiagnosis from multiple doctors, an overdose of a heavy duty medication from a supposed neurologist. Musical-chairs with medications, trying combinations of this and that to see what works... What alleviates my pain, what alleviates the spasms, what will put me into manageable condition where I can partially function. I've found part of the answer now- with the help of Dr. C. It's only been since the end of September I've been able to say I'm not in a drug-induced medication fog. Not completely, at any rate. I'm impaired enough that I still cannot drive. That, for me, was my freedom. Get in the vehicle, drive a while. Think, calm down, see the big picture. Escape for a while. Now I'm just a passenger wherever I go. Though, I have to admit I like that my ass doesn't spread across the entire width of the seat anymore, and I do like that.

When I do smile, when I do laugh... I try to hold on to it for as long as I can. I want to be the silly, quirky, bubbly person I was just a year ago. I paint my makeup on so I can find happiness in it. I try to feel better...

But some days it's just too much effort.

200 Random Questions Survey

It's been a while since I last updated, I've been pretty busy and absent minded as usual. I thought a little reintroduction to myself would be ok to do- considering I haven't really been around in a while.

1. Who is your oldest friend? How long have you known them?

Kristen S. I've known her since 3rd grade.

2. Would you date someone you met online?
Probably not. You don't know what kind of a creep you're talking to.

3. What's your favorite song?
I have too many to list.... However, "Unchained Melody" is one of them.

4. Do you get along with your parents?
Yes, I do.

5. What are you wearing right now?
My pj's. It's Sunday, I'm allowed. Comfy pj pants and a long-sleeved t-shirt from Martha's Vineyard.

6. Yahoo or Google?
Google

7. Do you have any piercings?
My ears, and a tongue stud.

8. Have you ever cut yourself?
By accident, yes.

9. Have you ever been on the radio?
I don't believe so.

10. What does the world need less of?
Violence and stupidity go hand in hand.

11. Cappuccino or coffee?
Coffee- from Dunkin Donuts.

12. Chocolate or vanilla?
Chocolate all the way!

13. Do you study the Bible?
No. I don't.

14. Where did you go to school?
I went to school first in MA, and graduated from high school in CT.

15. How much do you weigh?
About 170. I don't look it, and I don't mind it. I'm a curvy girl. More chicks should be comfortable in their skin no matter how much they weigh.... True beauty comes from accepting yourself and being comfortable in your own skin. As I am.

16. Are you registered to vote?
Yes, and I DO vote.

17. Do you like yourself?
Not lately. I'm frustrated my body isn't cooperating with me, but I am making slow progress. I've become hermity and depressed, and I'm trying not to be.

18. Have you ever gone skinny dipping?
Yes. But I'm not telling you where.

19. Last time you were really really mad?
Ummm, that would be at the state governor and the former Democrat .

20. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Finishing up watching "The Devil's Advocate", and then went to bed.

21. Do animals go to Heaven?
I believe they go somewhere other than here. If you choose to call it Heaven, then that's where they go.

22. Kleenex or Puffs?
Puffs. They have the healing soft aloe in 'em so I don't end up looking like lizard nose.

23. Dominos or Pizza Hut?
Pizza Hut- I love their breadsticks.

24. Do you get enough exercise?
I can't do any right now. Or at the very least, minimal. It sucks.

25. What is your favorite female name?
I have a few, but in case I have children, I don't want to say :) Nobody get's my baby's names. IF I have any... Until they're born.

26. Do you drink alcohol?
Occasionally. The medications I'm on aren't really conducive to drinking. I prefer my tea.

27. Have you ever been drunk?
Oh yes, many a time. Mostly in my younger years.

28. Have you ever been on a motorcycle?
Yes, and once I'm better... I'm getting one.

29. Right handed? Left handed? Both?
Right handed to write. Ambidextrous for most everything else.

30. Do you think you're attractive?
I think I'm pretty, but not super-model worthy.

31. When do you get up?
Whenever I can manage to crawl out of bed.

32. What's your favorite movie?
I have way too many...

33. One rumor that's been spread about you:
Haven't been any lately, because I haven't been socializing.

34. Have you ever been dumped?
Yes. And he didn't even have the balls to do it face to face.

35. Have you ever been hit on by the same sex?
Yes, a few times. It's quite flattering, but not my cup of tea so to speak. And I tell girls who I think are pretty just as much as well.

36. Do you like taking surveys?
I'm outrageously bored today. My back hurts, and I don't want to get up out of my chair yet.

37. Orange juice or apple juice?
Apple cider.

38. What's your favorite band?
Nine Inch Nails.

39. TV or movie?
Movie- specifically DVD's. It's too friggen expensive to go out and see a stupid movie now.

40. Do you consider yourself religious?
Not by most people's perception.

41. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?
More times than I'd like to admit.

42. What kind of music do you hate?
Most rap, grunting and groaning heavy metal, and twangy country.

43. Have you ever done yoga?
No, I haven't yet.

44. What's your favorite store? 

Any place that sells shoes or jewelry.

45. Say something annoying.
"Something annoying"

46. Who did you last talk to?
Meem. She's over at the kitchen table.

47. What is your hair color?
Red & Black.

48. Where do you live?
With my parents for now, until I can get 100% fixed up and back to normal.

49. Do you like walks in the park?
They're alright.... Can't do them now, I'd hurt myself.

50. Mints or chewing gum?
Mints. I have braces- no gum for me!!

51. Have you ever made out with just a friend?
No.

52. Do you believe in spontaneous combustion?
Not spontaneous. If I see someone do it, then I'll alter my opinion.

53. Do you get annoyed easily?
That depends on whether or not I'm PMS-ing, or if I'm already in a bad mood. Typically? No.

54. Have you ever been late to work because of myspace?
Never

55. Do you still use film for cameras?
I have a digital camera.

56. Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea?
Lipton.

57. Have you ever smoked?
I quit cigarettes.

58. Have you ever prayed to Bhudda?
No. But I have rubbed a Bhudda belly for good luck.

59. Would you be president if you could?
Yes. Maybe I could help this fucked up economy.
 

60. Land or water?
Water. I love water. I'm a Pisces- I'm at home and most comfortable near it.

61. Have you ever searched for your own name on Google? 

Yes.

62. Have you ever been toilet papering?
No, I'd feel too guilty.

63. Watching or playing sports?
Watching. I'm too small to play.... I'd get road-killed!

64. Is there happiness in slavery?
If you're talking about the NIN song, then YES.

65. What is your favorite name?
I don't think I have one?

66. Hot or cold?
Both.

67. What is your favorite number?

21

68. Would you go rock climbing?
Sure, once I'm better and I know I'm in good physical shape that my body could handle it.

69. Would you try to take over the world?
Yes. LOL.... Pinky and The Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain...

70. Why do you admire people?
The ones I admire have good qualities that I share.

71. What is the last thing you said to someone?
"I don't smell burning paper."
 

72. Would you go skydiving?
No. My luck, the chute wouldn't open.

73. Have you ever peed your pants after age 8?
No. I potty trained well.

74. Do you hate yourself?
Some days I dislike myself, but I don't hate myself.

75. Do you smile a lot?
Not as often as I used to... I should. I just don't feel happy much of the time.

76. Have you ever been abducted by aliens?
If I have been, they erased my memory and I have no recollection.

77. Would you chug beer? 

No, I like to sip my beers. And only the good stuff.
 

78. What's your favorite drink?
Kahlua or Bailey's, on the rocks.

79. Have you ever broken a bone?
Not that I've worn a cast for. I badly sprained or may have fractured my two pinkies.

80. Favorite age you have been so far?
When I was 24, and I had someone I let go that I shouldn't have. But... Everything happens for a reason, and things still haven't changed. So I'm sad it's over- but I deserve someone that will make me happy.

81. Cars or boats?
Both.

82. Would you be my friend?
Um, who's asking?

83. Favorite day of the week?
Every day is the same to me. Unfortunately. It's been that way for 7 months. And not much longer if I can get better quickly.

84. Have you ever beat someone up?
Yes. Nobody ever messed with me after that.

85. Would you have plastic surgery?
No, I'm happy with what I have.

86. Have you ever seen Nine Inch Nails in concert?
YES!!!!! <3 <3 <3 <3

87. Have you ever kissed someone in the rain?
Yes. It's sexy.

88. Who have you met online?
My online friends are just that- online. Many of them are fellow crafters. We're fun.
 

89. Do you read much?
Yes. I typically have 2-3 books going at the same time.

90. Are you afraid of the dark?
No. I'm not.

91. Have you ever been to a concert?
Yes, many of them... All fun!

92. Would you eat sushi?
I make my own sushi! nom nom nom nom!!!!!!!

93. Do you like the band Nine Inch Nails? 

Redundant question. Yes, I LOVE them.

94. Do you have any collections?
Collections of what? Bras? Yes. Undies? Yes. Socks? Yes. Fairys? Yes. DVD's? A few. What other collections should I have?

95. Are you color blind?
No.

96. How much cash do you have right now? 

HAH. Hardly any. That's what happens when you're out of work because of a severe medical condition, short term disability is denied and you have to appeal, and can't go back to work or else can sustain permanent injury. It's friggen irritating.

97. Who is your newest friend?
MMmmm..... My online gal pals :)
 

98. Do you smoke?
I quit. From time to time, I'll have a puff of a cigarette, but otherwise.... I don't touch 'em anymore. I don't want 'em.
 

99. What is something you wish you were better at?
Being in a relationship that lasts longer than just a few months.

100. Last phone call?
Ummmm.... Feline.

101. What was the last compliment you received?
I have beautiful eyes.

102. Name one person you love, and why:
I can't name just one person. My family- because they're all here for me when I need them. My friends, because they are too.

103. Would you lie to your best friend?
No. Not unless it was a little white lie to cover up a surprise.

104. Tofu or bacon?
I like both, but I'll take the bacon please.

105. Who do you talk to most on IM?
I don't have IM. I use FB chat, but that's about it.

106. Are you a health freak?
Nope. But I try to keep a balanced diet.
 

107. Explain what you think about abortion.
I don't think it should be used as a form of birth control, and for "oops" moments. Abortion kills a child. However, if it's a product of rape, incest, or the child will have severe birth defects that will kill it shortly after birth if it even survives- I think it's the woman's choice (and in the case of birth defects, the father's as well) as to what she will do.

My personal opinion is that life begins at conception- even though it's a glob of cells dividing, it's the miracle of life that's beginning.
 

108. Have you ever been arrested?
Never.
 

109. What was the last insult you GAVE?
*flips off woman on cell phone blocking traffic because she's not paying attention* "Go back home you @*#&$)! Mass-hole!!!!!"
 

110. Favorite comic strip?
Calvin & Hobbes
 

111. Why do you like the music you do?
I listen to a wide array of music. I lifts my spirits, makes me feel better, and makes me want to dance- even though I can't right now.
 

112. What do you think of reality TV? 

STOOOOOOOOOOPID.
 

113. What do you call those little plastic things on the ends of shoelaces? 

They have a formal name??
 

114. Do you sleep naked?
Not typically.

115. Hug or kiss?
I don't like it when people touch me. I like to initiate, but it's ok if some people hug/kiss me. Just don't surprise me... You might get slapped by accident.
 

116. Would you flip off the pope?
If he did something stupid, yes.
 

117. Would you set yourself on fire?
No, I'm not that much of a jokester.

118. Do you like dogs?
Yes, but I'm a total cat person.

119. Do you love someone?
I love my family.
 

120. Your crush's first name: 

Trent. 

121. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
"Another day, I look like shit.*sighs*"

122. Yoga or pilates?
Pilates is fun.

123. Have you ever danced in public?
Of course. When I can move, I got some good ones!

124. Ocean or pool?
Ocean. Nothing beats hot sand, bright sun, seashells, waves crashing on the beach, salty air.

125. What is your favorite sport to watch?
Football and Ice Hockey!

126. What is your biggest fear? 

It's a tie between Spiders and Clowns.

127. When do you go to bed? 

Whenever I can manage to fall asleep and stay that way.

128. Who do you talk to most on the phone? 

My doctor's receptionists.

129. Do you find dead people interesting?
Some of them.
 

130. Logic or art? 

Both.

131. What does the world need more of?
Understanding. Common sense. Compassion.

132. Do you brush and floss?
Yes.

133. Do you like to learn? 

I try to learn something new each day.

134. Would you run from the police? 

I can't run... lol

135. Have you ever been camping?
I love to go camping! Just can't do it in the condition I'm in now... Hopefully, next summer.

136. Lace or satin? 

Lace over Satin.

137. Have you ever written a song?
No.

138. Have you ever missed a meal because you were busy on myspace?
No, I hardly bother with that site anymore. Too many freaking ads.

139. Emily Dickinson or Walt Whitman? 

Both excellent writers. I can't choose.

140. McDonalds or Burger King? 

Neither one. I saw how chicken nuggets are made, so now I'm afraid of what's in the burgers. The apple pies are potatoes!!!!

141. Do you like dancing?
Yes, but I can't do it. Yet.
 

142. Coke or Pepsi?
Pepsi

143. Favorite country?
My own- America!
 

144. Shorts or pants?
Jeans.
 

145. Have you been on drugs?
Currently on prescription ones. It's all legal.

146. Do you want to have kids?
I'm undecided. I'd like to, but I think I'm getting too old now. Besides- I don't want to settle down just for the sake of having kids. That's unfair to them.

147. Do you want to get married?
Maybe someday.
 

148. Are you a vegetarian?
No. I'm an omnivore. I love my meat AND veggies. I'm not at the top of the food chain to eat like a rabbit.

149. Do you know how to drive a car? 

Of course I do. I prefer driving trucks though.

150. Happy or depressing music?
Depends on my mood.

151. What is your eye color?
Blue. They change colors- I go from light, to medium, to dark, and there's a ring of violet close to my pupil which is kinda cool.
 

152. Would you drop out of school or quit your job?
I never dropped out of school, and I've quit a couple jobs.
 

153. Do you believe that animals have souls?
Yes.

154. Do you hate someone? 

Yes, I do.

155. Do you ever use your full name? 

It depends what for.
 

156. Have you ever shoplifted?
No. I'm too afraid of being caught.

157. Have you ever been in a movie?
Do youtube videos count?

158. Do you have a bad life?
No. I'm just having some difficulty with it these past 8 months.
 

159. Favorite city?
Boston. My hometown.... I <3 it!

160. Would you give money to a hobo?
Yes. Some of them.

161. What is the perfect day for you?
When I wake up and I'm not in pain. And perhaps finding someone I want to be the last thing I see at night, and first thing when I wake in the morning.
 

162. Are you a neat freak?
I plead the 5th.

163. Have you ever fallen in love with a neighbor?
Nope.

164. Are you ghetto?
Hahaha, no.

165. If you had to get married now, who would you want to marry?
I don't have to say.

166. Group or single dates?
Both are fun, and both should be done in equal parts.

167. Last time you used the bathroom? 

A while ago.

168. Have you ever considered suicide?
Yes. During some bad spells. But... Someone always has it worse off than I do, and committing suicide would only hurt my family. The sun comes up each day- and it's each a new one to make things better.

169. Do you know how to drive stick?
Yes, it's fun! And I even know how to drive it without using the clutch!

170. Have you ever asked someone out?
Most of my boyfriends I have.

171. Would you date someone younger than you?
I have. But never more than a year younger than me.
 

172. Have you ever been to a different country?
Just up to Canada so far.
 

173. What is your favorite flavor in general?
Peach, or pistachio.

174. When you wake up, what is the first thing you think? 

I wanna sleep just a little while longer....
 

175. Do you get motion sickness?
No.

176. How tall are you? 

5'2''
 

177. Do you like the band Radiohead?
They've got some good songs.

178. Explain what you think about dating.

Heh. I'm close to giving up. It sucks sometimes, because you allow yourself to be vulnerable and open up to the other person- and a lot of times it's not reciprocated. And then they hurt you by tearing your guts out. But not everyone does that.
 

179. Favorite type of shoe? 

Heels. I just can't wear them for now.

180. Have you ever gone streaking?
No.

181. Do you believe in yourself?
Yes, I do.

182. Do you own a camera phone?
Duh. I think they're all pretty much camera phones LOL

183. Do you want to go to college?
I have been, I just didn't graduate. I'll go back for an esthetician's license though.

184. Who do you want to meet?
Whomever comes into my life.

185. Have you ever sworn?
Often. I need to stop...

186. Have you ever gone to a private school?
No, I haven't.

187. Have you ever kissed someone?
Duh, of course I have.

188. Do you believe in love at first sight?
No. Lust at first sight is the more accurate term.

189. Have you ever performed on stage?
Yes, when I was younger. It was cute.

190. How do you vent anger?
I cry. I used to go out and drive around. Listen to music. Talk to my parents.

191. Why are they called fingers if they don't fing?
Stupid question!!

 

192. Have you ever skipped school?
Yep.... And I got caught... So I got in-school suspensions.

193. Do you own a car?
An SUV

194. Who is your favorite celebrity? 

I don't have one.

195. Do you hold grudges?
It depends on what's done to make me angry.... Sometimes I let it go, others I don't.

196. Do you wear glasses?
I have them, but I don't wear them as often as I should. I don't want my eyes to get worse.

197. What's your family like? 

Awesome. Silly. Funny. LOUD. Bickery. We're fun.

198. Have you ever been on a road trip? 

Yeah, kind of.

199. What does your name mean?
Worthy of being loved, Friend.
 

200. Last time you saw your dad?
About 2 miliseconds ago- he's cooking something at the stove.

 

It's been a while....

Since I've posted, and I apologize.
There's a lot going on.... And while I've been kept busy with some things, there are others that just reduce me to a lazy, sleepy slug that just doesn't want to be social.
I've failed epically on my picture a day for a year project. I'm going to start it over. Soon.

I just wanted to check in and let you know I'm doing ok.... I'll write more tomorrow.
xoxo ~*SP

Progress...

I had another Dr. C appointment, and I woke up completely twisted and kinked the wrong way. Pain on a scale from 1-10 was maintaining at 5. He immediately saw the way I was sitting, felt my back, and said "You're tighter than a tight drum... Let's go..."

Off to the manipulation room we go... And he has me lay down. It was nerve block day. He didn't want to adjust me before the blocks, so we went through all the usual- release form, benefits, pros and cons, and he got the needle. Now... I'm not afraid of needles, as I've been stuck with them so many times before, it's like a little pain prick and it's gone. I've had many hospital visits because of my chronic asthma, and I'm also a blood donor when I'm well and not on medication. To divide off here for a moment, it's really upsetting to me I can't donate blood right now because of the medications I'm taking. *pout* I'll be well someday- and I'll pick back up then. Anyways- first up was mapping which nerves were the most inflamed. This was the most hurtful, excruciating painful part of the process- as he had to use his fingers and push into my back. If you remember correctly, I can lay on that portion of my back on memory foam, or a soft chair/couch, but anything harder than a light pressure on that spot of my back is like sticking a hot fire poker into my flesh. Yes- that bad.

He was kind enough to find the outer nerves first, there were two, before moving to the inner ones. They were the worst- forcing my muscles into a spasm that won't let go, because it's so inflamed and painful. So in go his fingertips- which I'm sure had he touched any other part of my back wouldn't have hurt at all- and I nearly jumped off the table. I wanted to scream, but I buried my head in the pillow and grabbed the sides of the table to concentrate on not moving. This happened a few times, since he needed to pinpoint where these suckers were- and as it turns out, there were two badly inflamed ones within this section too.

He went and got the medicine, and came back with a needle that made me think twice. Even though he had given me one block before (just one area), I hadn't seen the needle last time- only my parents did. I just concentrated on relaxing as much as I could. Signed the release form, and here we go. He started at the top of the affected area, right above my right hip, and moved down. The medicine stung a bit going in, but the pinpricks of the needle going through my skin bothered me this time- and my Dr. quipped that I was "thick skinned". I laughed to myself, because if I had moved, it would risk him losing control of the needle and either ending up in the wrong place or hitting the nerve itself. I'm proud to say, even though it hurt... I stayed absolutely still. I concentrated on how my hands felt on the table... He finished with the 4th shot, then my leg was cold. I thought it was just me.

Dr. C had me roll to my side, then picked up my leg. It didn't hurt as bad... It worked! Success! He was able to adjust me, since all four of my vertebrae from L3 to S1 were out of place- of course, causing me pain and keeping the inflammation high. While the spasm really hadn't released much, he was able to adjust me to get all four back in- which he hasn't been able to do at all up until this point. I was relaxed enough through my lower back now, with the aide of the block, for him to move me.

Then the test... Of whether or not I could walk ok. So I got up hesitantly, and took a few steps. My leg was still really cold- and he said it was normal, the chilly feeling would wear off in a few days. I still felt twinges and pain, but it wasn't nearly as bad. Going through the pain beforehand completely wiped me out, which is why I didn't do anything but sit in my chair for the rest of the day.

This morning, I've noticed while I don't really have the constant pain which is sharp in that section of my back, I've got a dull throbbing ache instead. The difference is that it's bearable. For the first time since this whole thing started 6 months ago, it's bearable- and I'm not medicated to high heaven, not in a fog. Not useless. I still am noticing a slight amount of pain down my leg- but again, nothing like it had been. I think because I had felt it so long, I didn't notice how bad it really was. Coupled with the new medication I'm on, which blocks the pain receptors from getting pain signals, it's a welcome relief to feel like this. I just hope a sneeze doesn't slip anything out of place in my back- which has been happening. I've noticed I'm a little straighter, but I'm still favoring my right side, because it does continue to hurt a little. I'm really hoping this block works more than 6 weeks- which was the average the other one lasted... Even though they're supposed to last 6 months. Aye.

I'd say we're starting to finally make progress in the forward direction. Pain level is 2 today. Leg is still cold though.. Hah.

Day 42 - Candy Corn Eyes

Day 42 - Candy Corn Eyes, originally uploaded by The Snarky Princess.

I was absolutely, unequivocally, without a doubt self loathing and miserable today. Right back to the red lipstick, AGAIN, to bring my mood up.

It's like a swipe of the color fixes a lot of things. It then inspired me to finish my face- and I came up with a new eye look inspired by fall. Candy Corn inspired eyes. The heavy black shadow really makes the colors pop- for an unusual look. Harsh, bright colors brought my mood up instantly.

My father didn't like it.

I just smiled.

Day 41 - Bite the Rose

Day 41 - Bite the Rose, originally uploaded by The Snarky Princess.

I needed to feel better.
No motivation- yet again. So I broke out the red lipstick, since I can't wear my high heels. I think it worked quite nicely.

A black rose to compliment my mood was perfect.

Never Forget.

3 Firemen Raising American Flag at Ground Zero. Image from thatsrightnate.com

Yesterday, it really bothered me what our current "president" was discussing in his over an hour-long press conference. Aside from not really answering questions asked in any way, shape or form, and instead reiterating his agenda, how great his policies are, how his administration is changing things drastically, blah blah, blah... It really stung when I heard, yet again, what he is trying to make today. Attempting to declare September 11 a day of "national service" devoted to cleaning up parks, roadways, neighborhoods- volunteer for the bettering of our communities.

Photo by Michael Macor. Image from Chronicle, articles.sfgate.com

I'm sorry- but this "national service day" should not be reserved for a day 2,977 American Citizens were murdered by extremists. (I do not count the hijackers in amongst the victims) Volunteer work should be done year-round, not just on 9/11. Today is a day to honor those who died. For the fathers, brothers, mothers, daughters, aunts & uncles, children, grandchildren, cousins and friends of ours who died. A day to mourn the brave rescue teams- both the Police and Fire Departments, and other rescue crews who arrived on scene- who tried to save as many people as they could- many of them losing their lives to do so. Today is a day to remember, never to be forgotten. It seems to me that many already have. While I think the first few anniversaries of 9/11 were a little over-exposed by the media weeks in advance... Now, it's like they've saved it all only to be mentioned today. The actual day. I was horrified and disgusted in D.C. last year- that while I observed a minute of silence at the four times:

8:46 for Flight 11

9:03 for Flight 175

9:38 for Flight 77

10:10 for Flight 93

Nobody around me observed the same as I did. I know I can't force anyone to, but I suppose I'm old fashioned and expected people to show respect for 4 minutes out of their day. Is it really too much to ask? It sickens me to think that some of the people out there think of this as just another day of the year. It happened 9 years ago, what's the big deal? Well... The big deal is that over three thousand of our fellow American brothers and sisters were murdered.

Do you think their families will ever forget? Parents, siblings, spouses, cousins never coming home. Pictures, memorials set up in a sign of respect for those that died. Reminding us to never forget. I don't think, in my personal opinion, it's right to desecrate their memory by acknowledging this "day of service". A mother, raising a child that never knew its father. A father, raising a child on his own that was too young to remember its mother. Holiday events, where family comes together... Missing someone, forever. A gathering of friends to celebrate an event- missing one or more people. Tears are cried each year, I'm sure... The same way I imagine that people share the best stories about their absent loved ones in an attempt to at least smile and appreciate the good times they shared. To reminisce about the time, albeit short, they had together.

That morning, I had just poured my Mother and I a cup of coffee, and my Dad had literally just left for work 10 minutes prior. They had gone to a football game over the weekend and in Pennsylvania, coming back through New York on Monday, the 10th. Of course, they came straight home even though it was a long ride. They joked about how one of these days they'd have to visit NYC and take time going through the city. Coffees in hand, Mom and I sat down in front of the TV watching Good Morning America, with me listening to her telling me the funny stories that arose out of being Patriots fans down in Philly Eagles territory. All in good fun, of course.

In between bouts of laughter, and sipping coffee, we then heard Matt Lauer stutter, and announce a breaking story. It was then the cameras cut to the first tower. Mom and I immediately turned to the TV and watched- like statues- the burning building. What happened? What could have caused that fire, that gaping hole in the side... No, sides of the building. There were fluttering things coming down from all three sides- paper? It must have been. We watched. Matt then said there were unconfirmed reports that a plane had hit the tower, but it was thought to be a small aircraft. No commercial breaks at this point, the cameras were fixated on the tower that was burning away so furiously. White papers still fluttering to the ground, almost like it was slow motion. Then the reports came in that it was indeed a plane, but not a small one like originally thought- it was a commercial airliner jet full of passengers that were aboard.

While we were listening to Matt and Katie Couric trying to sift through the papers and notes which were being passed to them, with their occasional comments... I couldn't help but think this was a sick, sick joke. It had to be. The building couldn't actually be burning- it just wasn't possible. I was trying to convince myself that it was just a movie effect, and someone was pulling a cruel prank. And then, as Mom and I continued to watch, the second plane hit. We watched in horror as it came out of the sky, and deliberately hit the second tower and explode. Matt and Katie were silent. The person on the other end of their news feed cussed. We started crying.

Second hit. Image from topnews.in

We watched it as the fireball erupted from where the plane crashed into the building, spewing papers and office materials out of the broken windows. I remember hoping that the people on those floors didn't have time to see what happened... And I hoped that they died quickly so that they wouldn't feel pain. Matt and Katie both tried to speak, their words stuck in their throats, and then started to tear up. I think, collectively, anyone that was watching TV at this point, or there in NYC, were already starting to mourn. It was that moment I realized this wasn't a joke- the towers were burning because two planes were purposely flown into them. What will be next? Boston? San Fransisco? D.C.? Houston? Chicago? What's next?

Lady Liberty Mourns. Photo from wikipedia.org

Glued to the TV, and I was the only one with a cell phone at that point. My Dad hated them, and he was on his 2 hour trip to work... No way to get ahold of him until he arrived to his office. Maybe the radio had broken to make a special announcement, and maybe it hadn't. Then it hit me. My parents had been in NYC yesterday- the 10th. I cried even harder. My coffee was cold. I didn't want to get up and heat it up- I was glued to the television. A phone call, an architect friend. He was crying too... Mom and him talked for a while, and through the tears I heard her catch her breath. "If they're lucky, they'll have an hour, they're going to fall" the friend said.

"No, really? They look so... Permanent. I thought they built those to protect from fire?" Mom started...

"With a normal fire, yes. But this is jet engine fuel, and the way it's burning it's going to super-heat and melt the core of the building and they're both going to fall... They don't have long." our friend said.

I tuned out at that point, not wanting to hear this. It was bad enough the planes hit the buildings, they can't disappear. They're what makes the skyline of NYC just that- unique. Mom finished the conversation, and I got us some more coffee. We were glued to the TV. Then we see dark things falling down from the buildings, papers flying out the sides of the towers had stopped. What, are they dumping office equipment out? Then shapes... Oh my god. People are jumping out of the windows, to escape the flames. There's nothing below to catch them... To escape the fire they're jumping out of the windows... I broke down. These people were trapped- the lack of stairs to get down from the upper floors, the smoke and lack of oxygen, and fire in the building were blocking access for rescue teams from below, and the flames and smoke were making it impossible to rescue by extraction on those upper levels- the doors to access the rooftops were locked. Those people were in an oven. I didn't know tears could flow out of my eyes at the rate they were going.

Pentagon. Image from bernan.com

Matt started talking again- a report of another plane being hijacked, this one had crashed into the Pentagon. Who could orchestrate this kind of attack?! What the hell is going on?? Then crumbling.... The first tower hit, WTC 2, was simply gone. It crumbled down, like an accordion.Our friend was right. 56 minutes, the building was decimated. The other one would go soon. 

Shanksville, PA crash site. Image from readerrant.capitolhillblue.com

Reports came through again, a fourth plane crashed into a field in Pennsylvania. Speculation that it was headed for somewhere in DC- the White House, The Capitol Building, someplace important. I sat there, close to my Mom. Both of us crying, flipping the channels, same news on every station. Not even a half hour later- the second tower, WTC 1, collapses.

Emerging from the Ash. Image from babylon911.com

What few media personnel, and civilians, that were inside that zone... Watching as the building fell and the tidal wave of dust and debris overtook everyone on the street. Everyone was the same gray color, walking around in complete shock or hysteria, trying to get out, get away. Those people in the buildings... Are gone. The people in the streets are covered in ash from what burned inside the building, compounds, chemicals. They were covered in the ashes of the people that were burned alive. I wished this wasn't true, I was having a nightmare and I'd wake up. It couldn't have happened like this... Everyone ducking for cover, in a doorway, beside or under a vehicle, running like hell down the streets. Crying. Screaming. Silent. Lost. Bloodied. The cameras overcome by the dust blotted out and only saw specks of ash and debris. We could hear people crying, screaming, running away. Alarms the firefighters wear to locate one another- but we couldn't see them even though the camera was still rolling.

The news stations simultaneously showed the enormous ash cloud of where the Towers had stood this morning, just hours ago, and the burning wreck in the side The Pentagon that was hit. Nothing broadcast about the plane in Pennsylvania... They weren't sure if there were survivors there yet. They quickly confirmed that none had survived.

The following morning, I remember seeing the rescue crews set up just a few blocks away from the Trade Centers in NY, beds, medical equipment, and personnel there ready to help injured people inside tents, in an effort to keep the dust and debris out. Then seeing them again, in shock that hardly anyone was brought to them- just those people that had managed to get out of the buildings, or into the streets. My Mom said "They don't need them... Not that many, there won't be enough bodies. This is going to be a search for remains... If they find anyone alive, they'll be very lucky." I knew she was right... But I hoped. Like millions of other people, I hoped some of those people would be ok. As a nation we all did.

WTC September 16, 2001. Taken by USGS field crew members.Todd Hoefen & Greg Swayze

The air was dusty for weeks on end. Lights lit up the area, and it was absolutely haunting. It's a graveyard. The site where the World Trade Centers sat. The wing of The Pentagon which was hit. The field where the fourth plane crashed. They're graveyards. I watched as this unfolded. As I realized many of my friends lost family, and friends, to these attacks. I know not everyone remembers this day- especially the younger children and those born since then... But it's still my opinion that this not be declared a day of service.

It is a day of remembrance.

It is a day to honor all those who died.

It is a day to honor the families and friends of the people murdered.

It is a day to mourn.

Image from redgreenandblue.org

During the Christmas Season that year, I volunteered for the Polar Express at the time. The guy that runs the event extended an invitation to all the families that had lost a member to come stay at a hotel which was complimentary donated, and tickets to the event were also free. Only about 40 families showed up. Most of them were Mothers with small children. Since we volunteered to be Chefs on the train that night, my Mom and I took the car that most of these strangers were on. The children were excited, but there was an undercurrent of sadness so strong- I nearly cried. The parents- a few Dads with children, but mostly Mothers, and in a few cases Grandparents only- were emotional, choking back tears. Single parents on a train ride. Grandparents who had lost their own children, now raising their grandchildren.

We served the hot chocolate, and gave the nougat candy... Nearly every child said thank you to us for serving both. They were so quiet, reserved... Afraid to let the magic of Christmas get too close, I think, for fear that something else would go wrong. So I started being silly, making funny faces at the kids. Mom and I started singing, and dancing as best we could on the train that was rocking back and forth on the tracks. We were finally getting them to start to open up... They helped us sing, they watched outside as we went through the woods to the "North Pole", even the adults joined us. These children were too young to be so sad- but suffering through a trauma such as they had, I didn't blame them. We wanted to make them forget for a little while. We kept rushing from side to side of the train- asking if the kids were seeing signs that we were almost to the North Pole, look a wolf! Collective "Woooooowwwww's", sighs, they were getting antsy. Finally opening up to the excitement of the evening, the magic we were trying to create...

Myself, two sisters, brother and Mom are in this photo. This was not taken in 2001.

"Look! Look! Look! What's that?" Mom and I shouted all of a sudden... The kids pressed their noses to the windows of the train car- and a few of them yelled "ELVES!!!!!!!! They have lights!!!!!!! I see Santa's sleigh!!!!!!!" We had some of the kids from one side of the train come over with others in the row across so they could see. We helped a few stand up on the seats and look. "Look! There's MILLIONS of them! Do I get one of my own?" We answered yes- each family gets an Elf of their own to walk them on up... They hurriedly scrambled for their boots, jackets, hats and mittens. They all wore their PJ's (of course, that's tradition!) and were quite warm. They were all chitter-chatter and excitement... They literally couldn't get dressed fast enough- and were trying to drag their families off the train as quick as they could.

We did it. We managed to turn these sad kids into delighted and excited little ones chomping at the bit to get up and see Santa. Out of respect, they were the first ones allowed to disembark from the train. The elves led them up the path to "Santa's Barn" with little white lanterns. They threw snowballs to some of the elves playing out in front. They all got front row seating to the stage. Nearly everyone that volunteered on the train walked up to see the performance that night. The children were finally forgetting, for just a little while, the pain they had been (and will forever be) living with. The adults were emotional- eyes brimming with tears that threatened to spill over... And most of their children/grandchildren telling them not to cry, it will be alright- Santa's going to visit. Which of course- made them cry. Made most of us "Chefs" cry too. Many of the Elves teared up.

Not the 2001 performance. My Dad was Santa for a year.

The performance went off without a hitch- and when Santa came out... The kids were in absolute awe. Stunned that he actually showed up- right there in front of them. Of course- a little boy was picked from the crowd, as with every performance, and when asked what he wanted for Christmas he replied "Well, I'd like a bell from your sleigh for everyone."

Voices and excited squeals of delight immediately erupted from the NYC children... "We're getting bells!" was almost everything we heard. At this point, the show was nearly done, so we had to get back to the train. We prepared the bags, with the bells, and greeted our guests as they boarded the train for the ride back to the train station. I held the bag, as Mom reached in and pulled out the silver bells and handed them to everyone- kids and parents alike. I've never received so many hugs as I did that night I volunteered. What broke my heart is we had extras... And each family was given an extra bell for the loved one they lost. The parents cried, and the children held on extra tight to that bell so they could give it to their gone mother/father/family member. We sang some more, I rubbed my cheeks against some of the children who wanted "magic sparkles" from the glitter I had worn- of course with permission from Mom or Dad or Grandparents. During the ride back, some of the older kids continued singing with us. The younger ones, however, were starting to peter out and quickly fell asleep- curled up in the arms of their guardian, or against an older sibling. They still had the bells clutched in their little hands... One was theirs, one was for the Mom or Dad they lost. A few families, both. We made absolutely sure every person that wasn't able to be with their children that night still had a bell given to them. Looking at their sleeping faces, and the mixed emotions on the faces of the adults and children that were still awake, I realized then what this night meant to them. What we did for them.

They had forgotten for a night the pain and loss they would forever suffer through.

We did our job.

This is why I refuse to recognize this day as one of "National Service".

God Bless America. I will never, ever forget.

Faces of the Victims. Image from thefurniture.com

Day 40 - I Hide

Day 40 - I Hide, originally uploaded by The Snarky Princess.

I paint a good face, don't I.

I even managed to get my hair pretty today. It's time for a new dye job. You can see my blonde roots.

O.<


I look nearly normal. I'm a good artist, I suppose. I'm so tired. I'm very frustrated. But I'm never giving up.

Day 39 - Shoulder

Day 39 - Shoulder, originally uploaded by The Snarky Princess.

To me, this is one of my favorite spots on my body. The curve where my neck and shoulder meet.

Lazy kisses there tingle and tickle a bit.
This place here, and the curve between my ribs and hip are my favorites.

Blurred, because it's softer... More feminine when out of focus. So easily broken- touch hurts and it's awful. I don't like being touched if I don't know who you are, or if you reach out and grab me before I see you. Sensory issues.

This place... I love this place. It's one of the places that it doesn't hurt when fingertips touch me.

Day 38 - The Revenge Body

Day 38 - The Revenge Body, originally uploaded by The Snarky Princess.

Apologies for not keeping up on this the past few weeks. Today I resume. I miss the photos.

He dumped me.

Months ago.

So far, I've lost almost 50 lbs.

It's the medications for keeping my back pain under control. It's been a rough road. I'm finally on medication that doesn't make me high out of my mind. It's nice to have most of my thoughts back- though, motivation I'm still having a tough time with.

The pain eases a little each day- but some days it comes back full force. I'm trying to stay optimistic.

I suppose it's time to be very shallow and a little bitchy.

Meet my revenge body.

It's no longer his to enjoy!

Boy, that makes me gloat.