The Haunting Time Is Coming Near!

The Ghoullog - Mountaintop Haunt at Cranmore, North Conway, NH

Positive Thinking

I'm working on it.
The Happiness Project, as my friend Ber has introduced it... An ongoing attempt to make each day better than the last. To see myself differently than I do now. How is that? Well... I typically don't talk about myself in terms of feelings. Sure, I tell you how my body feels day to day, many of you know that much at least. But as for mentally? I kind of keep that buried and hidden as best I can, for fear that someone will see just how broken I am. Or at least, how broken I perceive myself to be.

I'm writing this early today, before I have time to really think and mull over what I should exclude, in terms of writing a sanitized post. I don't want it to be fluff. I want it to be raw, bare, and exactly as it's coming out of my brain at the moment. The meds have kicked in, and I'm fuzzy... But determined to get at least something positive out today.

I'm noticing things I do, and how they're not constructive to me as who I am.
I don't take compliments very well. I either brush them off, or flat out deny it. Why do I do this? I'm honestly not really sure. Maybe it's because I feel like I'm vain if I agree I'm beautiful. I simply say I'm pretty. I feel like someone is not really being truthful when they tell me I'm gorgeous. Again, I only think I'm pretty. I'm not skinny, I'm no longer considered "fat". I could stand to lose more weight- but for right now, I've lost 70lbs. I'm considerably lighter than I was last year. That's a big step for me, especially considering I don't get much physical activity into my schedule- and no, swiping on makeup does not count as much as I'd like it to.

My teeth. I'm so self conscious of my teeth. They look stained and yellow to me, yet friends say I should smile more often. I have a beautiful smile. My response to that is simply "It's a work in progress." Yes, I have braces. Yes, my missing tooth up front is making its way down to where it belongs. It's a process. I'm so self conscious of that gap it's not even funny. So when you see me smile close-mouthed, or turning my head so you see the left side of my face... That is why. I don't want you to see that gaping hole.


At my breastbone, I have an awful dip. Most girls have very nice cleavage- boobs are smooth where they emerge from the ribcage. Mine? Nope, I've got a weird one. Not only are my boobs big, but instead of looking normal (take a look at someone like Christina Ricci, or Heidi Klum) and you'll notice they have a beautiful rib cage and a nice "v" (for lack of a better description, since none is coming to mind) where their breasts kind of sit at the middle there. I have an awful gap, and I could only wish mine were as perky as theirs. And heck- look how many kids Heidi's had, and hers still look perfect. Ok, ok, I'll admit. She's most likely had plastic surgery- and if not, great. But there's still a whole lot of airbrushing going on. I'm insecure about it. I don't like it. Neither of my sisters has it. Just me.

I could point out a whole flurry of flaws I see within myself- I hate the bags under my eyes. My fingers aren't long and graceful looking. My right foot looks awful. My left knee has asphalt still in there from a rollerblade crash 10 years ago. I look awful without makeup. My hips are too big, my butt is too jiggly, my thighs are huge, my belly is smaller but still not ideal, I don't like the fat lumps my bra makes when it slides to an incorrect position. I complain, I'm bitchy, ornery, completely unmotivated, a wicked procrastinator and really don't want help even if I could use it. I'm too proud to ask, and usually shoo people away that do try to help. In my head, the emotional abuse I let assault me could go on for days, weeks. Months even. There really isn't much about me that I like right now. I suppose that's because I've allowed myself to get into this mindset of negativity, and with a list like that I could go on and on.

I'm insecure. I'm a bit lost at the moment. But I'm finding my way through each day, out of bed each morning, and sometimes even getting out of the house. I never intended on becoming a recluse, hermit, but I have.

I'm realizing though, I'm not as bad as I think I am. I am my own toughest critic, and it's hard to look in the mirror each day and will myself to make it better than yesterday. I'm determined to do it.
I'm worth more than I give myself credit for. I often tell this to my friends, and even strangers online who have become friends, yet I don't take my own advice. I suppose that makes me a bit of a hypocrite- and it's something that is going to stop.

I started to change yesterday. Today I will continue. And tomorrow will be the same.
I will take something I don't like about myself, and learn to love and accept it for who I am, because without it... I would not be me.

3 comments:

Dr.Ex-Girlfriend said...
June 3, 2011 at 2:01 PM

hello amanda... i totally admire this post for being so honest. i can completely sympathize with you especially on that "i suck" paragraph where you listed off what seems like a billion horrible nasty things you feel about yourself. you are not alone in those thoughts. its guaranteed heidi klum (or insert any other "hot" female here) hates something about herself. something that we would laugh at. something we would say shes ridiculous for thinking. granted, she has therapists, personal trainers, chefs, entourages, ass kissers, photoshop wizards, consultants, agents, and a zillion people to tell her shes the shit. we dont have that. we need to do all of our own cheerleading. and we also need to realize the grass isnt always greener on the other side. that girl that i wish to be like, the girl with the nice legs and no cellulite and cute car and perky tits who can wear a bikini without shame, the "perfect" girl that if i was her, i would be happy, i would never be sad again or cry or regret, life would actually be good... well it usually turns out that hot girl has just as many insecurities and problems and hurt in her heart as i do. shes got daddy issues, or financial debt, health scares, her familys falling apart, she just got fired, she hates her face, she hates every aspect of her life, she wishes she was anyone else than herself.
point is, EVERYONE is struggling. EVERYONE has these demons. what makes people different is the ability to overcome these (silly) insecurities. be smarter and stronger and quicker than these negative demons that strive on our lack of self worth. one negative thought turns into another that turns into 5 more that turns into oh god how could life get any worse... well the same principal goes for positive thoughts too. one leads into another and the more repetitive the positive thoughts are, the more they stick. sometimes you have to "fake it till you make it" tho. tell yourself something even if you dont believe it. "my smile is beautiful." you might laugh at yourself cause you feel the complete oppostie of that thought. but stick with it. it doesnt happen overnight. it may not happen in a week or a month. but the more you hear those words... you WILL start to believe them... than one day you tell yourself "my smile is beautiful" and it will come out as "my smile IS beautiful. all my friends werent lying." and that will be an awesome day. :)
i really hope you stick with your happiness project (love that name!) because if you do, you WILL start to feel better, more confident, be more open to compliments and love from the people who truly do care for you. i've been on my own happiness journey lately and i stumbled on a site called the thedailylove.com they post a few new things every day, some dont relate to me at all and sometimes its like someone is typing this shit directly to me... its inspirational and just what i need some days.
i wish you the best of luck on your self improvement journey!

Manda said...
June 3, 2011 at 2:37 PM

I think we have a lot of the same issues with ourselves. Though besides weight I think teeth is the worst for me. =[ After almost 4 years of torture and screws being screwed into my jaw I had to have them off early because between the braces and the lyme disease my teeth were being destroyed. I never smile and show my teeth because I feel like they're stained as well. But because of the braces I now have cavities on nearly every tooth, and I had to have a tooth removed. Literally less than a week after my braces were taken off my teeth spread back out. Now I have a gap just as big as before between my two front top teeth, and now there is a gap forming between the two bottom teeth.

Taking compliments is so hard. Either I don't believe them and think people are just trying to be nice because I don't feel pretty, or I feel guilty thinking I am pretty.


I've been trying to, to look at myself differently. Trying to be happy in my own skin. It's so hard, isn't it. It doesn't matter how beautiful anyone else thinks you are, if you think you're ugly. =[ And it's so hard to change the way you think about yourself.

Snarky P said...
June 7, 2011 at 3:15 PM

@Dr. Ex Girlfriend: Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement. It's so appreciated- and you're right, all our insecurities are silly.... It's such a shame society keeps telling us that we need to look, act or do things in a certain way in order to "fit in" and "be happy". I for one can say firsthand, I've known an array of people... From very wealthy, to middle and lower class, and they're the most miserable, narcissistic, selfish, egotistical asses I've ever met. I know a lot of people choose not to deal with their demons- but I think it's because they don't know where to start. It would be wonderful if everyone saw things better and in a more positive light... The world would be a happier place.

@Manda: That must be SO freaking frustrating for you... I'm so sorry about everything you're dealing with too. Is there an option for you to use Invisalign? That might be able to save your teeth but also move them in to place maybe?
I think you're right though- we are pretty similar. I think people give me compliments because they feel they have to- not because they mean it. I know it's probably not true, but I can't help it... Definitely the way I feel. :/
I'm determined to start to love my flaws, or at least get along with them- because I don't like being this cynical, negative "Oh yeah sure, whatever." type answer person anymore.
One more thing- you really are beautiful- inside and out. I'm so glad I've met you and we've become online friends. The similarities we have with chronic pain we're dealing with- while caused by very different incidents- are still so tough to live with day to day. And while it sucks we have to deal with it, at least we've been able to a short degree to cheer each other up. I know there's been days where you've said something nice to me and it's made my day better. I hope I've been able to do the same for you.
Stay strong- we'll have better days :)

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