Unhappiness and General Loathing

It's why I haven't posted lately. I haven't found much inspiration to write, nevermind play with makeup. It's been months since I've done a tutorial, and I only do my makeup when I absolutely have to go out. I love receiving it. I love the anticipation of getting a package in the mail. I love opening it up, looking at it in my hands... And then, for some reason, the spark goes out.

Like a puff of smoke, that excitement is gone... Poof.

I'm finding it very hard, day to day, to get up and do something. Anything. You know this, because I've shared it before. I've become far more withdrawn than I'd like to be, in an effort to keep most of you blind to the fact that I'm in pain nearly constantly. I think the only time I'm not is right after nerve blocks are done- when the majority of the pain lessens, and when I take my night medications which knock me out and literally put me into a deep sleep. It's then I rest. The drawback? I no longer dream.

I miss my dreams. Colorful, vibrant, sometimes adventures I have. They've been my escape from the boring, repetitive days I often have. No more, not when I have to medicate and put myself out. I've been fighting insomnia for some time now. Val is the medication at night, and if I don't take it... I don't sleep. I'll literally lay in bed, staring at my ceiling, thoughts in my head going a million miles a minute and not making sense... But not quieting so I can rest. I just let my body lie there. The sounds are loud, I don't sleep without the aid of the medication. I don't like it. I used to be able to fall asleep at the drop of a hat. I used to be able to move when I slept- now when I do, it wakes me.... Painfully. Sometimes I crack, sometimes I pop, sometimes it feels like I have someone standing at my shoulders, another at my feet, and they're pulling an elastic band that starts on my right second and third toe... Tightening up the bottom of my foot, up the back of my heel, up my calf, thigh, right butt cheek, and finally my hip and back area where the spasm still resides. On especially bad nights, it goes as far as my shoulder blade. Chronic pain. The spasm still has not let loose, at all. Same one, over a year now. It's frustrating.

I know I'll get better, but sometimes I wonder. Why is it taking so long already?

A recent episode really troubles me. I was late to my doctor appointment, and the Cow at the front reception desk turned me away. Sat there, argued with me I was late- when I was not. I explained to her that my doctor gave explicit instructions to get to him as soon as possible when I feel something off in my back, or the spasm starts to worsen and I have more pain. It's what I did in this case. The time it took to explain this to her basically used up my "appointment time". She told me I was welcome to sit in the waiting room on the off chance that at some point that afternoon I'd be able to see him. I showed her my cane, explained I've started falling again, and I can't sit in anything upright for any period of time. It has to be a recliner otherwise my back starts to protest even more. She had no compassion, no sympathy, empathy, or anything. Just said so what, if you don't want to wait you don't have to. I had to reschedule, and did such finally giving her back the rude attitude she was spitting at me with. I went in on a Wednesday, she scheduled me for Monday. Apparently there were no other appointments which were available- which was a lie, but that's beside the point. When I asked her for medication samples that I needed, so I don't get worse, she sat there, rolled her eyes and told me to ask my doctor when I came in on Monday.

Needless to say, I lost my shit at that point. I told her to grab a piece of paper, and a pen. She didn't think I was serious. I stood there and waited. She finally did as she was told. Wrote down the medications I spelled out for her, and said I needed them by the end of the week. Spiteful bitch she was, she only grabbed one sample of each. Understand that even with the insurance policy I have, these particular meds cost a few hundred dollars each to pick up. Oh that's right, I'm unemployed. Can't work. It's a big chunk of change I don't exactly have.

To make a long story short, I worsened over the course of those 4 days waiting to see my doctor. I fell twice, really couldn't move other than to get up and use the bathroom or to grab some water. Monday morning came, and I ended up not only using my cane to help me walk, but also Dad's arm. I haven't had to do that in a long time. He had no idea I was turned away, nevermind that I had an appointment, and he was furious. I won't say I'm a VIP at the office, but I'm considered one of his "emergency" patients because of the condition my back is in and how very sensitive I am to treatment. He marched out to the front desk, took Dad with him, and reamed her out- well deservedly. My doctor is never on time, and I wouldn't have minded waiting for him.

Now, this happened not this past weekend, but the one prior. At the beginning of April I had 3 nerve blocks done in my back to cool the nerves and alleviate some of the pain I was having. Because this bitch turned me away when I felt my back start to act up, I've now been set back a few months in terms of recovery. I have to do Physical Therapy, which I do on my own here at home as best I can. Days I feel good, I get up and walk more- until my back or leg starts to ache. That's the key to tell me "You've done enough". Last Monday, I had four more nerve blocks done. My back was so inflamed and irritated, my doctor barely put his hand on me and I burst into tears. I couldn't help it. Four more blocks, after having three done not even a month earlier. Because of the steroid content of the shots, it's not advised to have them done sooner than 8 weeks apart. Guess that tells you what kind of condition I was in.

For one, my doctor had to push in to the spasm in my back to find the worst spots. Anything more than a slight pressure on that section of my back hurts, nevermind a finger poking into and trying to find an inflamed nerve. Dad took my hand, and I squeezed as hard as I could so I wouldn't move. My other hand inflicted small cuts into my palm from trying to think of the pain there, not my back. When these particular shots were administered, it's been the most painful procedure so far in all this treatment I've had. The ones done before hurt, but not as badly as these did. On a scale of 1-10, I was about a 9 that morning. After having the nerves found, it was definitely an 11. Nerve blocks administered always hurt at first- but then the pain subsides. After about 20 seconds at each site, my pain level came down to about a 7. It may not seem like much, but it is. I also had 4 of my vertebrae out of place again... Same problem of the ligaments not holding them where they belong- because of my accident. My doctor was able to get 3 back in, but the last (and most stubborn one) did not go. I can feel it still out of place. Oh, and as a kind of funny side note- my tailbone was out of place too. I have no idea how that happens, but I guess it's from one of my falls or something. Odd. I didn't think it moved unless you broke it.

Over this past week, I've alternated with getting up and moving around more, doing my leg lifts, trying to stay limber. Some has worked, some hasn't. I'd even venture to say I'm feeling a bit better than usual. Pain level on days which aren't rainy are about a steady 3-4, which is about normal. Rainy days are about a 4-6, it depends on how fast the pressure changes and how long it lingers. I could always be worse- and thankful I'm not.

Why post this?
I'm starting a project. I'm going to be happier.
I plan on not focusing on the bad, which I tend to do since I'm constantly in pain. Happy is a feeling I miss.

Happy is a feeling I have when I'm around my Pirate.

Happy is a feeling I have when around my close friends, even though I've been very hermity and have more or less shut everyone out. It's not intentional. I'm depressed. I don't want you to perceive me as weak. I don't want you to see that I'm hurt. I don't want you to see me as I am now, but to remember me as who I was before all this happened.

However- I've realized I can't control that. No matter what condition I'm in, I should not push you away.

I don't want to lose you, my friends, because I'm wallowing in self loathing and frustration and depression. I'm determined to make more sunny days come my way. It's going to be goddamned hard, but I'll do it.

I miss my oldest, closest friend. I miss my Goddaughter, and her little brother I haven't met.

I miss my friend who makes cupcakes, and her children who crack me up.

I miss my close friend and his wife who knows what I'm going through, who have seen me at my worst.

I miss my college drinking buddy, who has called me and I haven't answered.

I miss my other college friend- who gives the best hugs.

I miss my fun, vivacious and always smiling friend who was once a roommate.

I miss my quirky, awesome friend who adopted one of Peep's kittens.

I miss my CT friends- two who adopted another of Peep's babies, and one whom I haven't seen in a long time.

I miss my brother.

I miss my sisters.

I miss me.

I will improve upon all this. If it means I need to let you see me a bit discombobulated, then so be it. I'm tired of hiding in my house, dealing with the pain by medicating it and hoping it will be a better day.... But almost all end up being the same. I'm not going to continue this pattern... Because it will continue on until I'm totally and completely lost in a big black hole that there's no way out of. I don't want that. Not at all.

So even if it means you have to call me a million times, blow up my phone with texts, or make plans to get me out of the house... It needs to be done. I still can't drive, but I can provide pretty damn good commentary as a navigator in the passenger seat.

I love you my friends.
Please don't think I'm pushing you away because I don't like you... I've done it because I don't feel worthy of friendship, and I've realized it's wrong.