The Haunting Time Is Coming Near!

The Ghoullog - Mountaintop Haunt at Cranmore, North Conway, NH

Positive Reinforcement is Hard to Find

It's hard.
I haven't been posting, because I haven't been positive or happy. It's par for the course currently... I have a few good days, and the rest... Just sort of blend together and meld, and I don't know how time flies past so damn quickly. But everything mushes together, and days become weeks I've missed. Months I've missed.

It's depressing to think I've spent the past 14 months in this leather recliner. It's depressing to think about the amount of money spent on medications which take the edge off my pain most days, but never really makes it go away. It's depressing knowing I have to depend and rely on others for my survival. It's depressing to not have control of my body the way I want to. I'm not going to lie. Depression is a hard burden to carry. It's heavy, it's lingering, it's there. Looming like a shadow, the proverbial gray rain cloud that's been following me. And it sucks. I think of it very much like one of those Dementor things in Harry Potter- depression sucks the life, the happiness, the joy, the interest out of everything. It's a black hole that sucks everything into it, stretching out its tendrils to reach every possible corner of your mind in an attempt to overtake it and control it with insidious wickedness and thoughts that aren't mine. Not really, but somehow end up in my mind. Things I wouldn't otherwise think of- never giving it a second to enter my mind. But there it sits, it simmers, and I refuse to look it in the face. I don't want that ugliness, that desperation to ever surface. Let me make this clear- I'm not suicidal. I can't say I haven't had thoughts though. Nothing serious, nothing I'd follow through with or even attempt to act out... I'd hurt too many people if I left. Besides, with all the courage I hold- suicide is not an option I'd ever entertain seriously. Ever.

I've been fighting it. One hell of a fight indeed. I know and am aware I don't have the motivation to be up and about like I used to. Not being able to work has been a big hit to my ego, not to mention the social interactions I miss because of it. Good, bad, awful, indifferent- I don't care. One one hand, I miss interacting with people. Yet at the same time- I absolutely despise it. Most days I don't want to put my face on, I don't want to force the smile, pretend I'm alright. I'm not. People piss me off these days. I have absolutely no patience for the rude asshats I see out and about, and if someone acts like a moron I have no qualms about saying such. Most are shocked when I comment, and have no reaction because nobody dares say anything to anyone these days. I walk away while they look like dumb animals with mouths wide open ready to catch flies. I like the shock value. That almost makes it worth going out and trying to hide how disgusted with myself I am. I try to disguise it with my online alter-ego. It's easy to see days I'm not putting much effort into being happy.

It shows in the lack of blog posts. The lack of status updates. The lack of communicating with friends. The lack of me not picking up my phone when calls come in, not answering texts, not responding. I don't throw the towel in on days like that- I just procrastinate procrastinating. It can all be done later. It can wait. It doesn't have to be done right now. Why bother? What's the difference? Nobody cares. Those are my thoughts.

Wrong? Yes.
Actually, no. They're not wrong. They're just my opinion. I know what I need to do in order to push this blackness away, to stop it from overtaking me. I've become an insomniac. I'm lucky if I can fall asleep and stay that way before 4 am. Lately, it's been me reading a book in bed and falling asleep with the light on. I hear the birds waking up by the time my brain shuts off and I can rest. It doesn't matter how much medication I take- of course, I certainly don't want to OD so I don't take more than I should- or how early I take it. Sleep evades me. Rest is rare. I toss, turn, can't get comfortable. The ache in my leg, the knotted muscle spasm in my back against my spine, the pain when I turn over or move my right leg/waist. The pins and needles if I lay wrong, the numbness if I end up laying the wrong way and whatever nerve that's super-sensitive in my hip shutting off feeling completely for a few minutes, or worse- when I have no warning when I'm walking and I fall. Feeling my bones slip out of place if I'm not careful and I move wrong, and the subsequent spasm that spreads wider. The pain. The knots. 

The tears. They come out of frustration. They come out of sadness. They come out of pain. They sneak up on me sometimes, for no reason other than to make me feel like a fool and a baby. They come when I fall- the episodes when the nerve in my hip cuts off feeling and I fall down without warning. Luckily, I haven't really been hurt badly during any of these falls- nothing serious at least. Bumps, bruises, the norm. Tears because I don't have control. Because sometimes, I just need to cry. Tears, because when I try to figure things out on my own, inside my head, silently to myself, I do ok. But to admit them out loud, it seems to reinforce what a mooch I am. It reinforces what a failure I've been. To speak the words, as I did not very long ago, hurts. It physically hurts. The blackness that sits in my gut gets heavier, it grows bigger, threatens to spill over and out and infect everyone with my own misery, and hopelessness. It chokes me up, makes it so the tears flow too hard to make it possible for me to speak. I can't see either, the blackness blots it out, it's a hard thing to explain. I see myself in my head, but not out through my eyes. The wetness spilling out of them at that point makes it impossible to see, and keeping them closed is so much easier than looking out and facing reality.

And then I step back.
I'm so very lucky. Thankful. Sad, but thankful.
I have my parents. My siblings. My family. My Pirate. I have everyone's support, encouragement, they're all there rooting for me. No matter how bad my days are- my family is here, helping me. Physically, emotionally, financially. On good days- they're here still, encouraging and helping me push to get myself better. My Pirate has become my rock, and my light. It's odd saying this, but when I'm around him or he's nearby- nearly all this pain, hurt, depression, self loathing and hate... It dissipates. Poof. It's not as intense, not as harsh. He makes me laugh with his silly jokes. He listens when I need to talk, and even more so when I end up blabbering nonstop because I don't realize I'm doing it. He holds me close, and that fog just seems to lift up and away. Don't get me wrong- I love my family, and what they've helped me get through so far. If it weren't for them, I'd be in a world of trouble and in a tough spot right now. But Pirate... He's there in a way for me that offers an outside look in to things which I don't otherwise have, and don't often see. I'm so grateful for him...

So what does this mean?
I need to proactively focus on the good... The light at the end of the tunnel and making it a little closer to me each day. Getting my body to slowly come back to a place I can call comfortable. Celebrations and good things "coming down the 'pike". The family and support system I have around me by way of my friends- those who I have been neglecting, and more or less ignoring recently. I need to stop being so selfish. I need to allow my other friends to see me, talk to me, without putting them off, delaying a visit, or coming up with an excuse to not get together. I need to start answering my phone. I've been acting like life is stagnant, at a standstill... And I realize it's only this way because it's the way I've visualized it.

It's not reality. It's not the reality I want, and I'll be damned if I'll be stuck this way forever. I refuse to believe in the possibility I will remain in this state for the rest of my life. I will get better. I'm going to be ok. I'm going to dance. I'm going to hike, swim, ski and run again. I'm going to be able to play with kids and runaround with my pals. There are places I want to go, to see, and I plan on doing it walking without a cane. Without taking pain medications. Without being limited.

I will start to work on all this... As soon as I take a short nap. This rainy weather exhausts and saps me completely of energy.


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