The Haunting Time Is Coming Near!

The Ghoullog - Mountaintop Haunt at Cranmore, North Conway, NH

Total Restriction and it's Driving Me Nuts

So I saw my doctor yesterday.
There isn't much to report unfortunately. This is so frustrating.

All these medications, all this time staying so quiet, trying to heal my body from whatever is wrong with it this time... And progress going so slow it's almost as if I'm going in reverse. At least I'm not being told it's all in my head, I'm making it up, or give up because there isn't anything to do. I have a walker and a cane now I'm supposed to use. It's so embarrassing. And that's only if I have to go out- since as of yesterday my doctor has put me on complete restriction. I can go up and down the stairs twice a day- once to come down in the morning, once to go to bed at night. The only time I can get up and walk around is if I need to stretch, or if I need to go the bathroom. Otherwise- I'm stuck in this blasted recliner. I can't believe I have a walker. 29 years old, I'm not supposed to be in this kind of condition. I should be out, running around, going places and doing things. Instead, I'm in a comfortable and manageable pain level at the moment and limited as to what I can do.

We also did yet another blood test yesterday. Doc tried to move me in such a way to release some of the spasm when I saw him, and instead of relieving the pain, it shot me right back up to a 10 and I nearly screamed. I cried. It hurt so badly I couldn't even talk- and I swear- my doctor almost started crying as well. He felt awful, because what he was trying to do was supposed to help me, to release the spasm that I'm still completely locked in. He's not sure why I'm still so bound up- especially with the course of medications he's had me on for the past 5 weeks which should have knocked this out nearly completely. There's something underlying, and there's a condition that's been mentioned which I won't discuss at this time. I'm hoping the blood test that they're doing will end up confirming I don't have what he mentioned. I don't have any of the other symptoms that typically present themselves- but the falling down is a concern. The tests being run will hopefully identify something we haven't seen so far. I just hope it's something we can identify quickly, and get addressed and under control.

I thought things would be different.
I just want to cry nearly all the time. Things are so overwhelming, and yet so boring- but compiled it's just.... A lot to deal with. I didn't think I'd be walking this path alone- but unless I'm reading an avoidance completely wrong- it's exactly how I'm going to have to deal with all of this.
I'm just... Feeling so lost right now. In a puddle of quicksand, that I'm sinking into even though I'm trying to stay afloat. I have my parents and sister as my wonderful support group here at home, but there's someone else I thought would be around too. I know the light is at the end of the tunnel, but it seems like I can't get there... Well, I said that wrong. I will get there, it's just taking forever to get to it. I just hope that light doesn't fade, or move further away. I miss his voice. I miss his laugh. I haven't been able to talk to him- and it's killing me inside. When we're together- I feel like everything falls right in to place- naturally. When he's not here, I feel like I'm missing part of me. I'm so sick and tired of having to hold everything together, in, and get things done that all I want to do is break down and cry for a while.

I think I'll go to bed now, cry myself to sleep again tonight.


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